written by, Aimee Cruz | Moms on Maternity Founder

Moms on Maternity is Growing Community Motherhood is a journey like no other—filled with joy, challenges, and the need for strong support. At Moms on Maternity, we believe 100% that Moms can be both incredible parents and thriving professionals.

What is Moms on Maternity? Founded in 2017 by Aimee Cruz while on maternity leave with her second son, Moms on Maternity was created to bring together women who are balancing family life with their professional aspirations.

With a strong online presence across Instagram, Facebook, and Eventbrite, we are a dynamic platform for education, engagement, and empowerment.

About Tummy Time Club One of our most exciting offerings is Tummy Time Club, a carefully curated program designed to connect new and expecting parents in small, intimate cohorts. Each group consists of 4-8 Moms or Dads, matched by their baby’s birthdate, geography, and career interests. These private WhatsApp groups offer a supportive space to discuss parenting, self-care, and share experiences, all while planning fun activities together. And the best part? Each group is backed by a dedicated sponsor!

With five active cohorts in San Diego and 2025 expansion into new cities as of March 2025, Tummy Time Club is a fantastic way for parents to find their tribe and navigate early parenthood together.

A Partnership That Makes an Impact For businesses looking to support and connect with Moms, Women and Families, Moms on Maternity offers an exclusive partnership opportunity. We collaborate with just one partner per city, ensuring maximum visibility and engagement for your service.

As a partner, you’ll enjoy:

• Co-branded Instagram and Facebook ads targeting new and expecting Moms in your city
• Monthly content marketing, including blog publications or social media video editing
• Event design and direct engagement to support Pregnant and New Moms
• SEO-boosting articles and videos to drive your brand

Join Us in Supporting Moms, Women and Families

Moms on Maternity is more than just a network—it’s a movement. By attending our events, joining Tummy Time Club, or partnering with us, you become part of a community that believes in the power of connection and shared experiences.

Are you ready to make a difference in the lives of Moms and families while growing your brand? Let’s work together! Reach out to explore partnership opportunities and see if we are a Perfect fit for your journey. We are excited to meet you!

written by, Haley Cottrell | Breathe Bitch Doula Founder

Why You Should Hire a Doula—Even If You Want an Epidural Many people assume doulas are only for those planning an unmedicated birth, but that’s far from the truth. Whether you know you want an epidural or are keeping your options open, your doula can be an invaluable part of your birth team. Here’s why:

1. Continuous Support—When Others Come and Go

Doctors and nurses have multiple patients to care for, but your doula is there just for you. We provide emotional reassurance, guidance, and a calming presence throughout your labor—whether that’s helping you stay relaxed before your epidural or keeping you comfortable afterward.

2. Your Advocate & Guide in the Birth Space

Even with pain relief, birth can feel overwhelming. Your doula helps you navigate medical conversations, making sure you understand your options and feel confident in your decisions. We can also remind your care team of your birth preferences, ensuring your voice is heard.

3. Keeping Labor Moving

An epidural relieves pain, but it doesn’t mean you should stay in one position. Your doula helps with gentle repositioning—even in bed—to encourage labor progress. We can also provide massage, counter-pressure, and relaxation techniques to ease tension and keep you comfortable.

4. A Coach & Cheerleader for the Pushing Phase

When it’s time to push, your doula is like a personal coach and cheerleader rolled into one. With an epidural, you may not feel contractions as strongly, and we can help guide your breathing, cue you when to push effectively, and offer encouragement to keep you motivated. Our hands-on support can make all the difference in how empowered you feel in those final moments before meeting your baby.

5. Partner Support & Postpartum Transition

Your doula also supports your partner, helping them stay involved without feeling overwhelmed. After birth, we assist with the golden hour, early feeding, and emotional reassurance as you process your birth experience.

A Doula is for Every Birth

An epidural can take away pain, but your doula provides the emotional, physical, and informational support that can transform your birth experience. If you’re expecting and want compassionate, expert support, the team at Breathe, Bitch Doula is here for you. Visit breathebitchdoula.com to learn more and book a consultation!

written by, Haley Cottrell | Breathe Bitch Doula Founder

California--the wokest state in the Union--has just out-woke itself in the best way possible with the implementation of AB 904. This game-changing legislation is putting doula services front and center, proving once again that California knows how to party (in the Labor & Delivery room). Signed into law in 2024, AB 904 mandates that health insurance plans regulated by the state must cover doula services starting on January 1st, 2025. This law is going to revolutionize the birth space, putting maternal health and birth equity in the spotlight like never before across California.

What Is AB 904?

AB 904 requires private health insurers and Medi-Cal, California’s Medicaid program, to include coverage for doula services. Doulas are trained professionals who provide emotional, physical, and informational support to individuals before, during, and after childbirth. The law specifies that insurance coverage must:

• Include at least four prenatal visits, continuous support during labor and delivery, and two postpartum visits.
• Be provided without requiring prior authorization, ensuring timely access to care.
• Cover services in both hospital and home birth settings.

Why Doula Services Matter

The stats don’t lie: people who have doulas on their support team are:

• Less likely to have a cesarean delivery.
• More likely to report positive childbirth experiences.
• Less likely to experience postpartum depression.

Doula support isn’t just care; it’s advocacy in action. By addressing racial and socioeconomic disparities in maternal health, doulas are leveling the playing field and empowering communities to thrive. For Black, Indigenous, and other communities of color, who often face higher risks of complications during childbirth, doula services can be life-changing.

How to Take Advantage of Doula Coverage

If you’re an expectant parent in California, here’s how you can benefit from AB 904:

1. Check Your Insurance Plan: Confirm that your health plan includes doula services as mandated by the new law.
2. Find a Doula: Check out Breathe, Bitch Doula for experienced and compassionate care. Whether you're looking for guidance through your pregnancy, birth, or postpartum--we've got your back.
3. Ask Questions: Discuss your birth preferences and ensure the doula’s approach aligns with your needs.

AB 904 isn’t just a step forward—it’s a full-on sprint toward a better future for birthing parents. If you’re a Californian preparing to welcome a new addition to your family, don’t wait—book your doula today with Breathe, Bitch Doula. Let’s make your birthing experience empowering and unforgettable. Your journey into parenthood deserves the care and guidance that doula services offer.

written by, Aimee Cruz | Moms on Maternity Founder & CEO

As a busy mom, you wear many hats - caregiver, chef, chauffeur, and more. But what if you could share some of that load with a trusted and capable helper? Enter the college student Mommy's Helper by Moms on Maternity! Having a college student assist with childcare and household tasks can be a game-changer for Moms like us. Here's why:

Fresh Perspective and Energy

College students bring a fresh perspective and boundless energy to your household. They're eager to learn and upbeat, making them a delight to work with. Their youthful enthusiasm can rub off on your kids, making homework time, meal prep, and even cleaning up a breeze.

Reliable and Flexible

College students often have flexible schedules, which means they can adapt to your changing needs. Whether you need help with morning drop-offs, after-school pickups, or evening homework sessions, they're available to lend a hand. And, with their reliable assistance, you can finally enjoy some much-needed me-time or tackle that long-overdue to-do list.

Role Models and Mentors

College students can be fantastic role models and mentors for your kids. They can share their knowledge, interests, and experiences, inspiring your children to explore new hobbies and passions. This can be especially beneficial for kids who need extra support or encouragement in specific subjects.

Affordable and Convenient

Hiring a college student Mommy's Helper is often more affordable than traditional childcare options. Plus, they're already familiar with your community, making it easier for them to navigate local activities and outings with your kids.

A Win-Win Situation

By hiring a college student Mommy's Helper, you're not only gaining a trusted assistant but also supporting a young adult's education and personal growth. Many students use their earnings to fund their tuition, living expenses, or future endeavors.

Conclusion

Having a college student Mommy's Helper is a win-win for everyone involved. They bring fresh energy, reliability, and a positive influence to your household, while you gain a trusted partner in managing your busy life. So why not give it a try? Your sanity - and your kids - will thank you!

Written By: Bosky Singh, Moms on Maternity Columnist.

To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness. - Robert Morley

A few days ago, I gave into a rage. I shrieked and shouted at my little guy. These are trying times, enough to take a toll on anyone’s mental health and having to manage on all fronts with a proactive kid is not making it any easier. Like any other mother, I felt like the worst mom ever for shouting at him and was consumed with gigantic mom guilt. During that phase, I had a deep conversation with my Reiki Guru and we talked at length about self-care, self-compassion, and self grace and how to practice them. I thought it would be a wonderful idea to share these insights with my mom friends cause we all need it badly in our lives - sometimes without our even knowing it.

Have you ever felt like the worst person?

Have you ever felt like you are not worth it?

Have you ever been consumed with guilt for doing something you know you are not supposed to?

We all have gone through these situations at some point in our lives and the answer is simple to learn to forgive yourself and practice self-compassion, self-care and self-love. Don’t beat yourself up if you are late for a coffee date with friends or if you forgot some important date. Remember you too are human, have expectations of yourself but never at the cost of your worth. Don’t you forgive your friends, spouse, or kids…then why aren’t you worth the same compassion from yourself?

Now the question is, what is this much talked about self-care, compassion and self-love?

SELF COMPASSION

means being warm and understanding towards ourselves when we suffer, fail, or are in pain instead of ignoring our feelings of pain and inadequacy. We need to acknowledge our pain rather than putting up a brave face. It means having compassionate feelings towards ourselves. It allows you to have self-kindness when you know your behavior has not been so great.

There are three elements/components of self-compassion as per Dr. Kristin Neff, one of the world’s leading experts on self-compassion.

• Self-kindness: Self-compassionate people accept the fact that we all have our failings, difficulties, and they tend to be kind and gentle towards themselves instead of getting angry or upset when faced with difficult situations. They accept their inadequacies with kindness.
• Common humanity: Self-compassionate people recognize the fact we all make mistakes and have sufferings. They are not the only ones. It’s a normal human experience.
• Mindfulness: It means taking a balanced approach towards our negative feelings so that they are not exaggerated nor suppressed. It’s a non-judgemental receptive mind state.

SELF CARE

means treating yourself with compassion. How self-love is different from self-compassion is similar to the distinction between thinking and doing. Recognizing your true value and worth and treating yourself the way you deserve.

SELF LOVE

means having a high regard for your well-being and happiness. Self-love is something you need to build on. It's valuing yourself as a person, as a human being. It means putting your mental, physical and emotional well-being first.

Self-love is more stable whereas self-compassion could be momentary.

Now the question arises how to practice all this?

1. Talk to yourself in the mirror. Tell yourself you are worth the love and care. Smile and say ‘I love myself.’ Remember you are not being narcissistic when you do that you are just acknowledging your worth and building self-esteem.
2. Comfort your body by eating what you love, pampering your body by a spa, or treating yourself to a massage or a Pedi-mani. Anything which would make you feel happy and relaxed and make you feel like your lovely self again. Again you are not being vain by taking care of your beautiful self.
3. Writing: I love to write in my diary, journal, or the screen saver of my mobile.. it says I LOVE MYSELF. There's nothing wrong with loving myself and reminding ourselves of that now and then. Just remember how could I love others if I don’t love myself.
4. Encouraging yourself: Encourage yourself the way you encourage others- your family, your kids, your friends, your peers.

I just love what Lalah Delia once said, ’SELF CARE is how you take your power back.’ Keep that in mind and I wish you all the power.

What else can we do to love ourselves?

• Treating, caring and talking to ourselves with love.
• Be as nice and kind to yourself as you would to others.
• Prioritize yourself.
• We all make mistakes. Give yourself a break. Stop judging yourself.
• Trust yourself: your decisions, your opinions, and choices.
• Embrace yourself the way you are and be happy about it.
• Stop comparing yourself to others and don’t worry about others’ opinions.

We all need and deserve self- compassion. Yes! We all make mistakes, act out, or do something really wrong and in times like these, we deserve self-compassion even more. WHY SO? The answer is simple, to have enough strength to identify our errors and be strong enough to rectify our mistakes and apologize to people we might have hurt or wronged.

As mothers and caregivers, we need to be gentler towards ourselves. I have seen mothers putting so much pressure on themselves, trying to do it all, and in the process forgetting themselves all together. We all make mistakes, give in to our sleep desires or forget something, or even at times lash out, in times like these we need to take a deep breath and be kind to ourselves and say, ’it's OK! I too am human; I too can make mistakes and deserve some self-love and care. I need to be compassionate with myself as well.’

Mommies, please indulge yourself in some compassionate loving self-care because you are worth it.

Remember,”How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.” - Rupi Kaur.

Written By: Bosky Singh, Moms on Maternity Columnist.

It's really exciting to go back to work once maternity leave ends but it is overwhelming as well. We all get those doubts and those questions, how is my little one going to cope without me? What if there’s an emergency and I am not there. I am telling you, mommies, juggling between work and kids is an excruciating task but it’s very manageable if you know how to balance between the two. I talked to a few mommies to take into account their secret weapons and methods for balancing between work and baby and now let's talk at length about those.

FIND A GOOD NANNY/ DAYCARE:

Finding good nannies, caretakers, and day-care centers is the most essential secret weapon, and if you can do so you have already won half the battle. Now the only thing that remains is to train them, have a good relationship with them and let them know what are your expectations. To put it simply, if you are hiring a nanny hire her, train her, set a rhythm and relax and go to work. In the case of day-care, start by dropping off your kid for a few hours and gradually increase the time. Don’t wait until the last minute to start day-care. Let both your kid and the day-care center get to know and understand each other so you are more clam when you start work.

ROUTINE:

I have always found having a routine works like magic. If you have a routine and a certain pattern of doing things at home then it saves a lot of time because you know what goes after what and it makes life so easy. And imagine how stress-free your life can be if you have a rhythm to fall back on.

PLAN:

I believe in planning. Plan your week and do things accordingly. Even plan your meals and do your weekend grocery shopping accordingly. If you have planned your meals you will not have to fret about what to cook after coming back from work. You will not decide on something to make but realize quickly after opening your cabinets or refrigerator that you are short of a few things needed to make that particular dish that just came to mind. Planning takes away all that last-minute pressure and anxiety.

BE AT ONE PLACE AT ONE TIME:

Yeah! Mothers need to learn that being at work means being the best version of their professional self and when at home you need to be a mother and parent. You can’t be at all places at all times, learn to compartmentalize. When at the office stop worrying about whether the baby has taken their nap or had their feed. And at home stop fretting about the presentation you have to give the next day. To be honest, if you are unable to do that your work and home will both suffer.

PRIORITIZE:

We mothers need to learn to prioritize. What is more important for us at the moment – is it making dinner or tidying up the house - so don’t try to do it all at once. There’s only so much time in a day and only one you so prioritize and work accordingly.

Keep in mind what Stephen Covey said, ’The key is not to prioritize what's on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.’

GUILT FREE:

Whatever you are doing be guilt-free and be happy. You’ll find people who might try to take you on a guilt trip over something but try to ignore them. It’s hard enough as it is without you having to add on to the guilt factor. If you are too tired, it's OK to order something for dinner delivery instead of feeling guilty about it. Remember no matter how hard you try there are going to be times when you are going to miss out on those special days or things of your kids. Instead of feeling guilty about it take a deep breath and carry on and think how you can make up for that. Remember mommies there are going to be both good and bad days and you need to try to make the best out of them.

FAMILY TIME:

Make it a point to have family time both on weekdays and weekends. If possible try to have at least one meal together and if not play some indoor games, chat and ask your older kids how was school, ask about their friends and their activities. Whenever possible take a family walk. Everyone ends up loving these walks, especially the kids. You need to see what works out best for you and your family. And remember quantity not necessarily means quality so spend some quality family time together without mobiles, laptops, or other such things.

ME TIME:

Me time = mommy time. Mommies too need to have guilt-free time for better functioning of their mental and physical health. If you are stress-free and relaxed you will be able to perform your duties better and we too are human we all need some time for ourselves. If I take a couple of hours and go out for coffee with my friends and rant and vent a bit about work, boss, kids, hubby it doesn’t make me any less of a person or any less of a mother. I am doing what it takes to survive and be the best I can be.

Mommies we all, at times, struggle to balance work and kids. Some days are going to be good some not so good, but always keep in mind that…. ’The bad news is time flies. The good news is you are the pilot.’

Written By: Bosky Singh, Moms on Maternity Columnist.

A nanny is a little bit parent, a little bit teacher and a little bit best friend.

In today's world Nannies have become an integral part of families. Family dynamics have changed and we all know we need all the help in the world to raise our little people. And when it comes to our kids, we all want what's best for them and we need to be really wise in choosing the person who is going to be around them - oftentimes more than us.

The family Nanny is the person who is going to take care of our kid’s needs, comfort them and feed them. They may be the first person to witness those first steps or those first accomplishments when we are not around. That is why it is very important to take the nanny hiring decision very smartly. Now let us talk about all the things we should keep in mind when hiring a nanny to experience that bliss which says, Keep Calm and Let NANNY Handle It.

KNOW YOUR NEEDS:

When hiring any help, we should be well aware of our needs. Why do we want a nanny? Do we want a full-time nanny or someone for a few hours every day, a live-in nanny or a live-out nanny?

• Be informed (about the standard work hours, over time rates, benefits like paid holidays, etc, reimbursements you will provide, if any)
• Know the current hourly/weekly pay rates for nannies
• Know your budget

• Know your requirement in terms of normal hours including any additional non-standard working hours

  • Other than that, do you need your nanny to have a driver’s license or be able to cook?
  • Or maybe you are bilingual and would like your nanny to be the same?
  • What I mean is to be aware of your needs and be realistic as well.

PLAN & WRITE A PERFECT JOB DESCRIPTION:

We all know when we are going to resume work. Right? Why not plan and hire a nanny a month or two ahead? That means placing your job advertisement accordingly or if you are planning to go through nanny hiring agencies then do so. Once you get clear on your needs, that is the perfect time to write a perfect job description and post it wherever you want.

Some such sites are:

• Care.com
• Sittercity
• eNannysource
• Bambino
• Helpr
• Urbansitter

SCREENING & INTERVIEWING CANDIDATES:

Once your advertisement is placed, screen around 8-10 candidates who best suit your needs. I believe in having a three-step interview, first on phone than at a neutral place like a coffee shop and at last at home. Ask questions about their training, experience, child philosophies, about your household and parenting style, about their opinion on different child-related issues like discipline, and make them aware of your needs and expectations. While having the interview at your place see how the prospective child caretaker responds to your baby and/or kids. Keep a watchful eye but from a distance, I mean ladies never hover, I know it is difficult but essential.

REFERENCE CHECKING:

Never hesitate in getting a reference and background check done. Now the question arises what needs to be checked:

• criminal history
• identity check and reference
• drug screening
• credit report
• previous employment and education verification

While calling previous employers for verification keep a list of questions you need to ask handy: for example, how would you rate her? Were you satisfied with her childcare? Why did you let her go? What do you like the most about her? How honest did you find her? Has she handled any difficult situation, if yes how? What are her areas if development as per you? What are her nanny strengths?

Moreover, many childcare agencies provide this particular service, for a small fee and some only offer services of the candidates who have already been verified by them but I believe in running a thorough background check myself as well while hiring a nanny or any household help.

TRIAL BASIS:

Have an agreement with a couple of potential candidates to work on a trial basis to see what works out for both of you. Think of this like hiring a babysitter vs. your nanny. At times, it happens that a person may sound perfect on paper with great references but the person may not end up working out for you. A trial gives a perfect opportunity so both parties can see what is best for everyone involved and find common ground. It also allows you to see your nanny in action and how she is around kids and how the kids respond to the nanny concerned.

KNOW YOUR EMPLOYER RESPONSIBILITIES:

Once you hire a nanny you become an employer and she/he the employee. You should have an understanding of your role as an employer and about the wages, salary, taxation, and even H.R. policy. Have a proper work agreement drawn that is acceptable to both the parties to avoid any confusion or problems later on which should also include the employment termination, paid days off, holidays, insurance, health benefits, and such. If you don’t have any knowledge regarding all this hire a professional to do it for you. Many times, the agencies we use to find and hire the person help you through all this, but make sure you understand all that.

GO WITH YOUR GUT FEELING:

You heard me right. I am a firm believer in that. We all know in our gut what is right or wrong. We have this feeling in the pit of our stomach on meeting a person whether we are going to like that person or not. And when it comes to our babies and our little ones that feeling is so much stronger. We know it without being told there’s something wrong today with my precious one. Why not lean on that superpower while hiring a nanny? Maybe a person is not that perfect when it comes to trainings but if your gut tells you she is the one, I would suggest to go with your gut.

I would wind up by saying once you have hired a nanny best suited for your household and you have settled her and she is accustomed to you and the kids and there is a set routine in the house then you should ‘Keep calm and let nanny handle it.’

Written By: Bosky Singh, Moms on Maternity Columnist.

Just the other day, while talking to a friend of mine she complained about being exhausted all the time. And I believe almost all of us can identify with her situation. We all have got a lot on our plates right now, and if we are tired and drained all the time how are we going to take care of our home and family. I remember reading online, ’Taking care of yourself is a part of taking care of your kids.’

As mothers, it is our responsibility to take care of ourselves, and more than that don’t we owe it to ourselves to be fit and healthy. Now what should we be doing to keep our energy and strength going when we have a lot going on?

Have a Routine:

You must be wondering what a routine has to do with health and energy. I have found it to be the hidden gem. When we have a routine it saves us a lot of time and energy cause you know what you have to do throughout your day. You know the rhythm in which you will be doing the chores, saving up on energy as you are not wasting your resources, mental and physical in wondering what to do next.

Sound Sleep:

Not only the kids but their mamas too need their beauty sleep. A good night’s sleep is more than necessary if you want to keep ongoing.

“Sleep is like the golden chain that binds our health and body together.” - Thomas Dekker

More than often we neglect the importance of sleep, if we are not able to meet a deadline we cut down on our sleep. If we have not been able to complete our chores, what we do is reduce our sleeping hours. Sleep is the most vital ingredient of our well-being. And the lack of it results in a grumpier version of ourselves who is tired, lethargic, and lacks the freshness which we feel after a good night's sleep.

Try to get around 7 hours of sleep and if you are not able to do so then try to implement some more relaxing behaviors before going to bed like reading a book, having a bath, and even sipping on some relaxing herbal tea like lavender or chamomile. I even recommend a glass of warm milk on cold wintery nights. I find having warm tea and reading a book particularly relaxing in unwinding myself after an exhausting day.

Eating Healthy:

As mothers, we all understand the concept of eating healthy. But I have seen many of my friends giving healthy food to their kids but ignoring themselves when it comes to eating healthy. I understand it's difficult to prepare nutritious meals all the time but try to have at least one healthy meal a day. Moreover, if you are tired and feel sluggish all the time then it's time to glance at your eating habits. Maybe you are having too much fast food or too much processed food high in sugar and fat. Food fuels your body and good fuel nourishes your body and keep you charged.

Control Stress:

Stress is all-consuming. Stress takes huge chunks out of us and leaves us drained and sluggish. We need to control stress and try not to be consumed by it. What could be done to avoid it? Try talking to friends, relatives or join a support group, talk about your feelings, things that are causing you to stress, and take all the negativity out of you. You can even try meditating or practicing yoga or any such relaxing therapy which suits you. I love aromatherapy and meditating in particular.

Prioritize and Lesson Your Workload:

One of the major reasons for fatigue is overload. One needs to understand that we can't do it all and set our priorities in order. Choose what is more important at the moment and work accordingly and try not to stress about the things which you are not able to accomplish in a day.

Exercise:

Exercising regularly means improving your overall health, reducing stress and sleeping soundly. It improves mental health by reducing depression, anxiety, etc. Exercising has also been found to elevate mood. And there are countless other health benefits as well like weight loss, it keeps you fit, improves blood circulation, and many more.

There are many other things one can do to increase their energy like: * Avoid smoking * Limit alcohol * Stay hydrated * Avoid added sugar * Digital detox

We all have a lot going on and we need to keep up our energy levels to be there for our kids and ourselves as well. See what works for you and try to be regular about it. Have a pattern around the house and ask the whole family to chip in to help with the chores. Don’t try to be a do-it-all mommy and in this process try finding some time for yourself as well.

Remember, ’Mama it’s okay to take care of yourself.’ ‘A healthy fit mom is a better and HAPPIER MOM!’

Written By: Bosky Singh, Moms on Maternity Columnist.

Like any other mom, I came across that junction in life a few years back when I too had to decide whether I want to go back to work or be a stay-at-home-mom. It’s a tough decision for every mother out there and nerve-wracking as well. It’s a very tempting thought to quit your job and be at home for your little one 24/7 but life doesn’t run on tempting thoughts and we need to take into consideration many things before quitting our jobs or giving our notice. I talked to many of my friends, read a lot, and considered my own experiences as I compiled a few things which we need to think about before taking that big leap.

MONEY (FINANCIAL STATUS):

At the risk of sounding too practical and money-oriented I would like to ask; can you afford to quit your job? Do you have enough money saved or some sort of extra income where a loss of income could be compensated? Not for the present but for some time to come. And more so, if you are a single parent how are you going to pay for all the extra expenses? Mind you, little people are an expensive affair and such things cannot be run on emotions only. You would also lose all the extra perks which come with a job and you would have to make some major lifestyle changes. Are you ready for that?

In my case, I could afford to stay at home cause my husband got a promotion and a salary hike at the same time so our loss of income was compensated. Moreover, we have huge family support financially from both sides. Many of the things we need, we do not even buy for my little guy, either one of the grandparents or uncles present him with it. Our family is set up like that but I realize not everyone has such a deep backup system. A friend of mine had to resume work because she couldn’t afford to pay the bills and live on one salary.

So mothers you may find me harsh when I say money plays a major role but life doesn’t run on emotions only.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?:

Besides money, one important thing to ask is what do you want? Do you want to stay at home or you want to resume work? This question can be answered by you and you alone. Some mothers want to be there for every step of their baby and some just can’t be satisfied being at home all the time. They need to go to work, they need the exhilarating experience of the office, stimulating conversations with office companions, and running from here to there.

Imagine both scenarios – staying home and going back to work - and see what is most likely going to work out for you. Staying at home would also mean being on diaper changing duty, being in charge of naps and meals, and all that goes into taking care of little ones. On the bright side, you get to spend so much time with your precious ones.

This is a decision you need to make wisely after taking into account all the things. Don’t decide your path to make others happy, there is enough pressure on mothers today already - don’t add to it by not following what is right for you. See what would make you happy and ignore all other external factors.

Solange Knowles once said, I think it’s really important for every mom to find their own way. And I couldn’t agree with her more.

FUTURE CAREER GOALS/WORK PLANS:

Whatever decision you make do take into account your future career goals. If you decide to stay at home are you ready to respond to the gap in your resume? Maybe will you become left behind career-wise due to skills? How do you feel about that? There are so many people these days who decide to take a break from work to raise their families and employers too have started to take that into account and be understanding of such.

Be confident about whatever decision you make and when those doubts start creeping in always keep in mind that you can always change your decision. It's not set in stone so be happy about that.

DAYCARE/ NANNY:

Daycare centers and nanny services are there for us if we decide to go back to work. There’s no reason that one can't have both a successful career and a happy family life. Remember they are there to ease our burden, share our load and help us in balancing both worlds.

FLEXIBLE WORK/WORK FROM HOME:

Now this is something almost all mothers can do. For most of us earning also means that we are contributing to something and we are doing something worthwhile. Work from home part-time and freelancing our services is an answer to finding meaning. I can vouch for that, right now I am on my way from working as a part-time to a full-time freelance writer. I started working for a couple of hours daily and gradually started increasing the time and I must tell you that in a way I am having the best of both worlds.

GUILT-FREE DECISION:

Mommies no matter what decision you make it should be guilt free. If you start working, there are going to be times you miss out on a soccer practice or a recital. Learn to accept the fact that it's ok. You too are human and can't be perfect all the time. If you stay home, there are going to be times when you would feel you are not contributing enough financially and that too is OK. You are doing a larger task, a much more important task- raising your kids. Be happy about it. Nothing is more gratifying than being there for your family. Remember a happy guilt-free mommy means a happy home and kids.

TAKE OUT TIME FOR YOURSELF:

I always say mommies please learn to take out time for yourself. It doesn’t matter whether you are a stay-at-home mom or a working mom we all need to take time out for ourselves and recharge our batteries. Raising kids is a challenging affair and there’s nothing wrong if you want to take a break and hang out with friends for drinks or coffee or just a day out shopping or at the spa.

In the end, I would sum it up by quoting something I read online, Never let people make you feel bad or even guilty for living the life you want to live. Just remember this is your life and you can live it how YOU choose.

It doesn’t matter what decision you make, just be happy about it and enjoy being a mother because you can be a mess but still be a good mom.

Written By: Bosky Singh, Moms on Maternity Columnist.

Nannies have become part and parcel of today’s lifestyle. Nannies are like family now and like any other member of the family, we need to have a great relationship with them and maybe even more-so as they are looking after our kids who are the apples of our eyes.

And it’s a bit tricky as well cause of both the professional and personal dynamics involved. I believe in treating the nanny as a family member and yet as an employee. But many of us find ourselves out of our depths when it comes to the biggest question - HOW?

WELCOME YOUR NANNY INTO THE FAMILY:

Who doesn’t want to feel welcomed? Let them know right from the beginning that they are supposed to feel like a part of your clan and treat them as such.

SHARE CLEAR EXPECTATIONS:

Let your nanny know what your expectations are of them right from the start to avoid any complications in the future. Let them know about the chores they have to do and please don’t start making unnecessary new demands once they start. Always be clear that baby/ kids are always the priority and that the rest can wait.

LET YOUR NANNY BE INCHARGE:

I find this one the hardest for moms, letting someone else be in charge of their kids. Many times, it happens that we come home early from work or when we have a day off or are maybe working from home (which has become more the norm) we need to learn to let the nanny be in charge.

This may mean having to over-ride your go to mothering instinct a tad, but we need to understand that’s what your nanny is there for. Don’t micromanage your nanny or undermine her judgment. If she has reprimanded the kids for their behavior or something similar to that respect her decision. The kids need to know that you both are a member of the same team and they can’t use one against the other.

SPLURGE ON YOUR NANNY:

Yeah! That’s right! Splurge on your nanny. We all want to be spoiled from time to time, so why should our nanny be any different? Treat her to a spa or something nice once in a while, perhaps an occasional lunch break away from kids especially when she is going through difficult times or we see the kids going through one of the phases. Do wish her on her birthday and give a small gift as this goes a long way in showing her that you care. And these little gestures would make her feel appreciated and that the work she does matter.

COMMUNICATION (LISTEN):

Always take out time to communicate with your nanny. And mothers listen as much as you talk. I believe communication is the secret ingredient in having a great relationship. How can you know what’s going on if you don’t communicate? When you give your ear to someone you are showing that person that you care and the person’s opinions matter. Be open-minded, see things from her point of view and work together to find solutions to problems, if any. Good communication is the foundation stone to any great relationship.

Someone very rightly said: The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.

DON’T BE FINANCIALLY STINGY (BE GENEROUS):

Be financially generous whenever you can. Give her bonuses and other such benefits on your own account. Don’t register her every minute don’t be stingy on money. If someday she has to leave a half an hour early let her go without deducting her salary. At times give her a paid day off. When you do such things without her asking, you are in a way investing in them doing even better. They’ll be working harder and be more appreciative of you and more cheerful. And we all want happy people in and around our house and kids. Right?

INVITE THEM TO FAMILY EVENTS:

Make it a point to invite them to some but not all family events particularly those related to the kids like your kid’s play rehearsal or bday party. If you are inviting them make sure you let them know they are not expected to work at that time and to just come and have a good time.

ENJOY THE PROCESS & HAVE FUN:

Ladies, you have put in the work to find the perfect nanny for you. Now, why don’t you lay back and enjoy the process and let your nanny be in charge? It's time to enjoy the fruits of your labor. Stop fretting about things, learn to let things go and have fun cause besides all the responsibilities and stuff that comes with mothering, now is the time to have fun and make lifelong memories.

Written By: Bosky Singh, Moms on Maternity Columnist.

Moms and memes go hand in hand. Everywhere we look we see some hilarious yet relatable mom meme doing the rounds on social media. Here’s a roundup of such mom memes which crack us up…so true and yet there’s a bite to them too. These are some of the mom memes I collected through my mom's whatapp groups, mom friends, and the internet.

“ You look tired.” I have kids. I’m pretty sure this is just my face now.

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Friend: Are you getting enough sleep?

Me: Sometimes I close my eyes when I sneeze.

Well, we all crave one thing more than anything else….SLEEP. Don’t we?

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My kids call it ‘yelling’ when I raise my voice.

I call it motivational speaking for people who don’t want to listen.

Ironical but true!!!!!

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I don’t want to sleep like a baby.

I just want to sleep like my husband.

(My hubby can sleep through a hurricane)

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“Are they twins?“

No, I found the extra in the parking lot and thought, Why not?

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Every mom’s fantasy…..

Mommy needs to go to Facebook now & pretend I’m a happy single mother, who works out daily, never cries, has perfect kids & doesn't need a man.

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You too must have done this at some point..Right mommies?

DEAR BABY, Sorry for all the crumbs I dropped on you while nursing. MUMMA NEEDS TO EAT TOO.`

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Sure, sometimes I question my parenting. But to be honest, Sometimes I question my child’s childing.

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My kid is turning out just like me. Well played KARMA, WELL PLAYED.

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Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night. We all have pretended to look for something which most of the times have been hidden by us like toy car which plays the most annoying music.

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Texting between mom friends…

MOM-1: I’m done. I’m selling the kid on eBay

MOM-2: Don’t be crazy. You made him. That goes on Etsy!

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Friendship before kids:

“Will you be my bridesmaids?”

Friendship after kids:

“Can I put you as an emergency contact at my kid’s school?”

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Sorry, we’re late.

I got into an argument with my 4-year-old about pants.

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Yes, I’m a MOM, But I still like to party. AND BY PARTY I mean binge on Netflix and take naps.

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I Don’t Have A “9 TO 5” Job.

I Have A “WHEN I OPEN MY EYES TO WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES“ JOB.

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My mom once told me, ‘I hope your kids turn out twice as bad as you.’

She didn’t realize one day she’ll be babysitting them.

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Never make eye contact with a child on the verge of falling asleep.

They will sense your excitement and abort your mission.

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Me: I love you so much. You’re my sweetheart. You know that?

Toddler : * slaps me in my face*

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Whenever you feel like a bad parent, just remember that the mom from Home Alone was halfway to Paris before she realized the child was missing.

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This one is so relatable…

Me: I could use a good night's sleep.

My Kids: We don’t do that over here.

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Well, we all would agree motherhood is not all that it's cracked up to be but yeah we try to make the most of it with a smile on our faces…

Before I had kids, I thought I would be the most chilled-out mom.

But that’s because I didn’t know they break all your things and take 3 years to get out of the car.

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Remember those times when you just happened to leave them for a while or when there’s that eery silence and ….

“So, I stepped away for, like, 2 seconds….”

THE BEGINNING OF EVERY PARENTING HORROR STORY, EVER.

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Well, when someone asks me about my hobbies I close my eyes and ….(this one has been sent to me by a mom friend a mother of 3 kids)

As a mother, my hobbies include:

Repeating myself.

Waiting for naptime.

Neglecting my hair.

Picking up after tiny humans.

Wiping tiny butts.

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Well, do you remember your moms when you were growing up….

When I was young, I always wondered why my mom was in a bad mood.

Now I am like…..OH.

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Every mom could relate to this one. My all-time favorite mom meme…

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

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We all do this every day without even realizing it

“ I’m NOT going to ask you again.”

That’s not true.

Yes, I will.

Probably 50 more times.

My kids have turned me into a serial liar.

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We all do this one…

“Mommy will think about it.”

Narrator: Mommy never did think about it. She knew it was a “No” all along and just wanted everyone to stfu.

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My kids will walk right past their father sitting on the couch and come bang on the shower door for me to open a fruit snack.

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OMG !!! This one is so relatable….

I put a pair of jeans on and now my kids are following me around the house asking me where I am going.

Mom life: finding a cheerio in your bra…

Thug life: eating it

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Story of every mother…

Me: I’m tired

Women everywhere: Just enjoy the time with your kids. It doesn’t last.

Me: I said I’m tired, not that I hate my children, Janet. I’m allowed to feel things.

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Friend: What are you doing today?

Me: Living’ the thug life.

Friend: Laundry.

Me: Yeah!

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I went from, “ I wanna be a baller shot caller”

To….

“Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo”

I’m still gangta tho.

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Mom Confession #114:

I love seeing someone else’s kid having a meltdown in public because it's not my kid.

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Motherhood: When going out for one night, takes more planning and preparation than a wedding.

BANG ON IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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You know you're a mom when going grocery shopping alone feels like a vacation and going on a family vacation feels like work.

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So relatable…

Shopping with kids is like trying to concentrate on 150 things at once while someone repeatedly beats you over with a plank of wood.

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Motherhood.

Powered by love.

Fueled by coffee.

Sustained by wine.

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FUN PARENT DRINKING GAME:

Take a shot every time your child whines.

LOL don’t do this, you will die.

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If I ever go missing, please follow my kids. They can find me, no matter where I try to hide.

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MOM

One who sacrifices her body, sleep, social life, spending money, eating hot meals, peeing alone, patience, energy, and sanity for LOVE!

That’s mom's life in a nutshell…

Written By: Bosky Singh, Moms on Maternity Columnist.

Making mom friends: I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this. Every mom trying to make a mama friend!

Last year around the same time I was having those mommy blues, a lot was going on in my life, and having a proactive 3-year-old was enough to test my nerves. I was teetering on the edge and around the same time, I got a call from one of my mommy friends asking me to be ready to go out for lunch this coming Sunday. I didn’t need to be cajoled into going, more than anything else I was excited to go. I even got dressed up and wore some makeup. Over lunch, she asked me what is going on and that’s the cue I had been waiting on, I poured out my heart to her, I ranted, cursed, and just talked. It lifted my spirits; my morale and I felt a few pounds lighter. At night the same day, I thanked God for my friends especially my mommy friends. I counted my mommy friend blessings and considered myself lucky to have them around me. You need to find a network of MOM friends. - Susan Kane

Why mommy friends?

The answer is very simple, no one can understand you better than them. They too are navigating through the same waters, they understand your pains, your hardships, your joy, everything. In a nutshell, they get you and they have your back when no-one else does. They are kind of your soulmates, your anchors.

Now, this leads to a very vital question how do we meet mommy friends? Well again, here I am having a conversation with all you lovely mamas out there trying to navigate through this perilous task. I read somewhere trying to find mommy friends could be like dating all over again, you browse, you surf till you find your match. I couldn’t have agreed more. Right? Here I am going to talk about a few ways I have met some of my beautiful mommy friends.

FIND MOMMY GROUPS IN YOUR AREA – like Moms on Maternity!:

These days there are mommy groups everywhere. There are mommy groups who take their kids to parks in strollers almost every day or some who take their toddlers and little older ones to play zones and malls. These groups are neighborhood based and that works well for mothers like me who are always on the move every couple of years (my hubby dear is in a transferable job). I made a couple of friends like this and every weekday we used to take our kids on a walk in their strollers and we used to chat around while pushing the prams and sitting on benches enjoying the greenery while keeping an eye on our little ones. Often we would enjoy a cup of tea or coffee while walking or sitting. It used to be the highlight of my day.

MAKE FRIENDS WITH YOUR KIDS CLASSMATES’ MOMS: This one works like magic. My two anchors Radhika and Bhawna are the mothers of my little guy’s playgroup friends. Initially, I started out by having chit-chats with them and then exchanging numbers and then I started with playdates for my little guy and now the playdates have become a ritual in our group. But it's not limited to just playdates we go on shopping dates, coffee dates without the kids, and do stuff on our own. The trick here is to go a bit early to pick or drop off your kid, try to make small talk, and exchange numbers with the other moms.

FIND FACEBOOK MOM GROUPS/COMMUNITIES: There are so many Facebook groups for moms nowadays. Now and then we all keep on getting invites to join such groups and more than often we ignore them. But believe me, mommies they are wonderful places for us mom, a perfect refuge a sanctuary for all the mamas. I don’t just say I am speaking from experience. There are times when on the group a mama would say something like feeling blue and the comments would start pouring in many times with phone numbers saying we are just a call away. Most of them don’t know each other but they are joined by the single thread of motherhood.

We had a beautiful gift exchange activity called ‘The Secret Fairy’ for this past International Women’s Day. In it, all the members who wanted to play made a wish of a particular gift they want and a chosen secret fairy made that wish come true and we even had to guess the name of our secret fairy. So much FUN, Right?

WHATS APP MOM GROUPS: Again we all know many moms and more than often we don’t get the time to connect with them. Make whats app groups of like-minded moms and start chatting whenever you are free. I too am a member of such groups and they are so much fun. Posting mom jokes or woes and getting comments like, ‘well the same happened to me the other day.’ And knowing immediately you are not alone out there.

I talk regularly to a couple of such moms and that is just to rant about hubby and my kid. Picking up my phone and knowing a set of ears are out there to actually listen is a great feeling.

RENEW OLD FRIENDSHIPS: Why don’t we start reconnecting with our old friends with whom we lost touch over time for some reason or the other. I did that and the Covid phase too helped in that. I renewed a few of my old friendships and now we talk regularly on WhatsApp. I personally feel nothing can beat old friendships, our childhood friends, as they understand us better than anyone else.

VIRTUAL DATES: If my 4-year-old can have virtual playdates then why can't I? It's as simple as that. During Covid times a few of us mommy friends started having virtual tea dates/ drink dates and now it has become a thing with us. But mind you mamas, you gotta get ready put on some makeup - just the regular tank and shorts won't do. The idea behind it is we are thankfully living in the world with so much going on. My mom said to me once that she would have given anything to have a virtual talk with her friends during her time. Moreover being mamas we just don’t have that much time in our hands to always get out of the house and go on a date. There are then mamas like me whose friends are living thousands of miles away, so why shouldn't I use the technology we have been blessed with.

MOMMY FRIENDS APPS: Now there are apps to find like-minded mamas. Yeah! I know tinder for mamas. These apps work just like the other dating apps with the only difference you are trying to find a mama of your match. You fill in your preferences and the app would show you the mamas of the kind you would gel with and then it's up to you how you want to take it from there.

One wise mama once said, ’I get by with a little help from my friends.’ So true!!! I know I couldn’t have done it without my army of mama friends.

Ill conclude by saying ladies take the first step, reach out, try to find some mama friends. I know we have enough to deal with and having friends helps us go through it. And if you want to be my friend you know where to find me, here on momsonmaternity

Written By: Bosky Singh, Moms on Maternity Columnist.

Well, many of us think that vacations and kids don’t get well together, but actually kids enjoy vacations, they love the feeling of getting around, exploring, and trying out new things. I read someplace online, 'Having kids is a reason to travel never a reason to stop.’ We have to keep in mind that not only us but our kids too should enjoy the experience. I know it’s a daunting task to pack and mentally prepare, especially with a toddler/kids in tow but it is worth it!

Having a kid has never stopped me from taking vacations and my little guy equally enjoys the experience. I took my first vacation with him when he was 4 months old and have never stopped since. He too enjoys and looks forward to our next holiday. Our next trip is going to be a destination wedding in a mountain resort. My son is already getting all charged up about it.

Now let’s talk about where to go and where to stay!

BEACHES- The classic, old fashioned holiday getaway. People have started saying beaches are monotonous but nothing can beat the charm of the sands and waves especially if you have kids. Tell me about a kid who doesn’t like sand and water, or who doesn’t like to make sandcastles? There are so many things to do on a beach or in and on the water, for example, snorkelling, bodyboarding or surfing, boating, finding shells, keeping an eye out for marine life like dolphins and whales or just reading a book and making a picnic.

Some of the best beaches to visit are:

• Santa Cruz, CA: it’s a delight for both adults and kids alike with a wide array of activities for kids to do. There is a century-old Giant dipper wooden roller coaster, Twirlin’ teacups, arcade games, laser tag, etc. just to name a few. It is said to have the best beach boardwalk in the U.S. which offers all kinds of kid-friendly foods in case your little one gets hungry. Other attractions in the area are the Seymour Marine Discovery Centre and Santa Cruz Surfing Museum.
• Short Sands Beach, York, Maine: This beach offers a playground, an arcade, and of course the sand and the surf. And let's not forget the Wild Kingdom Zoo and Fun Park.
• Myrtle Beach, South Carolina: It boasts Ripley’s Aquarium which attracts kids like honey. It is perfect for a family getaway as it has fewer crowds and an awesome beach pier.
• Miami Beach, Florida: Miami beach has a great number of pools and water parks. It even has a zoo, the Miami Zoo. Flamingo Park, Seaquarium are other attractions.

Other popular beaches to explore with kids are :

• Destin (Florida)
• Sanibel Island (Florida)
• Maui (Hawaii)
• Honolulu (Oahu)
• Bahamas
• Cayman Islands

KID-FRIENDLY RESORTS: If you are going on a weekend getaway and don’t have much time to explore then try to find a kid-friendly resort. Such resorts are perfect to visit with kids as they offer a wide array of activities for kids of all age groups and have kid-friendly meals as well. Last year we went to such a resort for a 3-day trip, they had a lot of kid-friendly games and a kid zone with activities like kite making, pottery, tattoo parlor, etc, and even a fun ramp walk. My favorite was the fashion show for toddlers. Such resorts even have nanny services which truly is a blessing if you want to take advantage of the spa or hit the casino for an hour so.

ZOOS: Take your kids to the zoo if you have don’t have much time on your hands and even on a vacation visiting the local zoo is fun for your to-visit list. Kids love to visit the zoo and pet animals if they are allowed to touch. And almost all zoos have kid eatables, so make a picnic of it while you are at it. Many zoos have toy trains that travel around the entire zoo and this is a favorite thing for kids to do besides seeing the animals.

Some of the best zoos around the world are:

• San Diego Zoo, USA
• Singapore Zoo, Singapore
• St. Louis Zoo, USA
• Lisbon Zoo, Portugal
• Henry Doorly Zoo, USA
• Cincinnati Zoo & Botanical Garden, USA

PARKS (THEME PARKS/ AMUSEMENT PARKS/ WATER PARKS): There are all kinds of parks everywhere, theme parks and water parks. And such parks have always pulled little ones into excitement. Theme parks have all types of activities for kids to do and keep them engaged over a long period.

Some of the best parks are:

• Dinosaur Valley State Park: 75 miles from Dallas, this part has some of the best-preserved dinosaur tracks in the world. And we all know how much kids love dinosaurs. One can even take a wagon tour and mountain bike on the trails and visit the museums in Glen Rose which is said to be the dinosaur capital of the world.
• Disney World (Orlando, Florida): It’s a perfect family getaway. Imagine your kid's excitement on seeing their favorite Disney characters come to life. There’s so much to do and explore like Magic Kingdom, Disney’s Animal Kingdom, and Disney Springs to name a few.
• Sesame Place (Langhorne, Pennsylvania): A paradise for toddlers and preschoolers. It boasts of some water attractions like The Count’s Splash Castle, Big Bird’s Rambling River, and the Teeny Tiny Tidal Wave. It has in total 27 attractions, 2 roller coasters, 9 water rides. Cookie’s Monster Land And Elmo and his friends are favorites among toddlers.

Some other Kid-Friendly parks are :

• Wizarding World of Harry Potter (Universal Studios Hollywood)
• Cedar Point (Ohio): said to be the roller coaster capital of the world.
• SeaWorld (Orlando and San Diego)
• Tokyo Disney Resort

RANCH / FARM VISIT: It’s a beautiful way to connect kids with the farm and ranch life. Many farms and ranches have a day-long visit where kids get to meet the animals, pet them and get to know about them. Take a break from city life and plan a visit which is a bit different yet so fascinating. Old Macdonald had a farm…. Someone wise summed it up well when he said, ’Not all classrooms have four walls.’

VISIT FAMILY/ FRIENDS: Plan a visit to family and make a vacation out of it. We have two holidays where my little guy gets to go to see both of his grandparents and one to visit his uncle who is an army officer and more than often posted at the most beautiful locations. My son enjoys them very much, what kid doesn’t like to be pampered by grandparents and family? We don’t have to go to some exotic or international place to have fun, we can do that right in our home town and in that process make our kids connect to our roots.

On Christmas last year we were at my parent's home and my brother took my little guy to show him his mommy and aunt’s and uncle’s school. Needless to say, he was super excited about that and it took him a while to grasp the concept that mommy too was a kid at some point and even went to school.

There’s no lack of places to go for a family vacation but it depends on your pocket and time. If you have both you can plan a getaway to any of the places you think your kid would love and if not try to find your local attractions like the zoos, local amusement parks, water parks, and places where your kids could have a picnic and play. Even factory visits are super fun if your kids are a bit older. How about taking them to a local porter if you have one in your area and letting them have fun with clay for a while? There’s so much to do with kids we just need to rattle our brains to come up with ideas.

Remember, ‘When you are traveling with children you are giving them something that can never be taken away…experience, exposure, and a way of life.’ - Pamela T. Chandle

Written By: Ali Glinsky, Certified New Parent Educator.

As a new parent educator, I work with families in many capacities and I love to give them real, actionable tools to set themselves up for a successful postpartum experience.

I often recommend in lieu of baby gifts to ask for contributions to a postpartum doula fund. To have even a few hours a week of this kind of care can really make all the difference in a smooth transition postpartum. Also, with doulas varying experiences, you can usually find one within your budget. I often find the doulas that are just starting out are eager and beyond capable of providing the necessary support immediately postpartum at a fair price.

Here are some additional tips that you can do for yourself to prepare for the early days postpartum.

Prepare some easy and freezer friendly meals before you deliver. I love to make a big batch of Iasagna for easy dinner portions to freeze and also I encourage moms to have breakfast items such as individual frozen oatmeal or frozen nutrient rich muffins so mom can make sure to nourish herself in the morning after what can be long nights.

In the time of a pandemic, things have gotten more complicated as far as relatives coming to see and help with the baby and even having additional support outside your immediate household. In these cases I highly recommend a sit down with your partner before the baby arrives to go over some logistical tasks and expectations you can agree on. Figure out what policies you are going to enforce with visitors and family and any outside help ( ie vaccines, flu shots, mask wearing,etc.) and think about your daily life and what things might fall by the wayside once the baby arrives. Often that can look like pet care, laundry and other chores in the early days with a newborn. What are some tasks you can outsource or your partner can pick up from you during the first few weeks to lighten your load while you recover? Talking about these things early and often will relieve some of the stress having a new baby brings naturally between couples.

If you plan to breastfeed, it's great to do a little research or get a referral for a lactation professional should you need one once you deliver. Taking a breastfeeding class in person or virtually is also extremely beneficial. Lactation professionals are trained to help you manage most breastfeeding issues and can offer alternative positions and work with you to make nursing the most comfortable, enjoyable experience possible. It's nice to have someone to call should you need extra support that you have been referred to or you researched while pregnant.

Another tip, don’t buy too much baby gear! We come from a society that places so much emphasis on newborn sleep and you hear friends swear by this and that product, but truly you don’t know what you need until you have the baby. If your baby has reflux or simply hates the expensive swing you may be in for an item that was pricey and didn't get much use. I like to tell parents to always have a babywearing carrier or wrap, a safe sleep space, as well as a diaper changing station. You can figure out what you need and what the baby might like as you get to know each other in the early days.

Lastly, I like to help parents to find some resources prenatally, as I mentioned about breastfeeding but also babycare and postpartum care for the mother should she need it. Once a baby arrives a lot of mothers are overwhelmed and it helps to have moms do some research and have some names on tap to call if they run into any roadblocks.

Having a baby looks different for every family but preparation can never hurt and often can help if families are struggling. Wishing you lots of joy with your new bundles!

Instagram: @parentsirl

Facebook: ParentsIRL by Ali Glinsky

Written By: Bosky Singh, Moms on Maternity Columnist.

Well ladies, have you seen a mother who is always keeping an eagle eye on her kid or always hovering over him/her not leaving them alone?

Or a mother of a teenage kid choosing the classes and professors for him and not letting him make any of the decisions.

Have you come across a friend who at every little problem rushes to the phone to call her parents for advice?

Well in the first two scenarios you just spotted a helicopter mama and in the third scenario, your friend was likely raised by a helicopter parent.

What exactly is helicopter parenting? It’s a term being vastly used these days, and what are its long-term consequences? Helicopter parenting is when either of the parents keeps on hovering on the kids like a helicopter and not letting him or her be. Imagine being under the constant eye of someone even if they are your parents - what must that do to a kid’s psyche?

Every parent wants what's best for their kids. Right? We all want them to be happy, to be safe, to excel at everything but where we go wrong at times is when we take these feelings to some other level and start being over-involved in our kid’s life. Now, remember mamas this over-involvement is not coming from a dark side but concern, care, love, affection. It's also coming from anxiety. Yeah! ANXIETY!!! Parents are worried, anxious about their kids, their future, and they are scared of letting them get hurt. No parent wants their kids to get hurt, or to be disappointed and thus we go out of our way to make things easier for our babies. But in this process we are forgetting the most fundamental thing, ’life is not a bed of roses.’ Failures and disappointments – all of this makes up our lives and if we start preparing our kids about this truth from a young age it will be easier for them to understand and take everything in-stride so they can move past their failures and try to do better the next time. By hovering over them all the time we are stunting their growth emotionally, we are making them handicapped and ill-equipped to face their life ahead.

Now, I would like to talk about a couple of personal experiences I have observed very closely. My 15-year-old nephew is a byproduct of helicopter mothering. She is one of those mothers who firsts talks to the kids she thinks her son could be friends with and then gives him the green light. She is one of those mothers who would go and confront the teacher head-on if they did something her little angel didn’t approve of. She smoothed out everything for him, making things easier for him, giving him stuff even before he asks for it. The result, an overgrown toddler (well a teenager who acts like a toddler) who can't do a thing on his own, he needs his mother for everything and a bit of a spoiled brat who just can't take ‘NO’ for an answer.

Another example is a friend who has a boy around the same age, 15. She too keeps on hovering over her kid all the time. Her teenage boy would come to his mother and say ‘ Mommy I have finished chapter 8th of Biology what subject I should study next and which chapter?’ Both the boys are super intelligent and excel academically thanks to their mothers but in a social setting, they are a bit like awkward wallflowers. They are not able to make any decisions and a cloud of self-doubt is always lingering over their heads. These poor kids never got a chance to develop their social cognitive skills as their ‘moves’ were always made for them by their mothers.

“Real Protection means teaching children to manage on their own and not shielding them from every hazard.”

• Wendy Mogel, (The Blessing of the skinned knee)

You, yourself, may be the result of helicopter parenting and that is perhaps why you may act like a helicopter parent too. We tent to parent like our parents did without even realizing it. Well, mothers more than often I have seen that parents very often take to helicopter parenting when they are trying to overcompensate. Now the reason for overcompensation can be anything… the guilt of missing out on a musical or guilt over something else – anything really. At times parents try to relieve themselves guilt by overcompensating, overindulging in the child’s life without even realizing they may be doing more harm than good.

And maybe you have ample time on your hands and you are putting that into use by overindulging into your kid’s life.

A lot of leading child psychologists maintain the opinion that helicopter parenting handicaps a child and takes away their ability to make decisions and since they are not able to make decisions such kids may suffer from self-doubt or low self-esteem. Imagine if your life is laid out for you, all your chores are done for you and then all of a sudden you have to do things which you have never done in your life or you have to make some decision(s) on your own which you have never done before.

A Quote that is doing the rounds on social media is: ’Yes, I am a helicopter mom, damn you.’

A certain section of our society is taking pride in being a helicopter mother understandably. Why understandably, well cause here we have mothers moving mountains to make it easier for their kids whereas there is a counter style the UNINVOLVED PARENTING STYLE where the parents don’t give a damn about the kids and let them be a kind of extreme opposite to helicopter parenting. Is there a need to discuss what happens if we leave our kids all on their own and don’t get involved in their lives, what kind of adult they are likely going to be?

My answer to the above-mentioned quote is another quote only, ‘I too want to be a helicopter parent but the fuel is expensive.’

That fuel comes at the cost to my child’s self-esteem, his ability to make decisions, his confidence and his overall behavioral development. I don’t think it's worth it. I want him to be fiercely independent and to have self-esteem. I want my little guy to take over the world oozing self-confidence. And that won't be possible if I keep on cosseting him all the time. Yeah! Kids need our undivided love and attention but it doesn't mean we don’t have to cut the cords. Cut those cords, set them free, observe them closely but don’t suffocate them.

I wind up here for now with a beautiful quote I found online, ’A mother's job is to teach her children not to need her anymore. The hardest part of that job is accepting success.’ Yep.

Written By: Bosky Singh, Moms on Maternity Columnist.

"Investing in early childhood nutrition is a surefire strategy. The returns are incredibly high."-Anne M.Mulcahy

What kind of relationship do kids have with food- I think it’s a love-hate relationship. At times, they will eat something and decide they do not like it; at other times they will not try something, even though they may love it. I believe this is a topic close to every mommy's heart. We are constantly worrying whether we are giving our littles proper nutrition, if they are eating enough, or maybe eating too much.

These are anxieties many moms out there feel and can identify with.

I remember when my little guy started eating solids. I read everything available under the sun. I prepared as if I was going to a war but really nothing prepared me for the reality. As I always realize, it is a trial and error method based on my experiences and experiments with my little one more than anything else.

Here I am today sharing with all you mommies little things that you can do to make your kid a better eater and enjoy meal times.

Start Early:

It simply means the younger they are, the easier it is to instill good eating habits in them. As they start growing they start asserting their will and it is more difficult for you to make them try what you want. I, for instance, started with my kid when he was 6 months and slowly keep on widening his palette. How has this helped me? Today, his favorite vegetable is broccoli spinach, he eats his greens and fruits and veggies, lentils and his breakfast is a bowl of porridge with a couple of spoons of dry fruit powder. And mommies don’t fret if they don’t like the taste of something on the first go. Keep on trying.

I would like to share something I read in a book on nutrition for babies. It said at times it takes them 10-15 times to develop a taste for a particular food. It happens with us as well – sometimes we don’t like the taste of something we try for the first time but after a few times and a few tries, we start enjoying or even loving the taste.

Routine:

I have always maintained that the trick of the trade is routine. Have a proper schedule for meals, naps, and everything else. A properly rested kid is a lot less cranky and more willing to eat their meals. Moreover, by having a proper routine the body clock will start telling him it's mealtime. And having a routine helps all us mommies as well. A routine helps us plan for what is ahead each day. And if you are not able to stick to your routine once in a while, it's OK! There is no need to go all distraught over it.

Be In-charge Of Your Grocery Shopping:

Yeah! You heard me right do your own grocery shopping or have a detailed list handy to handover to hubby dear or whoever does your food shopping on what you would like purchased. This way you have what you need handy at all times.

Make your Meal Look Happy:

What I mean is make your meal look inviting, presentable, like it is asking to be eaten. I am not saying you need to go all Masterchef on it but maybe just some nice plates and cutlery. Or easier still make the meal colorful which means it has variety and is loaded with all kinds of vitamins and mineral. The great cooking icon Julia Child once said, ’You don’t have to cook fancy or complicated masterpieces-just good food from fresh ingredients.’

Talk to your Kids about Food:

Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. Talk to them, tell them about the pros and cons of eating a certain food, tell them why are you feeding them certain things. Believe me, they understand. I know it's not gonna be easy but have patience and they will surprise you someday. It happened to me the other day; a friend of mine gave a goody bag to my kid the other day, he opened it after thanking her and gave it back to me saying, 'I don’t eat potato wafers that’s junk food and chocolate can give me a cavity.’ Shocking? Right!!

One more thing ladies, don’t go overboard while talking to the kids about food and nutrition, keep it simple, and don’t be repetitive. We know, right? The moment something becomes repetitive it loses its importance. And talk in your kid's language, use words they can identify with.

In my house, ’Who wants to be as fast as lightning McQueen?’
My little guy, ’me mama.’
I reply, ’For that, someone needs to have this glass of milk.’
And the milk is then gone in no time.

Be Flexible (Give Them Choices):

With kids, it's all about control, especially with toddlers. If they ask for a bag of crispies or candy offer them a choice between their favorite fruit or salad. Now what you did is you made them eat something healthy and you gave your little person a sense of control, power by making him/her choose.

Don’t Adhere too much to Clean Plate Rule:

This is a tough one, right? I was brought up by that rule.. don’t waste food, clean the plate. I have stopped practicing that with my little guy. Why? Cause at times as mothers we need to respect our kid's wishes as well. If he says he is full then he must be and trust your instinct, as a mamma you know when he/she is not. Moreover, you are making them trust their body and instincts. If you keep on stuffing kids, even when they are already full you are encouraging them to not listen to the signals their body is giving them.

No Bargaining:

Ladies please don’t bargain when it comes to food, no more offering something for one more bite or that last bite. If you do you are setting the pattern for that never-ending vicious circle which will prove useless in the long run. Again, it's about asserting control, let them be, don’t negotiate, offer small portions, give them choices, and accept their will.

Practice Yourself:

This one is the toughest to follow. Just DON’T PREACH, practice it yourself. I always say kids are little apes they do what we do. So if we eat junk they too will and if we eat healthily they too will. Pretty simple.

Eat Together:

It’s the oldest golden rule. Mealtime should be a fun time, family time, something to look forward to. And if it's going to be a fun family time, your children will enjoy the meals and maybe surprise you by having that extra helping of broccoli or carrots and peas just because they are having a good time. And who hasn’t heard the famous saying, ’The family who eats together stays together.’ That’s a great added benefit.

Well, in the end, I would like to say that we all try to do what's best for our kids and as they grow we need to evolve and adjust. Their food habits are to going to change with the influence of friends, school, playmates and many other factors. What as parents we can do is stop fretting, stop counting every morsel our kids eat and the amount of calories or nutrition they have had. Instead, enjoy the process. Our kids are sensitive enough to pick up on our vibes, especially of their mothers. If you are enjoying the process of food teaching and meal time they too are going to enjoy it.

Written By: Bosky Singh, Moms on Maternity Columnist.

• I never know what to say when people ask what my hobbies are. I MEAN, I AM A MOM. I enjoy the trip to the bathroom alone and silence..*

Well, ladies, this was my WhatsApp bio for quite a long period. So true? Right? But not exactly the right thing for moms. We all could identify with longing for silence at times or just a bit of privacy to go to the bathroom alone without being followed by a little person. Often we give up our jobs to be there for our kids, (I know I did) and in that process, we forget about ourselves and our needs altogether.

Let's be honest having a little extra money never hurts. Besides an extra source of income, a side hustle provides that creative outlet, it helps give a sense of purpose and peace of mind that our skills are not getting rusty.

I am going to talk about some tried and tested side hustles where you can earn a buck or two. Ill also cover some hobbies we moms might enjoy to help us get the sanity we all long for. These ideas are based on my experiences and those of other mothers around me and not some nonsense I searched for online which seems pretty-good but not possible practically.

GARDENING: I can’t stress enough the importance of gardening. Nothing much is more satisfying than getting your hands dirty in the earth, in soil. Involve your little ones too, there is no harm in that. It will help connect them to the earth and it's something very much needed in today's society. It is found that gardening releases endorphins, which is the so-called happy hormone, and reduces stress in the process. Not much is needed to start your garden. A friend of mine started growing herbs in small beautiful pots and sharing pics on Instagram and FB and not long after she started getting orders. What started as a hobby turned into a small business. Moreover being in the sun would give you your daily dose of Vitamin D. And plants just lift your spirits and morale and they look so pretty. It’s a win-win situation in every sense of the word.

UPCYCLE AND RECYCLE: Start recycling products at home, those old lamps, half-burnt candles anything on which you can get your hands. I painted a couple of old car tires and use them as a corner table and placed some candles and plants on it and it just spruced up the entire area. I even painted an old bamboo rack and converted it into a book rack. Well, many of you must be far more talented than me, rack your brain and start on something you like, and if you are interested in making some money out of it then start posting pictures on social networking sites and wait. Again such creative activities reduce high cortisol levels and can result in down the road income.

START FREELANCE WRITING: This is something which all of us can do. We are all good at something or the other, why don’t we start freelancing our talents. I was working as an assistant professor and I used to write as well but when my little guy was born I put everything on hold, except writing for a while. However, recently I started writing again ferociously. This has resulted in me indulging in this chit-chat with you mamas! Do you know content writing for social media is one of the highest paying freelancing side hustles.? Upwork & Fiverr are a couple of sites where you can get yourself registered as a freelance writer.

You can work as a freelancer in these fields with ease:

• Copywriter
• Blogger
• Proofreader
• Social media manager
• Video creator

PARTY OR EVENT PLANNER: I think by now you must have become pro at party planning. I mean moms are born to do it. It's inbuilt in us. Start by spreading the word that you are offering services related to party and even planning. Ask friends and relatives if they need help in planning a party for their kids. Believe me, there are plenty of parents out there who just don’t have time to plan a party and end up hiring a party planner.

TUTORING: It’s a perfect side hustle for stay-at-home moms.You do help your kids with their homework anyways, dont you? Why not start offering your services as a tutor and start earning some money? Again there are many parents out there who are working full time and are not able to pay attention to their kid's studies and are looking for good tutors. You can tutor the kids at your home or there are several sites where you can use apps to teach online. The cherry on the cake is it just takes an hour or so to tutor.

CATERING: This is a perfect way to earn money. There are many families out there who want good meals for their parties or special evenings and they simply just don’t have the time to do so. You can offer your services as a caterer. Again don’t go overboard- start small, spread the word and you might be surprised at the workload coming your way. I know a mother of two who started by sending a meal for two or three families and now has her own set of loyal customers. Remember, most of us think a homemade meal is better than restaurant-bought food.

SELL ON ETSY: I believe it’s heaven for all you wonderful artists out there. If there is something you are good at like painting, crafting, or even digital prints or digital artwork, it’s the perfect place to start. I came across a lady from Russia who loves scrapbooking and started her shop on Etsy. She sells beautiful memory books for kids. You’ll come across many such stories, just open your eyes and see.

SELL ON AMAZON: Amazon is the place for commerce of these recent times. Here again, I would like to talk about a friend of mine for whom I wrote product descriptions for her website and amazon shop. She was a single mother not having much time to spare but started her own super small garment business where she did all the work. You can also buy items from local vendors and resell the items on amazon, many of the sellers on amazon are third-party sellers.

START BLOGGING: Yeah start your blog, something you are passionate about, it can be anything you are good at or love to talk and write about. It takes time to start and it doesn't generate much income initially but eventually it can be a great way to have a steady flow of cash coming in on the side.

BE A HOME BAKER: Most of us mamas love baking. Right? Why don’t you use that love to earn extra income. Baking again is such a stress-bursting activity. What could be more relaxing than baking in your warm kitchen, kids playing on mats, and those beautiful aromas of cakes, cookies, and chocolates just hanging in there. I know a few mamas who are excellent bakers and are making some good income by being a stay-at-home mom and baking. They spread the word around to friends and started getting orders for their homemade oatmeal chocolate chip raisin cookies.

MUSIC: More than a side hustle it's like a hobby, listen to music, learn an instrument or if you already know an instrument learn another one. The reason is very simple, music makes everyone happy. And if mama is happy the kids are gonna be happy too and thus a beautiful ambiance at home.

Here is a great take by FORBES: There is no downside to a side hustle. There are only benefits of building more than one source of income. A side hustle is the new job security.

So mamas, gear up do some brainstorming, ask yourselves what are you passionate about, what would you like to do, and get set go…

Written By: Bosky Singh, Moms on Maternity Columnist.

A few days back a few pre-teens in our neighborhoood decided to prank a few houses by ringing their doorbell and running away. This was discussed at length in the society’s WhatsApp group and that drew my attention. The kids were reprimanded and talked to by their parents but one of the ladies in the social media group commented that it was not enough, that the kids needed to be further disciplined and I realized by disciplined she meant punished. I started to wonder… Do most of us associate discipline with punishment? To me and my Mommy friends – this is NOT what disciplining a kid is all about.

Let's first establish what does discipline mean and what do we want to achieve when we talk about disciplining our kids. Discipline means teaching our kids what behavior is acceptable and what isn't, teaching them right from wrong, helping them develop self-control and taking responsibility for their actions. Discipline is teaching your younger ones life skills and preparing them to be adults on day. It's aims are to make them ready for the world as good human beings. It is not just about punishing them if they do wrong or not what you want. Teaching your kids how to behave, how to act in certain situations, distinguishing good from bad and how to exercise self-control – that’s the goal of discipline. Kids are like wet clay and we can mold them the way we want. I believe this is so marvelous that we get to carve the behavior of our young ones.

I know it’s a challenging job to teach a little person about the accepted norms or how to behave. It is our job as parents - as mothers and fathers - to inculcate skills in our children. Teachers, friends, and caregivers are all there to help but the foremost duty lies with the parents. Now the most daunting question HOW? Well, let's first talk about what we all want - we want a kid who knows how to behave in society and has self-control. As I always say kids are like little monkeys who are going to ape you. Now tell me mommy dears how disciplined are You? Do you yell when things don’t go the way you want them to be? Do you exercise self-control? If we are going to resort to yelling and shouting we are conveying to our kids that it's alright to do the same. Teaching begins at home. Right? First, we need to set an example for our kids to follow. I am not asking you to be perfect, I know I am far from being close to that, but rather simply asking you to set a good example and be a good role model for your kids to follow.

Discipling starts at a very early age when your kid is just 8-9 months old and is enjoying pulling your hair just to get a reaction out of you. You can't do much then but yes looking into the baby’s eyes and moving your head saying a firm no, in a soft but you mean business voice - that is enough at that point in time. With time, your kids will start associating no with not acceptable and with age, their understanding of it would increase.

We all deal with tantrums, outbursts, meltdowns, kids not listening to you, or sometimes simply ignoring your very existence. At times we all are out of our depths and don’t know how to handle the situation or what to do. Or we just feel like crying.. I know I do.

I would like to share something which I read in ‘No-Drama Discipline’ by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson – The Three Questions: Why? What? How?

The authors in the book say Before you respond to misbehavior, take a moment to ask yourself three simple questions:

• Why did my child act this way?
• What lesson do I want to teach in this moment?
• How can I best teach this lesson?“

The first question simply means understanding your child, his behavior, and from where it is coming from. Maybe he shouted or hit you cause he is hungry or thirsty or simply wanted your attention. My little guy starts crying uncontrollably if it's past his nap time. If you understand the reason behind your kid’s behavior then you can settle the issue accordingly. At this moment we even need to decide what do I need to teach my kid, my lesson, my goal as a parent. And at last, how do I want to achieve it.

As parents we need to have a few golden rules to adhere to:

• Understand Your Children - We should know our kids, have an understanding about their behavior, why are they acting out? What's troubling them? What I am saying is all kids have some triggers, what are your child’s? That way you would be able to prevent many misbehaviors.
• Set Examples – Therapists call it ‘the show and tell method.’ I find it very effective. If something is not going the way I want to or I am upset I start deep breathing. My champ too has started the same. If he is upset he tries to deep breathe and count till ten. If we yell in an unpleasant situation they too are going to do the same and if we are calm and composed they too are going to imitate us.
• Limit (Rules) & Consequences – Right from the start set limits have some family rules and start teaching them about the consequences. Kids test our patience and their limits. They should know a certain set of behavior would result in a certain way. If your pre-schooler hasn’t put away his toys before bedtime then he should know his favorite toy would be taken away for a day. But it should not be dictated to them but taught to them gradually about the repercussions.
• Choose your Battles – Ladies choose your battles wisely. If you don’t then your home is going to be a battle zone throughout. You as a mother should know what issues or behavior need to be addressed and what you need to ignore. You can't fight with your kids all day long.
• Catch them Being Good – If we are addressing not so good behavior then why don’t we address the good behavior. If they show patience in a certain situation or simply brush their teeth at night without your asking them or when they try to help you, tell them how much it is appreciated, how good they are, and how blessed we are to have such wonderful kids.

At our house, we have started having a good jar and not so good jar. Every time my little one is good we add a coin to it and in not so good we add a stone and counting it at night is a family ritual. And the coins of the good jar go to an orphanage or adult home and we add an equal amount to it. This way we are teaching him not only about being good but also that by being good he can help out someone in need.

• Communicate (Listen) – Mothers please talk to your kids, communicate with them and most importantly listen to them. Just don’t keep on telling them what you want or expect but ask them, ”You shouted right now? You did it to get my attention? But was it the right thing to do?”

What you are doing is instead of dictating or demanding you are connecting to them, communicating with them, letting them know we are there irrespective of what they do and we care. That way you are even guiding them in the right direction. They know they are being listened to and we homo sapiens do understand the need to being listened to.

• NO – A well behaved kid understands the word NO. When a parent says no they mean business. Moreover, we all want to lavish our kids with everything and we don’t want to stop them but indulge their every whim and fancy. The question we need to ask here as a parent is, ’Are we doing them any good?’
• Affection – Show them they are loved. Shower them with affection. Tell them ‘I love you’ now and then. Hug them, cuddle them, give them pecks and kisses or just tickle them. What I am saying is love love love.

Dr. Dan Seigel and Tina Payne Bryson sum it up beautifully in NO DRAMA DISCIPLINE,”…kids need us to set boundaries and communicate our expectations. But the key is that all discipline should begin by nurturing our children and attuning to their internal world, allowing them to know that they are seen, heard, and loved by their parents – even when they have done something wrong.”

In a nutshell, the kids who are listened to, whose parents set the best examples for them, who are loved, who feel safe are the ones who are going to have more balanced behavior, are going to be more disciplined, show more patience, and hence good human beings. And remember my dear mommies it is not gonna happen in a day or two - it’s a slow process and at times not so rewarding but yeah in your heart you know you are doing what is best for your kids. So smile and keep up the great work.

Written By: Kristen Mehn, LCSW.

I screeched at my husband a few days ago. Pure rage erupted from my mouth. I sounded like a howler monkey at the zoo. And then I dove into an ocean of shame, because I know, deep down, that anger is not okay. Maybe this idea came from my parents. My dad was cool and calm and collected, and was respected for this. Especially by my mother, who would say “your father is just so patient.” And though this was a quality she would like to have, she did not seem to beat herself up too much about it. Dad was dad, and she was who she was. It was kind of like saying “wouldn’t it be fun to be able to run as fast as a cheetah?”

So my dad was quiet and handled things and my mom would explode like a fireworks show in our living room, and was judged for it. She was crazy, irrational, said my dad’s attitude, and sometimes also his words. Her explosions were something we could laugh about later. Tease her about, silly mom, going around having emotions. These were my choices then: you can be born without the anger gene like dad (cool) or be a silly explosive ninny like mom (not cool). I chose to be cool. Cool as a cucumber. So easy. My sisters could cry and scream during family arguments, I did not. The children that I worked with could throw computers across the room, I observed. I worked with inmates in a county jail and taught anger management (cringe for an unwelcome mental image of 23 year old me talking like I knew anything about anything) Cool and easy. That’s me.

And then, I had children of my own. Ka-Booshhhhh. I didn’t feel much anger while they were babies, but the toddler phase. Man. This period when they still need you so much but they also need to assert themselves endlessly. “Come to the bathroom with me mama. No DON’T sit there mama. Close the door mama. I want privacy....no DON’T GO, DON’T GO TO THE KITCHEN!!”

I am a grown woman (and, ahem, a therapist) and all of the sudden I have all this anger, and no idea what to do with it. No practice at handling it at all. Some of my worst ideas about what to do with it have been: scream at the children. Smack myself in the forehead repeatedly, quite hard, while the children watch spellbound. Kick a hole in the wall, just once, but the kids still talk about it. Some of my better ideas have been to forgive myself, recognize that parenting is hard, and make small goals to model good angry behavior for my kids that I want them to act out: deep breaths, some alone time, et cetera. That shit is hard, though.

Back to the moment when I screeched at my husband, in front of my children, on the day before Valentine’s day.
It was a long quarantine day, in the middle of a long weekend. We were headed into tantrum territory with the three year old and I didn’t want to do it anymore. I’d been dancing him back from the edge of a full meltdown for hours: negotiating the end of screen time, committing myself to play dough and eating pretend spaghetti and playing blocks and impersonating a monster with a blow up dinosaur while I cooked dinner. My husband was in the bedroom working and I stuck my head in and asked if he could relieve me, confident he could already hear the escalation and knew where things were heading.
He said he was coming. But then he didn’t. Another couple of minutes went by, my son dug his little fingers into everyone of my buttons and held them there and I returned to the bedroom, telling my husband to come out NOW. So he did and then said what I THOUGHT was something very close to “well if I have to be the enforcer…” and then this terrible shrieking burst from my body.

This is what Gottman would call, perhaps, an unsolvable problem: I don’t like to ask for things, and my husband doesn’t like to BE asked for things (Gottman, 1995). Which on the surface sort of sounds like a great match, but of course isn’t, in a marriage that includes all the things that a marriage does, plus three children and a year long quarantine in the middle of Los Angeles with no yard, and no (real) school. We have to be able to ask each other for things we need.

Which brings me to the things my husband and I are being asked to do together. We are stretching the limits of marriage to the absolute max. We are co-teachers “did you take a picture of her math yet?” and technical support for each other “what is wrong with the printer? Why can’t we just have a CORD?” We are office (and desk) mates, and each other’s only childcare relief. Also, of course, we share regular parenting and cleaning and finances and emotional support and some kind of physical intimacy thrown in there too. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH.

I have a very wonderful friend who lives in Wilmington Delaware who excels at this version of validation: “of COURSE you are sad. It’s Wednesday and you don’t like Wednesdays, and you just had that fight with your sister, and you’ve been working non-stop.” She did this for me all the time in my single days, and retroactively, I see how mindful it is, this attempt to get me to accept my feelings and not judge them. You feel what you feel. You are allowed to. Stop second guessing yourself, stop trying to shoo away or invalidate what you feel. So yes, my friend, anger makes sense on this day before Valentine’s day (or any day really), anger is here, and it is allowed to be. My challenge when it comes to my anger, this emotion that I am so ashamed of I often don’t have access to it: I have to notice it, accept it and appreciate it. Even love it if I can, so that I can get to know it. It was hiding from me for the first part of my life, or I was hiding from it. Probably I sacrificed quite a bit, to be able to get through life without feeling anger. But now, I’ve got it. Thank you, toddlers, couldn’t have done it without you. I would like to have more control over my yelling, I don’t want it to explode out of me like fireworks lit by accident. I would like to the limit the number of times I demonstrate my head smacking trick for my kids. But there is a difference between the feelings I have and the behaviors that I exhibit, and I want to focus on understanding the feeling first, before I try to wrangle my behaviors and words to where I want them to be. Without the road map of understanding my anger, I don’t fully know what I want those behaviors and words to be anyway.

Here’s what I like about my relatively newfound rage: it helps me connect better to others who are struggling with their anger. Before this gift of self knowledge from my toddlers, I did not understand what it felt like to be inside of an anger that caused me to lose control of my body, to get to a spot where I couldn’t with some presence of mind choose the behavior I wanted. Now I know.

Here is another wonderful thing about the newfound rage: it lets me know more about me. What are my boundaries, my triggers, what are my hopes and dreams and when do I feel like they are being trampled on? At what point are quarantine days home with 3 children too long and too hard? If knowing myself were the same as making a drawing of me, then each incident of my anger would be a new line drawn, there is the outline of my little toe, there is a strand of hair. And so when I feel the anger and frustration rising, I want to acknowledge it, greet it, welcome it in. So glad you are here anger, with the gift of new information to give me.

All this time I have been proud of my quiet and controlled relationship with anger, and now that relationship has changed. I don’t like it that. It makes me not like me. But as Adriene from Yoga With Adriene reminded me today: "If you are working with a problem spot right now that's just a spot that's in the process of transforming and healing." I have some childhood teaching to unlearn, or relearn. My dad had anger but decided it was not safe to express it. Someone might make fun of him about it. His control, though, showed me that you can choose what to do with anger. My mother expressed her anger with aplomb, but demonstrated that there was no way to control the magic of it. So I aim for this, to both recognize and understand my anger, and to choose how to show it. It’s my magic, my problem spot, and I am transforming and healing.

Instagram: instagram.com/kristenmehnlcsw/

Website: kristenmehnlcsw.com

Los Feliz Therapy: Russell Avenue, Los Angeles, California 90027, United States

Email: kristensuze@gmail.com

Phone: 323-714-4949

Written By: Bosky Singh, Moms on Maternity Columnist.

Maria Montessori, the Italian physician, and educator once said, ’Children are human beings to whom respect is due, superior to us by reason of their innocence and of greater possibilities of future… the child has a mind able to absorb knowledge. He has the power to teach himself.’

This is something where we all feel a bit lost at times; understanding our child. As a parent, it is our most important task to understand our children, to love them, to make them feel secure, to keep them happy, and nurture them to grow into beautiful adults. But what does understanding your kid mean? I asked a few mothers and got some really interesting answers.

Shazia a mother of three boys says, ’Understanding my kid is like appearing for my board exams every day and not knowing what the result will be, sometimes I am right, sometimes I am not. Understanding them means observing them when they are playing, eating, or sleeping and also by watching the way they are talking or replying to you.’

‘Understanding my child for me means to know his likes and dislikes, to know what is in his mind and what he is going to do, to feel his emotions and many more things…’ says Jasmine mother of two kids.

Understanding little people is a challenge indeed. Ask parents how they at times struggle to understand what is going on in their kid’s minds, how at times we wish for that one superpower as mommies to be able to get into our kid's brains and to understand them.

Every kid is unique - they have different personality traits and it is our responsibility as a parent to understand what makes our child special, what kind of personality they have, what they like, what makes him/her happy, how they interact with the world and how this all develops along with their age. Understanding kids is like unfolding one miracle at a time. Understanding a child means understanding the psychology of that child (this is the conscious and subconscious child development).

The biggest question is, How do we do that? It is easy and difficult both; easy cause we are living with them hence getting more time to observe them and difficult cause understanding someone’s psyche - let alone that of a child - is difficult.

The key to understanding your kid starts with observation. Start observing your kids right from infancy. Like I remember my nephew when just a few months old used to scrunch his face most peculiarly right before peeing. Try to see how your kids behave, act with others, and try to understand their body language. What are the tell signs? Does he go rigid before doing something he is not supposed to or how does he try to gain your attention. Or maybe he sulks in a particular corner if he is not listened to.

How often do you listen to your kids? Do you listen when they tell you about what happened when they were playing in the park or you just hear while typing on your cellphone? I read somewhere, ’When your child is talking turn the world off.’ I couldn't have agreed more we need to give our kids our undivided attention especially when they are talking. How else would we get to know them?

Always remember mommies, ’Children will listen to you after they feel listened to.’ - Jane Nelson

Remember our communication skills classes in which we were taught communication is a two-way process. If we don’t listen to our kids how can we expect them to listen to us? What message are we conveying as role models? The second step to understanding our kids is listening. It would help you to get to know them and build a strong bond with them. Remember that quiver in their voice when they are trying to tell how their BFF didn’t sit with them but with another kid, how disappointed they are, or that pride when they made it on the swimming team. Mommies you can only understand all this when you are actively listening, and not only hearing your kids.

Please do remember what Walter Barbee once said, ”If you’ve told a child a thousand times and he still does not understand, then it is not the child who is the slow learner.” (…Don't think I even need to elaborate on that)

How do we listen to our kids? Simple! By giving them your undivided attention. If your kid is talking to you, go to his level or pick her up and let him/her know that nothing else matters. The world can wait. ‘ Kiddo! You have my undivided attention.’ Kids feel heard, wanted, loved when you give them your undivided attention. And mommies do keep in mind at times our kids' act out just to get our attention, it doesn’t matter if it is negative.

Another important ingredient in understanding our kids is talking. How else are we going to communicate with them? Talk to them, make eye contact, observe their facial expressions. Make them feel they can talk about anything in this world with you and in today’s world, it is very much needed. Remember, you are laying the groundwork for the relationship you are going to have with your children throughout their lives. By talking to them, you are telling them they matter and that their opinions matter. Mommies always take into account your kid's feelings, don’t start preaching to them straight away, practice patience, and most importantly try to look at the world with your child’s eyes.

Acceptance!! Do you remember any point in time in your life the need to feel accepted? And how did it make you feel? That’s how your kid is going to feel if you don’t accept them the way they are. Every kid is unique and it's our job as parents to nurture that special trait in our kid by acknowledging it and accepting it. Kids should never feel the pressure that they need to change who they are or feel that they are not accepted. They are here to be themselves and not to fulfill our expectations.

Affection is my favorite thing about being a mommy. And it is such a stress buster as well. Studies show that when we show affection to our kids it helps them to have self-confidence, they are happier and it even helps them to be better individuals. Affection can be of various types not just cuddling or hugging. When we dance or sing with them, that too, is a form of affection, laughing with them, doing stuff with them, telling them I LOVE YOU, these are all some form of affection.

Further, a study from UCLA (2013) found that unconditional love and affection from a parent can make children emotionally happier and less anxious.

So mommies understanding your kid could be simple if we just know what we are doing and where to look. And you all are doing a super job. Let’s sum it up with this quote by Aarthi Kannan, ”Understand that your baby can only resemble your psychic, but it doesn’t share the same story as yours….”

Written By: Best Start Birth Center of San Diego

If it is your intention to labor without medical pain relief, there is no shortage of other comfort measures to try. Medication-free comfort measures are sometimes referred to alternative or complementary medicine, but don’t be mistaken — these methods have been used for many years and their efficacies are backed by evidence. There’s a large spectrum of options, and it surely is not as dichotomous as “epidural or no pain relief.” Choosing to forgo pain medication does not mean you have to give up your comfort.

Complementary pain relief methods are used across the globe. Nitrous oxide, a 50/50 mixture of nitrous gas and oxygen is commonly used during labor countries such as Canada, Australia, and Sweden, and is now growing in popularity in the United States, too. The gas is similar to “laughing gas” used by dentists and is <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1542-2011.2011.00122.x target="_blank"">highly regarded as a safe method of reducing labor pain. It dulls, but does not numb, your pain, so you can still move freely during labor. The gas is self-administered, so you’re in control of when you breathe it in, and if you find you don’t like the feeling it produces, the effects are gone with a few normal breaths.

Laboring in water is officially backed by the American College of Nurse-Midwives and does not increase risks for healthy moms or babies. The warmth and weightlessness of the water can safely offer reduced pressure on your joints and muscles, allowing you to relax and labor more comfortably. Even if you do not labor in a tub, you can still get the benefits of warm water. A warm shower, especially in early labor, can offer you moments to relax and prepare for what’s to come.

While water can take the pressure off your back and hips, sometimes a little pressure is exactly what you need. Acupressure: Based on the same theory as acupuncture, utilizes pressure points to relieve pain and induce relaxation.

Massage can help lower stress levels and release endorphins, our natural “feel-good” pain-relieving hormones. The best part? It comes without dangerous side effects.

Aromatherapy is another noninvasive and affordable option. Essential oils have been found to reduce nausea, anxiety, and pain during labor. Oils may be put into the tub for water births, rubbed on your skin, or simply sniffed from a bottle. Aside from the specific benefits essential oils may offer (like peppermint reducing nausea and lavender reducing anxiety), you may just choose to use essential oils that you enjoy the smell of to create a relaxing ambiance.

Truly, sometimes it’s not what method you have, but who you have. Surrounding yourself with birth-workers and loved ones that make you feel safe, strong, and empowered in your choices can be the most important comfort. At Best Start Birth Center, it’s your birth, your way, and we support you in creating a comfortable and satisfying birth experience.

Very often, I have seen people around us asking how are the kids, how are things but how many of them take the pain of really knowing how are we doing? A couple of months ago my hubby was on tour, my little guy was down with a fever and I was left alone juggling between work and household chores with a sick, cranky kid. I was getting calls asking how’s the baby? Do you need any help? But what stirred my heart was when I got a text from my sister asking, ’how are you doing mommy?,… nobody ever asks that?’ It was such an overwhelming moment cause I was wanting someone to ask me that. I needed to feel that someone was interested in knowing how I the mommy doing? Maybe it was a selfish thing to feel so but we mommies too are humans and we are allowed to have such feelings too from time to time. That was a moment of a mommy reaching out to another mommy and that feeling stayed with me. I can still feel it and it makes me feel a thousand things at the same time. It was that one line that has inspired me to write today's letter to you all.

When we become mothers we give a huge chunk of ourselves emotionally and physically and we love it. But raising kids is like laying the groundwork for a new battle every day and it is overwhelming. In those times we need someone asking us ‘How are you doing?’ Getting asked that question is a beautiful thing. It makes you feel like you matter, that you exist and above all, someone is ready to give you their ear, another person is ready to listen. And I believe keeping things in your heart does not do you any good, maybe you just want to vent - so do so! Mind you nobody is going to judge you, we all have had OFF DAYS or one of those days we just want to rant. It doesn’t make us any less of a mama. It makes us even better mamas cause we are ready to take that extra step. Keeping those negative feelings in is not doing you or the kids any good.

And mommies please never have that MOM GUILT. Mom guilt has become so common in our society and we all go through this guilt stage from time to time. Therapists often link that with the mental health of the mommies. When we always have that persistent nagging feeling in our mind that we are not doing enough as mothers it’s the mom's guilt. We all make mistakes, we all want to do the best for our kids but we too are human and we need to accept that. There are only so many hours in a day. The first step is accepting the situation and the second is what we can do about it? There are going to be days when you are going to miss out on a soccer practice or a dance rehearsal cause of some unforeseen reason or maybe you fell asleep out of exhaustion without feeding the baby. Acceptable! But don’t let ugly claws of guilt creep into your mind. Try to overcome it.

“There will be so many times when you feel like you’ve failed. But in the eyes, heart, and mind of your child you are super mom.” - Stephanie Precourt

Don’t you all agree with that? It is true. We all are navigating our boats through unchartered waters and it's tough and we don’t know whether we are stirring it in the right direction and it scares us. All the more reason to have someone asking us, How are you doing mommy?’ So tell me mommy dears How Are You?

When my little guy was two I started taking Reiki healing lessons and got intonated as well. In one of the lessons, my Reiki Master (Guru) made me practice the vent out therapy. We used to shout at the top of our voices for a good few minutes. The trick was to get those negative feelings, the anxiety we have in our minds and get them out of our system by yelling. We were to think those negative feelings were then absorbed by nature. Ladies it works. I still practice it from time to time and it relaxes and calms you. It is serene even though it is physically exhausting to shout. Try it – yell into a pillow – it’s just a quick fix when nobody is asking How are you, mama?

One thing I have observed is that we mommies are wired differently as compared to daddies. Those constant worries and that anxiety which we feel, dads generally don't. I am not saying they love or care for our kids any less but it is just how mothers are. Maybe that’s why it's said we belong to different planets. Daddies seem to have a different, cool fun approach and moms have that emotional approach.

Imagine the scenario of a kid fetching an ice cream for his father and then he trips on something. What would the mom say,’ Are you ok, honey? And the Dad would say something like,’ I hope you didn’t drop my ice cream.’

That’s how different we are and the major emotional needs of our kids are taken care of, by us mothers which at times get exhausting, and at a certain point, it starts taking a toll on our emotional well-being. Worrying is like second nature to moms. Someone rightly said, ”behind every kid is a mother who constantly thinks she is gonna screw up.” But it only proves you are doing a super job.

Here I am signing off for now. Much love & kisses, A Mamma just like you.

Written By: Bosky Singh, Moms on Maternity Columnist.

Dear Dear Mommies,

How are you doing today? Yes, I am asking you all. How are you? I am not asking how are the kids or hubby but plain and simply how are you doing my dear mommies? How was your day? Was it good or not so good or one of those days when you feel like, What am I doing and/or you need a good cry? (I know I have had a few of those.)

Very often, I have seen people around us asking how are the kids, how are things but how many of them take the pain of really knowing how are we doing? A couple of months ago my hubby was on tour, my little guy was down with a fever and I was left alone juggling between work and household chores with a sick, cranky kid. I was getting calls asking how’s the baby? Do you need any help? But what stirred my heart was when I got a text from my sister asking, ’how are you doing mommy?,… nobody ever asks that?’ It was such an overwhelming moment cause I was wanting someone to ask me that. I needed to feel that someone was interested in knowing how I the mommy doing? Maybe it was a selfish thing to feel so but we mommies too are humans and we are allowed to have such feelings too from time to time. That was a moment of a mommy reaching out to another mommy and that feeling stayed with me. I can still feel it and it makes me feel a thousand things at the same time. It was that one line that has inspired me to write today's letter to you all.

When we become mothers we give a huge chunk of ourselves emotionally and physically and we love it. But raising kids is like laying the groundwork for a new battle every day and it is overwhelming. In those times we need someone asking us ‘How are you doing?’ Getting asked that question is a beautiful thing. It makes you feel like you matter, that you exist and above all, someone is ready to give you their ear, another person is ready to listen. And I believe keeping things in your heart does not do you any good, maybe you just want to vent - so do so! Mind you nobody is going to judge you, we all have had OFF DAYS or one of those days we just want to rant. It doesn’t make us any less of a mama. It makes us even better mamas cause we are ready to take that extra step. Keeping those negative feelings in is not doing you or the kids any good.

And mommies please never have that MOM GUILT. Mom guilt has become so common in our society and we all go through this guilt stage from time to time. Therapists often link that with the mental health of the mommies. When we always have that persistent nagging feeling in our mind that we are not doing enough as mothers it’s the mom's guilt. We all make mistakes, we all want to do the best for our kids but we too are human and we need to accept that. There are only so many hours in a day. The first step is accepting the situation and the second is what we can do about it? There are going to be days when you are going to miss out on a soccer practice or a dance rehearsal cause of some unforeseen reason or maybe you fell asleep out of exhaustion without feeding the baby. Acceptable! But don’t let ugly claws of guilt creep into your mind. Try to overcome it.

“There will be so many times when you feel like you’ve failed. But in the eyes, heart, and mind of your child you are super mom.” - Stephanie Precourt

Don’t you all agree with that? It is true. We all are navigating our boats through unchartered waters and it's tough and we don’t know whether we are stirring it in the right direction and it scares us. All the more reason to have someone asking us, How are you doing mommy?’ So tell me mommy dears How Are You?

When my little guy was two I started taking Reiki healing lessons and got intonated as well. In one of the lessons, my Reiki Master (Guru) made me practice the vent out therapy. We used to shout at the top of our voices for a good few minutes. The trick was to get those negative feelings, the anxiety we have in our minds and get them out of our system by yelling. We were to think those negative feelings were then absorbed by nature. Ladies it works. I still practice it from time to time and it relaxes and calms you. It is serene even though it is physically exhausting to shout. Try it – yell into a pillow – it’s just a quick fix when nobody is asking How are you, mama?

One thing I have observed is that we mommies are wired differently as compared to daddies. Those constant worries and that anxiety which we feel, dads generally don't. I am not saying they love or care for our kids any less but it is just how mothers are. Maybe that’s why it's said we belong to different planets. Daddies seem to have a different, cool fun approach and moms have that emotional approach.

Imagine the scenario of a kid fetching an ice cream for his father and then he trips on something. What would the mom say,’ Are you ok, honey? And the Dad would say something like,’ I hope you didn’t drop my ice cream.’

That’s how different we are and the major emotional needs of our kids are taken care of, by us mothers which at times get exhausting, and at a certain point, it starts taking a toll on our emotional well-being. Worrying is like second nature to moms. Someone rightly said, ”behind every kid is a mother who constantly thinks she is gonna screw up.” But it only proves you are doing a super job.

Here I am signing off for now. Much love & kisses, A Mamma just like you.

Written By:Diana Davidson and Daveen DiGiacomo, Music Together Center Directors

Musicians and singers gathered on balconies in Italy playing together from afar. A pianist playing in a moving pickup truck serenading his neighborhood in New Orleans. Singers using the Acapella App to harmonize with other singers across the country while stuck at home. These are some of the viral images we saw when the pandemic first hit earlier this year. Everyone paused. Everything stopped and everything got canceled. However one thing became apparent, music was not canceled. Musicians just had to get creative, especially music teachers. We learned how to zoom. We learned to light ourselves from behind the camera. We became experts on mics and webcams. And most importantly, we found a way to keep families connected and the music going virtually. We kept our families with young children engaged and excited about making music at home through interactive music classes, all from the comfort of our living room turned music classroom. Families for the first time ever were experiencing extreme isolation as they had never before and hungry for connection. We just had to find new ways to gather and create a new kind of music-making community.

The experience of sharing music together and actively engaging in music creates fun quality family time and can support your children’s overall development. Singing, dancing, moving and playing with music can foster your child’s learning in multiple ways. Not only does it enhance their music learning, it also supports their social, emotional, physical, kinesthetic, cognitive and language development as well. These music and movement activities become a natural teaching tool that families can use to support their child’s growth across many domains.

Social and Emotional Development

When a child engages with music, they are nurturing their self-expression and self confidence, giving them a language to identify a range of emotions like joy, sadness, anger, excitement, and everything in between. A well known silly song sung to children about a very determined arachnid climbing up a water spout can actually be a vehicle for children to recognize expressions and emotions in others and themselves. Think about changing the lyrics of Eensy Weensy Spider to the Very Happy, Sad, or Angry Spider instead while applying facial expressions, intonation, and dramatic play. This experience can provide a developmentally appropriate way to recognize expressions and emotions in others while promoting empathy. Since children are natural improvisors, they will often offer their own lyric substitutions, showing creativity, leadership and group participation.

Physical & Kinesthetic Learning

Before some of us learned to play a musical instrument, we learned to play our primary instrument first. Our bodies. In early childhood, music is experienced through the voice and through the body with creative movement, which encompasses a tremendous amount of skill building, supporting physical and kinesthetic learning.

Let’s go back to our spider friend! Are you picturing the hand motions that go with the song? The spider fingers crawling up, the rain coming down, and the sun coming out? Now what if you made them into dancing spiders, bouncing spiders, stretching spiders, twisting spiders, jumping spiders, tip-toeing spiders, backwards walking spiders? In addition to helping a child’s fine and gross motor development, this gives them the opportunity to practice different ways to move and negotiate the space they are in. Using a simple song as a conductor for these movement activities supports their bilateral coordination by using both sides of the body and everyday locomotor and non-locomotor skills. Many children are natural kinesthetic learners and need to move in order to learn and better process information. They need to feel the music from their head, to their toes and across their little fingertips in order for learning to happen.

Cognitive Skills

We know that there are many connections made between math and music, but did you know informal music making can support growth in other areas related to cognitive knowledge like logic, reasoning and cause-effect? When the spider climbed up the water spout and it started to rain, what happened next? It “washed the spider out” of course. Children may even start to categorize and predict the pattern of this song, while using that information to compare and contrast patterns or irregularities they find in the world around them which is an important cognitive milestone for young children to develop.

Language and Literacy Skills

I had a student with learning disabilities whose speech was delayed. One day his mom came into class very excited. Her son had finally said his first words, which were Moo and Caw. Those words happened to be part of a song we were currently singing in class, which the parents were reinforcing at home. Music has a way of unlocking that language door.

Every week after that, he continued to progress with new words and new sounds, not just musically but in every aspect of his daily life. When children first start to explore their voices and start singing, they learn how to coordinate their breathing, which involves rhythm of speech, intonation, expression and inflection. Identifying rhymes and beginning and end sounds creates phonetic awareness and can help support children with spoken language, reading and writing skills. Like the English language, music is also written and read from left to right.

When children follow a piece of music, they apply the same tracking discipline and skill to reading. Children not only make associations between letters and sounds, they begin to match the printed lyrics to what they are singing.

Music Development On top of all these strata of skills brings us to the actual music learning itself. Before a child can play music, they need to learn to play with it first! Early childhood exposure to music from different countries, cultures, languages, time signatures and tonalities allow children to develop a very keen ear early on. On a train ride from Madrid to Sevilla, I observed a family with young children make the time go faster by breaking out with live flamenco music and dancing with only their hands to clap and their voices to sing. If you know anything about flamenco music, it’s made up of very complex meters. I was amazed at how their toddlers picked up those rhythms so naturally while singing and clapping with their parents, while I struggled to find the downbeat. This comes down to exposure and immersion. Just like the cognitive advantage young children have in learning new languages, they also have an advantage for learning different kinds of music they normally would not be exposed to.

Eventually every child can achieve basic music competence by singing in tune, keeping a beat and learning to participate with confidence through music. Those basic skills are paramount to learning an instrument, taking voice or dance lessons, singing in a choir, or simply just clapping along to flamenco dancers on a train in Spain.

While we’ve had to press pause on so many things this year, the music continues on in our living rooms, our kitchens, our bedrooms, our cars, our yards and in our daily lives. Whether in person or online, we can assure you as music teachers, we are just the beginning point of your child’s musical learning. Keeping the music alive at home has always been the end point.

Website: Songbirds Music

Website: Blossom Music Tree

Written By: Edwige Suzan Ozo, Moms on Maternity Columnist.

So, here we are, at one of the most defining points in any woman’s life: Motherhood.

Motherhood is a decision guided by what your heart can take in the end.

There is a quote that says; “Never give in to the desire to follow the crowd, don’t do it just because everyone else is, do it because you feel right about it.”

You should see Motherhood as a beautiful experience that comes with a bit of pain and demands but once you push past it, the joy is purely and positively inexplicable.

Now, to prepare any woman for this life-changing experience, there are a few TIPS you should always keep in mind as you progress";"

• BE PREPARED *; This journey will not be a walk in the park just because you have the love and support of friends and family. There will be moments when you wish you never got pregnant or even nursed the thought of being a mother especially when you are reminded of all the things you need to tune down. It gets frustrating and this is why you must be prepared for the changes that will take place along the way.

The hormonal imbalance of having cravings of all sorts, the possibility of being cranky and upset at weird times, the late-night snacking that gets you creeping around like some rodent at midnight and the most obvious one of all; the weight gain and accompanying change of wardrobe needed.

This is the part that gets most soon-to-be-Moms emotional. When you see the changes in your body and you notice how tight everything suddenly feels, you're all torn up about it, this is totally normal and you must be prepared to take it all in.

Keep your spirit up by going shopping at places like Old Navy or even H&M; where you will be getting not only great styles but the comfiest and most affordable array of maternity wears from; soft stretch leggings and gowns to the chic free wears. These clothes are made to keep you confident in your body changes and make you feel prettier at every trimester. Get yourself a Boppy Total Body pillow to help you sleep at night with fewer back pains and if you must snack up, try reading up on healthy pregnancy eats. Remember, your mission is to keep you and the baby healthy and the best way to get it together is to roll with the punches.

• DON’T LISTEN TO EVERYBODY * Lucy Liu; American actress and a Mother said: "You're going to get advice from a lot of people and you can take bits and pieces, but you know innately what your child needs. You should trust that. Don't beat yourself up for making decisions about things that may or may not work. It's an experiment in life and you're a part of that."

Your Mother or Mom-in-law might be giving you a long list of historical do’s and don’ts. Your friends will give you pointers on their experiences; “when I was pregnant with Josh, I never drank espresso or anything with caffeine. You should totally avoid it,” and the third degree goes on and on. Just stick to your instincts, read Motherhood books, try what works best for you to stay healthy, e.g., by enjoying fruits, vegetables and the highly recommended Mother’s Milk tea. Above all, make your doctor one of your best friends. It’s that simple.

• ENJOY THE RIDE * This might sound out of place considering the journey ahead, but you need to trust that the only way to make it all worthwhile is to enjoy the ride. From conception to the trimesters and the birthing; these are moments that will create a tale worth sharing someday. An anonymous quote puts it this way; “Birthing takes a woman’s deepest fears about herself, and shows her that she is stronger than them.”

Tell yourself always that you were born for this journey and you came this far because you did not only long to be a Mother, but you wanted to prove to the world that the Mom and Dad life, is a true testimony to being selfless and giving. It’s what Agatha Christie; the famous British writer said from her work; the last Séance;

“A Mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity. It dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.”

In the end, you can only embrace the Mom life when you stop worrying and start enjoying your new status; Motherhood.

Written By: Edwige Suzan Ozo, Moms on Maternity Columnist.

Welcome to 2021! After witnessing one of the most overwhelmingly challenging years ever, it's safe to sigh with relief and be thankful. 2020 was quite a year for the workers, traders, children and most especially Mothers because it introduced a much more engaging lifestyle for parents.

Before Covid, we would get wrapped up in being either a career-Mom or a work- from- home Mom or the complete house-Mom who cleans the home, shops for groceries and runs a few errands here and there and so much more. Each day, our routines would resume quite similarly to the previous days in full cycle.

With the dawning of the coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic rendering half the world in total isolation and the rise of intense social distancing, more Mothers swung into the safest available option of working remotely. Laptops and smartphones became our newest best friends, coupled with the challenges of having children screaming and playing at the top of their voices as we worked. We had more moments where we were like; 'Can you keep it down, I’m trying to get some work done here, ’ Or ‘Baby, Mommy is busy okay, go play with the others.' Then the next thing we would hear is the screaming cry of our kid reminding us that there is no way I can really work from home as we ran to attend the them.

Does this continue to be frustrating or what? Of course, it is, but this is the reality of the new life COVID-19 has set before all Mothers and children. Every day, we are overwhelmingly trying to keep the home tidy and dust-free with COVID-19 being a respiratory disease and all. We are getting tired of continuously washing hands and reminding our kids to do the same every time they go outside; it’s nerve-wracking when they forget all the rules and throw caution to the wind! It gets challenging but no complaints because Motherhood is about patience, endurance and multi-tasking.

Voila Davis; an award-winning American Actress had this to say, "I tell my daughter every morning, 'Now, what are the two most important parts of you?' And she says, 'My head and my heart.' Because that's what I've learned in the foxhole: What gets you through life is strength of character and strength of spirit and love."

As a Mother, you need to keep your spirit up even when you feel exhausted because for sure, you will be. Bottom line, you are here, there is no turning back and you’ve got kids who love you and understand that on some days when you yell it’s because you’re tired or stressed but they still love you anyway and they will always look up to you.

So, with that in mind, think of the COVID-19 pandemic as an experience teaching you how to adjust your lifestyle. Yes, 2020 is over, 2021 is here and it still bears the scars of the previous year and more wounds to potentially come. We now know the stress and strain of creating balance. This time, it’s okay if the plan is mushy at first, as we know we will get the hang of things eventually.

The big question is how can you create that balance without breaking down and getting washed out from exhaustion?

• Time Schedules; an experienced mother knows the power and importance of time when it comes to managing a home. You cannot afford to get past a day without strategizing time for activities. The pandemic calls for more planning; from the moment you wake up till dusk, set out time for working, cooking, cleaning, playing with the kids, hubby time and your alone time where you just stretch out on the sofa with a glass of wine or the Mama Body Herbal Tea made for stress relief or the Celestial Seasonings Chamomile tea which can get you sleeping in no time because every Mother knows that the one thing you don’t get very often is the zeal to sleep. A well-planned day amid all the COVID-19 brouhaha can make life less burdensome.

• Engaging your kids; to make the isolation worthwhile, keep them reading, writing, playing super cool educational and mentally activating non-tech games and its totally fine and appropriate to add in some tech enabled games like those made by, V.Tech, which isn’t only affordable but an easy to use interface for kids. Teach your kids and yourself while youre at it, some DIY techniques and watch to see which they become engrossed in. Voila! With all that engagement, you will hopefully see more me-time and the the kids will be more involved in their own space - a win-win for everybody.

Truth is no one knows what 2021 holds so be the best mother you possibly can be regardless of the circumstances. Take each day as it comes and don’t beat yourself up if you don’t meet targets and deadlines.

Joyce Meyers; a Christian writer and evangelist in her work; the confident mom says: “It’s impossible to enjoy anything when you are afraid of failing at it. But once you know with all your heart that you really do have what it takes, being a Mom can be a lot more fun.”

Enjoy the role and take it with all the joys, sorrows and stresses that come along; this is what makes you unique and superhuman as a Mother.

Written By: Staci Berrey, Labor of Love Birth Services.

Over the last 9 years, Labor of Love has received many questions and concerns when it comes to conception after 35. Let’s break down some of these beliefs so that we can become more informed about our bodies, birth and motherhood. Currently, around the world, the average age for first time mothers is 31. A huge change from the ripe old age of 21 in the 1980s. More and more couples are waiting to start their family for a myriad of reasons; financial, career, school, travel, etc. So many people are now waiting until their 30's to conceive and in doing so it pushes subsequent pregnancies into one's mid to late 30s, and possibly even early 40s.

I was 33 when I had my first child and 35 with my second. Many of the questions our clients have, I had myself when tying to conceive; so let’s get into it:

Myth #1:

The likelihood of conceiving after 35 is slim.

Now, as I entered my 30’s and started to think about having a baby I was very concerned that we would not be able to conceive. I started my period at the very old age of 9 and thought that would decrease my chances even more. I was so concerned that I made an appointment with my care provider to discuss my fears and the advice she gave me was surprising!!

I walked into her office with all my concerns and questions that I had gathered, all the statistics and information that I had heard, and she looked at me and said;

“We won't know if you can’t get pregnant until you try!” 🤪

So, the biggest thing here to understand is that you need to try first. It maybe surprisingly easy and all the stress and worry could be for nothing.

With that said, it could take a little longer to get pregnant after 30. As we age the probability of conceiving after 30 in any given month is about a 20% chance. Now I know that statistic seems low at first glance and may give you some alarm; however, that percentage is just a small drop of 5%. In our 20’s the probability of conceiving in any given month is 25%. So, don’t dismay. Try, try, and then, try again!

Unless there are other circumstance and issues, women can technically conceive if they are still releasing eggs and haven’t gone through menopause. Keep in mind that in our late 30’s it can take a year or more to get pregnant. For my first, at 32, it took 6 months.

Myth #2:

The likelihood of conceiving spontaneously, without intervention, is slim after 35.

Again, you will not know until you try. And, as we learned above, it may take more time. More time to be intimate and get to know your partner, so enjoy. Stress will inhibit conception and nothing kills the moment more than stress and pressure to make a baby.

In addition, there are some things you can to help your fertility along.

• Prioritize your physical and mental health. Yes, that means eat right, avoid alcohol and excessive caffeine. Maintain a healthy weight and don’t smoke. In addition, lower your stress levels and invest in your peace of mind and investing in calmness on a daily basis.
• Get to know your body and track your cycle. Pay attention to fertility signs such as cervical fluid and basal body temperature. The book, Taking Charge of Your Fertility is a great place to start to understand your body and its fertility signs.
• Take a home fertility test which will help you figure out when you are ovulating.
• Add supplements to your diet that promote healthy fertility such as myo-inosital.
• See your care provider if you feel it's taking longer than what is desired. They can address any concerns and help with medical history and pre-conception support.
• See a fertility specialist to increase your chances of a natural way to conceive.

Myth #3:

The likelihood of conceiving a healthy baby after 35 is slim.

Let’s talk about your menstrual cycle. We know the process pretty well; an egg is released and then waits to be fertilized. If it’s fertilized (VOILA), you’re pregnant. If it’s not fertilized you shed it along with the lining of your uterus, and (VOILA) you get your period.

During your lifetime, as a person that menstruates, your body will choose the healthiest eggs to be fertilized first. That means that all the periods you had in your teens and twenties the healthiest eggs were released first. This process contributes to the increased statistics of chromosomal abnormalities, which can lead to birth defects such as Down Syndrome, the older you are when you conceive. This is also the reason for extra genetic testing for those over 35.

With that said, the risk of having a baby with chromosomal abnormality after 35 is still overall very small. The percentages do increase the older you get AND those percentages are still low for what is gained.

After 35, your risk is .002% and at 40 it’s 1% chance of chromosomal abnormalities. Again, the older you are, the more tests you will be offered to ensure the health of your baby. This by no way means that your pregnancy is high risk. It simply means that your provider wants to ensure that your baby is healthy on arrival, and/or has what it needs in the case that something is detected.

With all this in mind, conceiving after 35 can also increase your risk of miscarriage. Due to the same process as above, healthier eggs being released first, if an unhealthy egg is released and fertilized it can lead to miscarriage. The risk increases from 15% in our 20’s to 20-35% after 35. That means that on average 80% of women after the age of 35 years old have healthy full term pregnancies.

FACT:

Your chance of having multiples increases with age!

Yes, as you age and your menstruation window comes to a close, you have a greater probability of releasing multiple eggs at a time. That means that the possibility of twins and/or multiples increases with your age at conception. After 35 your risk is 5% and after 45 that risk of multiples increases to 20%. So, if you have waited there is a chance you can be blessed with more than one baby!! Sounds like a plus in every aspect to me!!

With all this said, know that fertility is very individual and don’t take any one else’s story or experience as your own. Your ability to conceive is dependent on so many factors; the genetics of you and your partner, lifestyle, diet, habits, stress level, and so on. Have patience and treat yourself kindly. Connect to your body and your partner in a beautiful and loving way. Seek professional help and answers if needed.

Best of luck!

Website: www.laboroflovebirthservices.com

Written By: Bosky Singh, Moms on Maternity Columnist.

Raising kids has never been easy and keeping them stimulated and engaged is even tougher. It is hard to keep them busy with one thing for a long duration. The younger the kid, the shorter the attention span. This has become the herculean task for parents during these covid times. These are trying times and parents are in new waters… working from home, looking after the household, and most importantly taking care of their little ones without the previous support systems, it is enough to exhaust anyone. Parents are multitasking like never before.

A pediatrician friend of mine told me that the number of cases of parents complaining about their kids being stubborn, cranky, having emotional outbursts, and other behavioral changes has increased.

Ok, let’s try to understand the kid’s psyche. What’s going on in those fragile minds of theirs? They are anxious, everything familiar to them has been taken away from them..their school, friends, play dates and at the age when we should be teaching them about socializing we are teaching them about social-distancing. And to add to it all there’s a Covid monster out there. It's hard enough on us but we need to think about what our little ones are going through. I know it's really hard on us to keep a cool head and it’s going to take some effort on our part but our efforts on keeping them engaged will lend to a harmonious ambiance at home resulting in everyone being happy. Kid's minds need stimulation, they need something to keep them engaged and when they are busy doing something they are happy and a happy kid means a happy family. Yeah!

Below is my experience. I also talked to a few Mom friends to share their experiences around keeping their kids engaged during these difficult Covid times.

1 – Routine:

Kids are used to a routine and it’s the most important thing to form a routine even if they are at home. It gives them a sense of familiarity and security and something to look forward to. So have a routine and try to stick to it without being a stickler, whatever works for you all.

2 - Music:

I found this a great way to start a day. I play some nice music in the morning and then wake my little guy up. He gets up all happy and chirpy and dances a bit and then starts his day. Music has that positive vibe to it: it makes you happy, improves creativity, improves brain function and reduces your stress level. So what better way to start your day than music!

3 - Painting:

I did this with my little one and not the normal paper and coloring, instead I bought some non-toxic chalk paint and engaged my little one in painting an old terracotta lamp that I wanted to recycle. He was super excited to do it. The Result- a happy colorful kid and a new lamp. Seeing his enthusiasm, I got him to next paint a rattan basket and a couple of old wooden photo frames. And now he has started looking forward to what projects we are gonna do next. Painting too reduces stress levels and stimulates creativity much needed in these tough times.

4 - Yard Activities (gardening):

Plan some in-yard activities for the kids…

• Drawing pictures in the mud with a stick or building sandcastles.
• Playing with water and blowing water bubbles.
• Playing hopscotch or hide and seek.
• Designing a treasure hunt.
• Some DIY activites that interest you!

Among all the yard activities, what worked the most for me is gardening. I engaged my little guy in sowing seeds and watering the plants. And it appealed to him so much that he has taken up the task of watering the plants. Yes! a few saplings were martyred in the process but he loves it and now he talks to them,”Are you thirsty? Here you go, have some water…feeling better?” So cute.

Gardening again reduces stress levels, boosts mental health and some even found it to reduce anxiety. And plants and greenery just make you happy and, well, let's not forget about its aesthetic and cooking appeal.

Another friend of mine swore by the treasure hunt. ..In her words, ”Treasure hunts keep my little ones busy for a good two hours which gives me enough time to complete a report and get the dinner started.”

5 - Getting the little oned engaged in household chores:

This one is a little tricky but it works. You have to make the kids feel as if they are part of the team. KEYWORD is Responsibility. As Abigail Van Buren said, ”If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.”

You have to make them feel responsible for certain tasks. It can be in setting and clearing the table, putting the dishes away, organizing their toys and cleaning their room. And more than anything else you are honing certain life skills in them which are going to stay with them forever.

I even engaged my guy into fireless cooking like whipping the batter, buttering the bread and shelling peas. On Father’s and Mother’s day, he was involved in the process of baking the cake and decorating the living area.

6 - Virtual Playdates and some limited digital activities:

Plan some play dates for kids virtually. Its super fun and you just don’t have to do anything for it. Kids get super excited to see their friends…they laugh, they giggle, they shout out of excitement. I actually got misty-eyed seeing my kid talking to his friends on his first digital playdate.

Download some fun educational activities for your little ones to do. It would keeps them busy for a good duration of time and they would learn something as well in the process.

7 - Movies:

Have family movie nights with them. Watch some old classics or the ones which you grew up watching and also watch movies of their choice. This way you are teaching them to take turns and learning to accept other’s choices as well. ( I can now narrate the Disney Cars movie verbatim even in my sleep and it is Avengers for one of my friends. )

8 – Story Time:

This one is a favorite at our place. And it's accompanied by a bowl of popcorn. We read storybooks. I narrate to him the stories my mom and grandparents told me. And we have one more type of storytelling session. I have a ton of photographs (hard copies) and we choose one and I tell him the incidents and stories related to it. He loves it .. he now knows many such stories and at times tell them himself. It's such a great way to spend time with your kids reliving your childhood and sharing your family history.

As mothers/fathers/caretakers, you get to decide what works for you. I know it’s a daunting task but you are doing a fantabulous job and we all are in this together. There’s always light at the end of the tunnel and like any other phase, this too shall pass. Take this as a blessing as we would never get to spend this much time with our families. So Parents smile.. you are doing a great job!

Written By: Bosky Singh, Moms on Maternity, columnist.

Matt Walsh very rightly said, "Parenting is the easiest thing in the world to have an opinion about, but the hardest thing in the world to do."

Parenting as we say is not a child's play, raising little people can be challenging indeed and it becomes easier and harder both when it becomes a team effort. In today's world raising kids is just not just a Mom's job but about doing it together. Daddies too have to pitch in and do their part. Both the parents have to take an active interest in bringing up their kids and work as a team for the betterment of the child/children. Children are the testament of our love. If we have agreed to bring kids into this world then why don’t we raise them as a TEAM?

Team effort for me means working together with my husband in raising our son. Teamwork means coming together and working for a similar goal. And as parents, our goal is doing the best for our kids…love them, nurture them and bring out the best in them by bringing out the best in ourselves. Yeah!

More often than not we don’t see eye-to-eye. EYES ROLLING! I am visualizing most of you agreeing with me. Right? And it’s OK cause we are two different people coming from two different backgrounds. We were brought up in different ways. Parenting very often comes from how our parents used to behave in certain situations and we fall back to the same behavior without even realizing it.

It becomes essential from the start that we discuss what we want for our child, what kind of morals and values we want to inculcate in them. What we need to do is get to know each other’s backgrounds and decide on common ground. Sounds simple? But no dearies it’s not. The KEY to this is Communication. That’s what I did with my dear hubby.. we talked, we argued then we talked some more and, finally found some common ground. There are things like nap time, nutrition and even studies when they grow a bit to agree on... for e.g.,- my task is to take care of our son’s languages while mathematics & science is taken care of by my hubby. In the simplest of terms, strive to share the workload mutually as per the best of your abilities.

Mother Teresa once said, ”I can do things you cannot, you can do things I cannot; together we can do great things.”

The keyword is together. Together you need to be in sync with each other like a drum and its sticks producing a perfect tune to which your kids respond to. Always remember you are in this together and that there is no I in teamwork. It’s a joint venture between the parents.

I as a mother feel it’s more than just being there but taking interest in the overall development of the kids, communicating with them, loving them, and even disciplining and correcting them when necessary. Both the parents should pay attention not only to the kids but to each other as well because kids are like little monkeys who tend to imitate their parents. Kids who come from such parenting units are more willing to listen to others, they are open to communication and they work well in teams and above all, they feel loved and wanted and show this same empathy towards others.

Radhika Srivastav a mother of a proactive 5-year-old says, ”We have a system in our house. Once back from work if I am cooking or doing the dishes my hubby would spend time with our kid and later, we switch. When it's time to put him to bed we both spend some time with him either reading or just chatting.”

The world is changing and so is the so-called parenting team. There are all kinds of parenting units: Single parents with the support of grandparents, friends, teachers, or even the paid helping hand, they all are a part of the team and in my opinion the bigger this unit, the more loved the kids are going to feel and happier they are going to be.

The most important thing is the kids should know both of you are working together in-sync. You need to portray a united front and if a parent tells the kid it ‘s nap time then the parent means the same. There's no going around it. Kids are super smart that way. The moment they observe a crack in that armor they are going to attack with their arsenal (I know I did!). Most of us have done it at some point in our lives. Like any other skill parenting too is a skill and with time we all get better at it.

There are some things to keep in mind:

• Always be open to communication - the key to any successful relationship.
• Reliability - both partners should know they can rely on each other with their eyes closed.
• Make decisions together - for successful teamwork.
• Try your best to not put your partner down - we all make mistakes learn to get past them.
• Resolve issues and conflict - don’t leave them hanging in the air.
• Learn to prioritize - we all want what is best for our kids but prioritizing is a must.
• Evolve - as your kids grow your parenting style needs to evolve too.
• Appreciate - both your partner and kids.
• Take breaks - at times together and at times alone (give each other breaks)

What is most important is that we love what we are doing. It’s a blessing to raise kids and to raise them together with your partner / the person you love is twice the blessing. Keep in mind, there’s no right or wrong way to parent. You all are doing great, just count your blessings and cherish the days. It is a miracle of life that we get to love and nurture our little ones. Enjoy it all with a smile on your face and the wind in your hair.

Written By: Whitney Anne Staeb, Postpartum Doula and Herbalist.

We are in the midst of Winter here in the Northern Hemisphere and while most of us are staying home a lot, due to the current state of the world, it is still cold and flu season and therefore a good time to keep taking care of our bodies and immune systems to prevent illnesses.

Prevention is key in keeping our immune systems functioning optimally no matter the season, and right now more than ever it is important to stay home when sick to prevent spreading anything to others as well. So what can you do as a pregnant or nursing mama to take care of your immune system?

First things first -- eat a nutritious diet.

One of the biggest factors in staying healthy and well is making sure to eat well, which can be more challenging in winter or if you are experiencing the common symptom of nausea that often accompanies pregnancy.

As much as 70% of our immune system is housed in our gut where beneficial bacteria is used to stimulate the development of immune cells to help the body fight off pathogens. Supporting a healthy immune system means supporting a healthy digestive system via these beneficial bacteria. Probiotic rich foods feed these beneficial bacteria and support healthy digestion and absorption of nutrients. Sauerkraut, kimchi, and miso, as well as yogurts containing live and active cultures are all good options to include in the diet.

Pay attention to what food is in season in your area. ‘Tis the season for Vitamin C rich citrus fruits, root vegetables, and winter squash. Soups are a great way to incorporate many of the seasonal foods into your diet and a delicious and nutritious vegetable or chicken soup is medicine in a bowl. Consider making bone broth, or a vegetable mineral broth if you are vegetarian or vegan. These broths are deeply nourishing and great to drink on their own, or used as a base for soups and stews. As much as possible, eat an immune supportive whole foods diet, limiting processed foods, refined sugars, caffeine and alcohol, as these can contribute to a weakened immune system.

Get moving!

If you are pregnant or just had a baby, or if you live in a colder climate, this part may be more challenging for you, but do what you can! Daily movement or exercise can go a long way in supporting the immune system and reducing stress. Around 30 minutes of exercise at least 3 times weekly supports a positive mood and can reduce inflammation in the body. Walking and yoga are gentle ways to get some daily movement in -- and a bonus if you can do so out in the sun!

Our body is most able to synthesize vitamin D from the sun when our skin is exposed during the morning hours. Essential for optimal immune function, vitamin D deficiency has been linked to an increased susceptibility to infection. While we can’t get all the vitamin D we need from the sun alone, the sun provides a healthy dose and can help improve mood as well as immune function, especially during the colder and darker months.

Rest and de-stress.

Research has shown that sleep has a positive effect on immune function and actually strengthens the immune system by supporting the formation of immunological memory. As a pregnant or nursing mama, this is a lot easier said than done. Whenever possible, carve in a few extra minutes of rest each day, whether that is taking a nap, or spending a few moments in a quiet meditation. As much as possible, limit stress, which can have a negative impact on the immune system. Acts of self care to alleviate stress do not need to be expensive or time consuming and can be something as simple as taking a few deep breaths to reset, taking a warm shower or bath, or making yourself a hot cup of tea.

So, what about herbs and supplements during pregnancy and nursing?

If you aren’t already, consider taking a prenatal vitamin during pregnancy and even for 6 months postpartum while nursing. Prenatal supplements contain important vitamins and nutrients such as vitamin C, vitamin D, zinc and others that not only support the body in growthing, birthing, and feeding a baby, but also optimize immune function. If you are wondering what prenatal vitamin to take and if one is appropriate for you, talk to a knowledgeable practitioner or midwife for a specific recommendation.

Echinacea is an antiviral immune stimulating herb that has been demonstrated to be safe during pregnancy. It can be taken at the onset of cold or flu symptoms to reduce the severity and duration of symptoms. ½-1 tsp of the liquid extract taken twice daily is the recommended dose.

Elderberry is another antiviral herb that is commonly made into a delicious syrup with raw honey. While this herb has not been studied and found to be safe during pregnancy, many herbalists consider it to be safe in moderate amounts to prevent colds and flus. 1-2 tablespoons daily is the recommended dose.

Ginger is another warming, antiviral herb that has been used cross culturally in cooking and in herbal therapies for illness prevention and immune support. Ginger tea is also very soothing to sore throats. To make a powerful immune supportive tea as prevention or during a cold or flu, peel and grate 1 tablespoon of fresh ginger root, cover, and steep it in 1 cup of boiling water for 15 minutes. Add a squeeze of lemon and raw honey to taste.

Prevention is key in minimizing the risk of catching colds and flus and many other illnesses this season. We can do so by supporting our body’s robust immune systems through healthful nutrition, movement, sunshine, and vitamins and minerals. Preventing seasonal ailments doesn’t require lots of fancy supplements or time consuming practices and can be as simple as incorporating a few of the steps above.

I hope you are staying healthy and well this season and as the season shifts from Winter to Spring!

The information in this article is for educational purposes and does not substitute for medical care. Please see your physician, midwife, or a knowledgeable care provider before self-treating with any herbs or supplements, especially when pregnant, nursing, or on any medications.

Sources:

5 Ways to Boost Your Immune System Through Your Gut. DuPage Medical Group, Dupage Medical Group, 11 Aug. 2020, www.dupagemedicalgroup.com/health-topic/5-ways-to-boost-your-immune-system-through-your-gut.

MedlinePlus Medical Encyclopedia. Exercise and Immunity, MedlinePlus, U.S. National Library of Medicine, medlineplus.gov/ency/article/007165.html.

Vitamin D and the Immune System., Aranow, Cynthia. Journal of Investigative Medicine : the Official Publication of the American Federation for Clinical Research, U.S. National Library of Medicine, Aug. 2011, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3166406/.

Sleep and Immune Function. Besedovsky, Luciana, et al., Pflugers Archiv : European Journal of Physiology, Springer-Verlag, Jan. 2012, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3256323/.

6 Doctor-Proven Tips You Can Use to Prevent Flu.” Aviva Romm MD, 2 June 2020, avivaromm.com/flu-season-hits-hard-again/.

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Written By: Jen Varela, Certified Gentle Sleep Coach® - Pediatric Sleep Consultant.

A new baby brings your family more love, more joy, more laughter—and more sleepless nights. As a new mom, you may not be getting the same hours of sleep you used to, but there are ways for you and baby to get peaceful sleep during those precious hours, and set the stage for many good nights of sleep in your future.

Safe Sleep = Peaceful Sleep

You’ll rest easy knowing that your baby is sleeping in a safe environment. Use the same energy you put into babyproofing your home towards creating that nurturing sleep space for your little one.

• Use a crib that meets all safety standards and has all its parts so it can be properly assembled. Keep an eye out for any recall notices.
• Make sure the mattress is the appropriate size for your baby (there shouldn’t be any gaps between it and the crib) and use the correct side; some mattress have an infant side and a toddler side.
• Keep crib bumpers, comforters, blankets, and stuffed animals out of the crib during baby’s first year. All you need is a mattress pad, a fitted sheet, and, if you’re concerned about warmth, some cozy wearable blankets or footed pajamas.
• Clear the space around the crib. As your baby learns to sit up, crawl, and stand, they may want to explore their surroundings. Eliminate any safety hazards, like cords on window blinds, lamps, or hanging mobiles that can be pulled down.
• Create a safe space if you’re sharing a room with your baby. A co-sleeping bassinet keeps your baby close by in a secure spot of their own next to you.
• Always place your infant to sleep on their back to reduce the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS).

Get Into a Bedtime Routine

As your infant progresses through the first year, you’ll have the opportunity to start setting healthy sleep habits. However, the period between 4 months old and 12 months old is marked by many developmental milestones (crawling, standing, walking) that can affect a baby’s sleep patterns. World view changes, such as the introduction of new caregivers, can also impact sleep. Establishing an adaptable bedtime routine will help you and baby weather these shifts without losing a lot of sleep. Some things to keep in mind:

• Don’t set bedtime according to the 12-hour clock. Instead, look at the awake window, or the hours your baby is up between the last nap of the afternoon and bedtime. Babies who are awake too long will get a second wind thanks to a rush of cortisol in their system, and that will make it harder for them to get to sleep at night. Here’s an example of timing naps and bedtime so your baby gets enough sleep over a 24-hour period.

  • Ages 4-5 months: 3 to 4 naps with 90 minutes of wakefulness between naps.
  • Ages 6-8 months: 3 naps, with 1 ½ to 2 hours of wakefulness between naps.
  • Ages 9-12 months: 2 naps, with 2 to 3 hours of wakefulness for babies 9 to 10 months and 3 to 4 hours for ages 11 to 12 months. So if you want bedtime to be between 6 and 8 p.m., make sure to stay within the window for wakefulness according to their age.
• Keep the bedtime routine to about 15 to 20 minutes, and follow it in the same order every night. That will be your baby’s cue that it’s time to go to sleep.
• Keep lighting as dim as possible in the baby’s room. Avoid blue light, which can interfere with sleep/wake cycles. If you need to use a night light, choose one that is a soothing amber in color.
• If you have a partner, both of you should be involved in the bedtime routine. It’s a wonderful opportunity for bonding that your family can treasure.

If you’re concerned about your infant’s sleep habits, talk with your pediatrician or consult a sleep coach. Sleep coaches can work with you to find the best solutions for your family’s specific needs and situation. When you invest the time in creating healthy habits, your whole family will sleep easy at night.

Instagram: Instagram.com/sugarnightnight | Facebook: Facebook.com/SugarNightNight | Website: www.sugarnightnight.com Linkedin: www.linkedin.com/in/jenvarela/ Youtube: www.youtube.com/channel/UCK1OkkU1UG6v-bvGwsa-ETg

Written By: Stevie Trujillo, Postpartum Doula.

As a Postpartum Doula I work with families in the fourth trimester. Many families book me months in advance, while others have had their baby already and are desperate for support. What I have found is that those families who booked me months ahead had a plan for their fourth trimester. Those families had much better experiences vs those that did not have a plan and thought everything would fall into place once their baby arrived. During pregnancy many new parents come up with a birthing plan (which is great and not to be discounted), but what about when the baby is here, what's next? More than likely you prepared for your new baby with a baby shower, finding the best baby products, and setting up a beautiful Instagram-worthy nursery. The reality is those gifts you received off your registry, those baby products, and that nursery will not prepare you for what your body, mind, and spirit goes through during the fourth trimester. Below you will find my top 5 ways to prepare for the fourth trimester.

My first suggestion for preparing for the fourth trimester is the most important. Talk to your partner. Sounds simple right? Sometimes these conversations are hard to have. However, they are essential for not only your relationship, but for a better experience with your new baby. Topics that should be discussed are: who will be getting up with the baby, who will be taking care of specific chores around the home, who will be making the meals, do you want visitors those first few weeks (if so, who?). The birthing person will need time to heal from delivery whether it was a cesarean or vaginal birth, and they will be relying heavily on the support of their partner. Typically sleep deprivation is hardest on couples with newborns. Therefore, it is incredibly important that both partners are taking turns taking care of their baby overnight. I suggest to parents that one parent takes the first half of the night and the other takes the second, that way each parent gets a solid few hours of sleep. House chores are typically the last thing on your mind when you are about to have a baby, but once your new baby is here the laundry, bottles, and household chores will stack up quickly. Unfortunately, this can cause unwanted anxiety and stress during the fourth trimester for both parents. So talk about it beforehand don't wait until you are exhausted and stressed to have these discussions. Together you can designate one person to take care of the bottles and have the other take over the laundry. Make it simple, but make sure everything is covered so you don’t stress.

Another thing to do to prepare for the fourth trimester is to decide on whether you plan on breastfeeding, formula feeding, or both. If you decide to breastfeed it is important to be prepared since it is not always natural and easy. Research IBCLC’s in your area that you like or that accept your insurance, and take a breastfeeding class. Also if you are breastfeeding you should decide if you would like to also introduce a bottle to your new baby, and when then should be done. If you plan on returning to work then it would be important that your baby be able to take a bottle once you do return to work. Sizing for pump flanges and finding the right bottle will also be something to consider if you plan on pumping and bottle feeding. Breastfeeding can be very beneficial to both the mother and the new baby, but it can also be incredibly difficult. It may go very well, but if it doesn't you will feel good knowing you have already researched and found support that you feel comfortable with. If you do not plan on breastfeeding, that is ok too. Breastfeeding is not for everyone and for many different reasons. If you decide to formula feed it is important to research which formula you think is best for your baby. This may need to be adjusted once your baby arrives depending on if they have specific dietary needs. However, if you research and find a formula that works best for your family it will save you time/energy once your baby arrives. Keep in mind when considering how you want to feed your baby, it does not have to be all or nothing. You can absolutely both breastfeed and formula feed.

Nesting is known as the burst of energy pregnant people get in the last few weeks of their pregnancy in which they clean and organize their homes in preparation of their new baby. Something I recommend for nesting parents is for them to also prepare meals that they can freeze and consume once their baby arrives. Some really great meals to make ahead and freeze are soups, chilis, pan style meals (i.e. lasagna and enchiladas), muffins, and protein bites. Once your baby arrives the last thing you will want to do is go stand in the kitchen for hours to cook, however it is incredibly important for your healing body to remain nourished. Having healthy meals ready that you just need to heat up will leave you feeling so relieved.

You have likely heard the saying, “it takes a village” and it is one of the truest statements I have ever heard. So another important suggestion is to determine who your village is. Who can you call for help, or who can you call when you're having a rough day. When you have your baby, having a “village” of supporters behind you will make the experience that much better. Talk with your close family and friends, see if anyone is willing to come help support you. Whether it is helping with meals, housework, holding your baby for a few minutes so you are able to take a shower or go for a walk every single bit helps. While it can sometimes be uncomfortable to ask others for help, the truth is most people would love to be able to help their loved ones (you). With the current pandemic that does make it more difficult for in person support, but even a simple meal dropped off at your doorstep can take one thing off your list. Also, join mom-groups. It is so important to remain connected with others, especially when you have a new baby. Even if you are socially distancing you can connect with like-minded moms through online groups. Not only is social media a great place to find groups, a lot of in-person mommy groups have moved to digital platforms to make connections easier during the pandemic. It is much easier to go through those tough moments when you know you are not alone.

Finally, a strong suggestion I have for parents expecting is to get the support of a postpartum doula. Postpartum doulas provide families information and support on infant feeding, emotional and physical recovery from childbirth, infant soothing, coping skills for new parents, and referrals as needed. They also help with light housework, meal prep and can help incorporate an older child into this new experience. Postpartum doulas work both days and overnights, so if sleep deprivation is a concern, they can help make sure you get the rest you need. A postpartum doula may not be in the budget for all families, but there are some ways to help curb these costs. Find a doula that does gift certificates (and then put that on your registry), save for it (just as you would for a wedding), find a newer doula that is willing to take a lower rate, and ask your insurance if they cover postpartum doulas (as of January 2020 many insurances are reimbursing the costs for a certified postpartum doula). Even if you hire one for just a few hours, I promise you will not regret the money spent.

There are many ways to prepare for the arrival for your new baby. After working with many families, I have found that the best ways to be prepared are to talk with your partner, have a feeding plan, meal prep during pregnancy, find your support system, and hire a postpartum doula. Even if you only do a few of these suggestions, your postpartum experience with your new baby will be that much better.

Instagram: Instagram.com/StevieRoseDoula | Facebook: Facebook.com/StevieRoseDoula | Website: www.stevierosedoula.com

Written By: Aimee Cruz and Bosky Singh.

Parenting and Mothering, more specifically, is a first-hand experience in which no book or series of texts can prepare you for. Yeah! I mean, sure, you can get ideas and inspirations from time to time from Mom Bloggers but nothing in the world will prepare you for it. It’s a job where you must learn to trust yourself and your partner and often base efforts on the trusty trial and error method.

I once read in a parenting book …’ I was a good parent until I became one’ and I couldn’t have agreed more. You find yourself caught in moments of “How do I deal with this?” and “I should be doing XYZ better.” Or “Is it normal to do this.” Just repeat to Yourself, I am safe, my family is safe, and we are always working to be better. Do your research, call someone you trust, or a professional, but sometimes just deep breaths and trial and error is the Best Course. Get quiet enough and listen to yourself and those who care about you.

We all have rather big notions about parenting before we become a Mommy. We hope we will be one of those Mommy’s who does not have a hair out of place, who has a spick and span house (even though this was hard enough pre-kids!) and that we will have really well-behaved kids, who are just perfect. In reality, our kids are perfect just as they are. They are the ones teaching us about ourselves and reminding us about what is important in this world as well as in the human psyche. They are learning from us and need our love when they are acting out, as this is how they know they are safe and become who they were born to be. Parenting is a constant internal battle on how to react to our children.

Here is a short story by Gary Rubin, San Diego Life Coach and Gym Owner who recently, sadly, passed away from terminal cancer. He was an inspiration to many.

“My interactions with my teenage daughter were once very stressful. This stress was not actually from her, but from my interpretations of her actions. I was judging her attitude as being rude and disrespectful. Then, I realized that I couldn’t change it, as I had been trying that for years, so I decided to change my interpretation. I know interpret her attitude as an outlet for the pain that comes with being a teenager. Instead of getting angry, I feel compassion. Consequently, instead of being out of control, I am very much in control. And an amazing thing resulted… her attitude got better. I learned that you cannot fight darkness by bringing in more darkness, only by bringing in the light. Being stressed only adds to darkness.”

Though TV Shows, Social Media and Mainstream Commercials might suggest otherwise, it is OK if your house is not clean enough, it is OK if you have some gooey stuff on your chin, and it is OK if your toddler just had a meltdown…this is what Mothering is all about and we the ladies, the Mothers should learn to enjoy it and get rid of any preconceived notions about it all.

Embrace it with open arms and a wide smile and see what works for you. It's exhausting, back-breaking work and the most important thing to learn is to accept HELP. Don’t try to be a do it all by yourself, Mom. By accepting a little help here and there you’ll be able to make more time for yourself and your kid(s).

And one more thing, if you feel like putting your feet up or having a glass of wine or hot tea after the little ones have gone to sleep… DO SO!! You have earned it. That serenity and peace after a chaotic day is total bliss so sit back and relax and ENJOY IT.

Motherhood means being selfless, being overwhelmed with love and emotion for your little ones but it also means living for yourself. It’s a huge part of who you are but it should not consume you. What I am trying to say is enjoy every step of it but learn to take a step back when needed. Only a Mother’s instinct can tell you when to do that. Don't let yourself be pulled down by anything or anybody, and enjoy.

Written By: Kacey Wehr, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist & Mental Health & Wellness Specialist.

I Am So Sorry …

For the last couple of weeks I have been pretty quiet on Social Media, I haven’t been writing, and frankly, I haven’t had the bandwidth to do much beyond taking care of my basic needs for food, sleep, and a minimal degree of personal hygiene. Honestly, I’ve been overwhelmed and sad for the state of our country and the collective pain and social movement that has been sparked for People of Color around the globe. So many feelings have been coming up that for once, I couldn’t put them all into words. I have been actively following, reading, and keeping up with everything but I felt stunted and inept, I felt shame around not doing more, and for not being more directly involved, but I am guessing I am not alone in this.

I have spent quite a lot of time, reflecting on my privilege, reflecting on my work as a therapist who spent years working with minorities and People of Color who were systematically oppressed, and who struggled to rise above those systems, despite the obstacles, and wondered if I could have done more to help. I look at the incredible progress being made across the United States right now as new laws are being passed to prevent issues, provide oversight, ensure consequences for violence and killings by law enforcement and I am filled with relief to see these changes beginning to take hold, while simultaneously feeling such sadness at the fact that it has taken so many deaths, and so much violence towards People of Color, for us to rally to this cause.

So where do we go from here? How do we begin to help the healing process? How do we make amends for the many, many injustices? Well, when someone has been hurt or experienced pain, one of the first things we teach small children is how to apologize and help make it better, so maybe we should go back to basics and look at the power of words in the healing process, cuz we gotta start somewhere. Doing nothing is no longer an option.

The Power of An Apology:

Believe it or not, there is a right way to apologize and sadly, not many people seem to know how to do it. Saying “I'm sorry” is only a tiny, itty-bitty component of an apology but misses some of the most critical components. And let’s face it, those two words without the accompanying elements (including actions) mean jack by themselves, so let’s break it down.

1. Say what you are sorry for - This is your opportunity to share how you are feeling and why you are sorry. This stage of an apology is all about expressing remorse and demonstrating empathy and an understanding and acknowledgement of the other person’s feelings. (For example: “I know it doesn’t even come close to being enough but I just want to say that, I am so sorry. I am so sorry for the many years of oppression, for the violence, racism, xenophobia, societal oppression, and hatred perpetrated against you and other People of Color. I cannot imagine living in fear for myself and my loved ones day in and day out from a system that is supposed to be there to protect you . I cannot imagine being hated, rejected, passed over, violated, or killed because of the color of my skin. I am so sorry for all the grief you experience every day that you hear of another Person of Color being assaulted, wrongfully convicted/arrested, or killed.”)
2. Take personal responsibility - This means acknowledging to yourself and the person(s) you are apologizing to, how your actions or inactions have contributed to the issue and let me tell you, this part is a tough pill to swallow and is one of the most often missed elements of an apology. It may be tough to say what you’re sorry for, but having to take a look in the mirror and really explore what you did or didn’t do that led to causing someone else pain, misery, or some other negative consequence is NOT easy. Expressing remorse is valuable but not enough on it’s own. Being clear about your part demonstrates that you understand the issue from the other person(s) perspective and have reflected on your part in the process/incident and feel remorse for it. (For example: “I am sorry that I personally have not done more to fight this battle with you; that I have sat passively on the sidelines knowing that this has been going on, and that it has taken me so long to add my voice to yours in fighting for justice and change.” )
3. Do what you can to make it better - This means putting your words into action and is the most critical piece of the apology. In Positive Psychology this concept is called “restorative justice” and at its heart is building empathy by asking yourself, what can I do to repair things? What can I do to help heal the hurt I have caused? What can I do to help pick up the pieces, build trust, rebuild this relationship? With the Black Lives Matter movement, it is an entire population, so reparations can and should be more involved and ongoing. (For example: “I promise to use my privilege and power to amplify your voice and will no longer stay silent. I will stand up to prejudice when I encounter it and will do what I can to fight to make changes in the systems I encounter to empower People of Color, and to protect and fight for those that cannot fight for themselves. I will make my voice heard in the election and vote for politicians that fight for social justice and will be an ally in this cause, and I will support local businesses of People of Color as often as I can. I will continue to learn, grow, and explore my own privilege so I can more fully understand how I impact the People of Color I come into contact with, work with, and know. I will do my best to acknowledge my privilege and create safety in my work as a therapist, provide better support, and hold space for the grief and pain my ignorance and inaction has caused. I will do better, and I am deeply sorry.”)

Remember That Healing Takes Time :

These wounds and violent abuses of power we are seeing against People of Color are nothing new; they have been festering for centuries, and we have all been complacent in allowing it. It took a pandemic and the dismantling of our life and country as we knew it to set the stage for us to get ‘woke’ to these atrocities that have been going on right under our noses. It’s also important to realize and acknowledge that although we are seeing positive changes as efforts are being made in cities across the US, true healing and meaningful changes will take time because at the heart of these issues are years of systematic racism, xenophobia, anger, fear, ignorance and hundreds of thousands of minorities and People of Color who have faced generations of being oppressed, abused, assaulted, and killed- a few apologies, several days of protests, hashtags, and a few cities making changes isn’t going to be enough to undo the trauma that has been perpetuated. This is just the beginning of the fight; these are just the first steps. This is the beginning of the battle yet to come, but at least we are moving towards healing and towards a future where diversity is celebrated and cherished, and where liberty and justice truly are for all.

“You may not always have a comfortable life and you will not always be able to solve all of the world's problems at once but don't ever underestimate the importance you can have because history has shown us that courage can be contagious and hope can take on a life of its own.” - Michelle Obama

Written By: Kacey Wehr, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist & Mental Health & Wellness Specialist.

Being happy doesn’t mean everything is perfect. It means that you have decided to look beyond the imperfections. - Unknown Author

Recognizing The Different Faces of Perfectionism

There’s nothing wrong with having high standards. In fact, having high standards typically means you get the best out of yourself and others, which lets face it, can be great! People who set the bar high for themselves typically have a good work ethic, are hard workers, and are usually able to achieve their goals, which are all good things. Being perfectionistic, however, can work against you when your high standards are unrealistic, inflexible, unpractical, or unachievable, and let’s face it, we are all guilty of this at least some of the time. Surprisingly, or if not surprising, then at the very least, interestingly, there are two (yes, two!) different forms of perfectionism! Best selling author, Harvord lecturer, and expert in positive psychology, Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar, explores these two types of perfectionism and has coined them: (1) Adaptive Perfectionism, and (2) Maladaptive Perfectionism. Most of us tend to have elements of both, but tend to fall more in one category than another. For those that fall into the “Maladaptive Perfectionism” category, this is where things tend to get sticky and problematic, so let’s dive deeper into them both, shall we?

Adaptive Perfectionism:

According to Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar, Adaptive Perfectionism is at the healthy end of the perfectionistic spectrum. People that fall within within this category work to develop their skills and themselves. These people approach work/tasks/challenges with optimism, pleasure and a desire to improve themselves. These individuals are confident in themselves and their abilities and are not afraid to take risks because from this place of confidence, and they understand that mistakes and failures are opportunities to learn and grow. They do not derive their sense of value from their accomplishments or achievements, but find value in the process. I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel like I function from this side of the spectrum as often as I would like. Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely areas of my life where I am in my element and function closer to this side of healthy confidence and ‘adaptive perfectionism’, but more often I find myself leaning more towards the middle or the opposite end of the perfectionism scale. So what does the good Dr. T have to say about that?

Maladaptive Perfectionism:

Individuals functioning with this form of perfectionism are often dissatisfied with what they achieve, and seldom feel it (or they) is “good enough”. These people (yes, that includes me) experience fear of failure, self doubt, are often critical of themselves and others, and in extremes can experience symptoms of anxiety and depression. These individuals see mistakes as unacceptable and believe that others will view them as incompetent (seriously, one of my biggest fears). They do not handle criticism or feedback well as this feeds into the belief that they are “not good enough”(ugghh!), and hold themselves and others to extremely high standards which can lead to difficulties maintaining relationships both personally and professionally. Well, if that isn’t a hard pill to swallow, I don’t know what is! Hard as it is to read this while keeping a mental checklist of all the ways you can relate to this description, the reality is that it is exhausting living with this kind of perfectionistic mentality because our motivation is fueled by anxiety and because our outcomes and performance are so closely tied to our feelings of self-worth and sense of self. Most of us fall somewhere in between these two Perfection Types and we’re not stationary on that line- it can move at different points in our life and in different settings/roles from day-to-day and moment-to-moment. Something that also helps to keep in mind is that there are things you can actively do to help push yourself closer to the more adaptive and healthy side of the spectrum, so buck up! All is not lost. There is hope for us yet. When your self-worth is on the line it is hard to put yourself out there and take risks. Two critical steps to overcoming perfectionism are: exploring your fears and challenging your thoughts / changing your self-talk. Let’s break these two components down and get nitty-gritty.

Tips & Strategies to Reduce Maladaptive Perfectionism:

• Exploring Your Fears: Some liken Perfectionism to having a “phobia” and in a lot of ways it is. People who have Maladaptive Perfectionism are afraid of failure, afraid of making mistakes, and afraid of being ‘imperfect’. So tackling these fears in a similar way as you would tackle a phobia makes a lot of sense. A technique used in working with phobias is called “exposure therapy” where the person is exposed to their feared object or situation repeatedly to desensitize them and reduce the anxiety they experience when thinking about or encountering this fear. If you are afraid of making mistakes, disappointing others, and/or being imperfect it can actually be helpful to intentionally expose yourself to these elements in different scenarios to help you face your fear and reduce your anxiety. Here are some examples to help you get an idea of how you can do this in your own life:

  • Show up for an appointment or something late (the movies, a get-together, to pick-up someone, etc)- the person expecting you may be disappointed but they will survive and, more importantly, so will you! (I know this one will be challenging as long as the stay-at-home order is in place but perhaps you can get creative with it in the meantime and pick it back up later as it was intended).
  • If you are a bit of a neat freak (and I say this with the utmost love, because I used to be a neat freak- everything in its place, a place for everything) leave a visible area in the house a little messy for at least 48 hours. You can do it!
  • Tell people “no” when you are invited to do something (even if it’s just an online Watch Party or Zoom Happy Hour) but you are too tired or don’t really feel like participating. This may seem more like a self-care or boundary setting issue but it is tied into perfectionism because there is the element of needing to keep up appearances, having a fear of being left out, of disappointing people, and of not wanting to be judged. Saying “no” for some people can be extremely anxiety provoking and kick off all sorts of negative self-talk. The goal here is to practice saying “no” and fighting those feelings and thoughts. You can do it!
  • Try an activity you have never done before or you have written off because you didn’t think you would be “good at it”. Some ideas are: painting, driving stick shift, playing a challenging game, singing karaoke- even if it’s just in your living room with family, learning a new language, learning to knit, take an online dance class, etc.
  • Tell someone how you are actually feeling when you are asked, “How are you today?” For example, “I’m actually feeling pretty tired lately because I have been having pandemic related dreams and waking up a lot- This one is especially important for those who view certain feelings/emotions as weak.
  • Let someone else take charge of a project/task that you normally do because you feel you are the “only one who knows how to do it the right way” (okay, so the dishes may get loaded differently) the point here is to allow others to help you and to recognize that there is more than one ‘right’ way to do the same task. Let go and trust that it will be okay.
  • Go out in public a little disheveled; wear an article of clothing with a visible stain; or don’t wash/shower first, don’t do your hair nicely; and/or don’t put on make-up...the point here for those of us that struggle to keep up appearances at all times, is to survive possible scrutiny and judgement and come through the experience knowing we are still okay. You don’t have to enjoy the exercise, but trying it just to work through the anxiety and negative thoughts is what this one is all about.

• Challenge Your Thoughts/Changing Your Self-Talk: When you find yourself thinking in black and white terms, also called ‘all or nothing thinking’, and/or having negative thoughts (for example: “I’m never going to be able to drive this big truck! I’m terrible at this and I’m just going to cause an accident!”- yes, this was something I struggled with recently.), replace it with a more realistic/accurate statement. (for example: “I may be struggling with this but I am trying something new, so it is normal to struggle. All I can do is my best, and that is okay. Better than not doing it at all, and if I have an accident, that is why we have insurance.”). It can also be helpful to put things in perspective and try to see the situation from an ‘outside’ view. For example, it can be helpful to ask yourself the following questions when you find yourself stuck:

  • Does this really matter?
  • What is the worst that can happen if it is not ‘perfect’? And can I survive it?
  • Will this matter tomorrow? Next week? Next year?
  • How might someone else view this situation (like a close friend or family member)? What would I tell them if they were struggling with the same thoughts or situation?

None of this will feel good initially, but stick it out! The key to this is to repeat this and continue to add to it- bonus points if you can come up with some of your own exposure exercises based on your particular areas of perfectionism. In time, you should notice that the more you do it, the less anxiety you feel and the more comfortable you become about not being perfect. Brene’ Brown said it best in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, “To overcome perfectionism, we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities to the universal experiences of shame, judgment, and blame; develop shame resilience; and practice self-compassion. When we become more loving and compassionate with ourselves and we begin to practice shame resilience, we can embrace our imperfections. It is the process of embracing our imperfections that we find our truest gifts: courage, compassion, and connection.”

For more on Adaptive and Maladaptive Perfectionism, check out The Pursuit of Perfect, by Tal Ben-Shahar or to hear more from the amazing Brene’ Brown check out her book, The Gifts of Imperfection. And don’t forget to enter for your chance to win a brand new Minuet Breastpump here (if not for you then perhaps for a mom-to-be you might know)! And if you want to get access to even more premium content you can become a M.O.M. Member and start reaping the rewards!

So until next time, enjoy your beautiful, wonderful, tiny bit sloppy, sometimes late, hardly ever wrong, infrequently not very good at, gonna try to be less of a work-a-holic, completely badass, imperfect self.

Written By: Kacey Wehr, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, and Mental Health & Wellness Specialist

Before we become mothers, we are born daughters. It is here, in this first relationship that we learned how to be the mother’s we are now, if not by example (since not everyone is lucky enough to have great role models), then through the process of elimination and the conscious decision that we are going to do things different from the way our mother raised us. I was fortunate to grow up with not just one mother, but two. When my birth mother had me, she was fresh out of high school, a struggling single mother, and still growing up herself, so her step-mother and father stepped up as my guardians. As a child, I struggled with feeling ‘different’ from friends and classmates who all seemed to have the nuclear family that I did not, but as I entered adulthood and began my education in Child Development and Psychology I gained a deeper love and appreciation for the sacrifices, dedication, and love I had received from our unique family configuration. It also taught me that there is more than one way to be a family and expanded my definition of motherhood and parenthood, which set the stage for me to step into my role as a mother to my step daughter when she entered my world fifteen years ago. So today, as we approach Mother’s Day, I want to explore what Motherhood means, because let’s face it, the road is not always easy or straightforward. It can be perilous, disappointing, inspiring, heart wrenching, exciting, nerve wracking, wonderful, guilt ridden, thrilling, gushing with love, tender, precious, and filled with equal amounts, grief and joy- it’s a down right rollercoaster! So to help me with this exploration, I have asked some of the incredible women and mother’s I know to share their experiences, thoughts, and feelings on what it means to be a mother…

“Motherhood is the highest, and most important responsibility I could ever have. I get to love and influence 3 other lives and make them even better than what I received as a child. I get to use my natural, nurturing feminine to love on 3 other little beings, which fills my cup and theirs at the same time. Being an entrepreneur I get to teach my girls that they do not need to walk through life blindly nor do they need to follow the crowds if they so choose: they can listen to the inner callings of their hearts and allow that to lead them in the direction they need to go that is in the highest good for themselves, society, and the planet. This does not always mean butterflies: Perseverance is needed, especially when things get tough (which they undoubtedly will) but we can work through anything if we put our minds to it. I get to teach them all of this and so much more, and that only scratches the surface of the gem of motherhood.” - Cassandra Curtis

“I always knew deep down I would be a mother long before I became one. My husband and I tried to conceive for six years. Those six long years changed who I was as a person and how I look at motherhood. As time passed, I became painfully aware of every pregnant woman I encountered. It seemed like everyone else was getting their happily ever afters, and ours would never come. After endless tests, being told by your doctor that you have "unexplained infertility" was the worst news of all. I couldn’t have known it back then… But it’s part of my story and while I struggle with feeling grateful for it, I realize now how much better it’s made me—stronger, more patient, more loving, more empathetic. Infertility has shaped me into a person I never knew I could be. Struggling through years of unexplained infertility made me have such a deep appreciation for our daughter and how blessed I am to become a mother. I don't think for a minute that I would cherish motherhood the way that I do now if I hadn't gone through infertility. I know what it feels like and the sadness I felt too long for a child for such an extended period of time and to believe that we may never get the chance to have a child of our own. One thing I knew for sure was that when we finally had a child, we were going to love her more deeply than we ever could have imagined. My journey to becoming a mother has given me an appreciation for life, and all the good that can come from the darkest moments. Motherhood is truly a remarkable gift and a privilege that I hold very close to my heart.” - Danielle Sturm

For me, it is either very simple or impossible to break down my thoughts on motherhood. I live hard. I have always lived hard- with a drive and a set of standards that are impossible to achieve and ever-escalating. I never wanted kids because I didn’t want them to experience the same chasing demons and because I didn’t want any excuses for not doing more, harder, faster. All I can say is that mothering has elevated my standards, the need for optimal human output, and quality of who I am as a person to a degree I never imagined possible. My girls are my sun, my nourishment, and the richness that has nurtured my existence. I couldn’t be more grateful for the beautiful, endless, messy and unforgiving grind of motherhood.” - Heather Hawkes

“What does motherhood mean to me? As simple as the question may seem it is something very hard to answer with everything currently going on. If I'm honest the 1st thing that comes to mind is all the sacrifices that I am making during this hard time. Motherhood is unconditional love. Being a mother is the reason I'm loved on my bad days just as much as I am on my good days. Motherhood is thinking you can't accomplish something that just seems impossible, and one glimpse of that being you created and you push harder than ever before. Motherhood is allowing your children to teach you each and every day. Learn their way of loving one another despite their differences. Learning their drive to accomplish things no matter how many times they fail. Motherhood is also, most days, drinking a large amount of coffee in order to keep up with your children. Motherhood never ends. Motherhood is being their safe place, always. Motherhood is allowing your children to have bad days, and just be there for them- let them show their emotions and not hide them. Motherhood is a privilege, and an irreplaceable feeling .” - Kristina Medlyn

“Motherhood... it was a word that kept eluding me for years. You see, I am a Lupus Nephritis patient and at the time I was diagnosed I was in the prime of my childbearing years. 26. When you're that young with such a devastating diagnosis there are two things that come to mind: first, I'm gonna die; second, there's no way! So you do this little dance between those beliefs for some time until one day you wake up, you're 30 years old and you get the news that 'if you don't start chemotherapy immediately you WILL die'. I knew what that meant for my dreams of motherhood, it might never happen. The part that I was not ready for was when after six months of treatment I was told that 'treatment didn't work'. I needed a kidney transplant or... you guessed it, I would die... again. And so there I was again, my life spared, but my dreams shattered. However, I'm one stubborn lady and I wasn't going to be told (even though I was, twice) that I couldn't become a mother. After years and years of treatment and surgeries, all resulting from complications from my kidney transplant, I got a call from my nephrologist, one I never expected. I had been in his office to check on my transplanted kidney, routine testing, and he had asked me when was my period. That was not a routine question, but he asked because the previous time I was in his office I had told him I wanted a hysterectomy. He was shocked to hear me say that and I said I was tired of painful periods that were useless since I would never be a mom. He referred me to a great OBGYN to discuss this and on our next appointment asked how things had gone and when I had had my last period. Then it hit me, I was two weeks late. But I wasn't even remotely thinking of a pregnancy. I had been late before and every time it ended with me sobbing after bleeding, so when I got the call from my doctor I literally dropped on my knees, threw the phone and cried. My boyfriend, bless his heart, came in running and panicked and asked me what happened, but I couldn't talk. The words wouldn't come out of my mouth. Then he opened his eyes and said it, 'you're pregnant!' and that was it. Now please don't be fooled by this story. I had a very difficult pregnancy, almost lost my baby and had to be put on bed rest at 23 weeks. My daughter Ananda Maya was born premature at 30 weeks, weighing only 3 pounds, 2 ounces. She was my little miracle, my little warrior, my ‘perfect’ child (lol). There is nothing perfect about my child, or me, or motherhood. It is messy, it is painful, it is completely unpredictable. It is also the best and most meaningful journey of my life and for that I am incredibly grateful.” - Jomally Fernandez

“Motherhood is a gift; a vocation; a grand journey. As a Mom I felt a great responsibility to protect my child from all that could harm them while still exposing them to all the beauty and possibilities I knew they would encounter. I wanted her to know and experience those ideas and beliefs that I hold most dear. Anything that had enriched my life, I wanted to give to her. My faith was the most important thing that I wanted to pass on. I loved being out in nature, animals, art and music. I loved baking and being creative. I loved reading and learning new things. I wanted to wrap all these things and so much more in a bow and hand them to her. I also wanted to give her a good work ethic. I wanted her to understand personal responsibility. I wanted to give her wisdom. There is so much I wanted to give her and yet, I was still afraid for all the pitfalls that every person must face. I wanted to protect her and hold on, without suffocating the amazing person she was created to be. I found the balance between holding on and letting go agonizing. What I learned is that every day I had to loosen my grasp just a little bit more. I had to let go while still holding my arms wide open for the moment she might need to run back to me. And always, after running back, she would set off again, wiser and more mature. “ -Becky Forrest

So as we ponder these things and more, about the journey that is motherhood, parenthood, and womanhood and ready ourselves to celebrate Mother’s Day this weekend, let’s remember to honor all that this encompases - the single mothers, the step-mothers, the guardians, the grandmothers, the godmothers, the infirtile, the mother’s who mourn the loss of a child/children, the foster mothers, the trans mothers, the fur baby mothers, the adoptive mothers, the surrogates, the IVF moms, the single dads who have to take on mom duty and dad duty, and all the women out there who chose not or are unable to be a ‘mother’ and instead nurture in other ways that make the world a better place. If we could sum up the beautiful messages about what motherhood means it would be this: it’s messy, it’s a miracle, it’s a gift and vocation, it’s painful, it seldom works out the way you imagine it will, it makes us grow, it changes us, it presents opportunities to heal, to teach, to share the best of us and our lives, it takes more than we thought we could give, it is a blessing and a hot mess, and there is nothing like it. I want to give a special thank you to all the mothers who shared their story and contributed to this article. You are incredible and such an inspiration. Happy Mother’s Day from me and from Moms On Maternity!

Written By: Kacey Wehr, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist & Mental Health & Wellness Specialist.

“It’s only after you’ve stepped outside your comfort zone that you begin to change, grow, and transform.” ― Roy T. Bennett

There are moments and events that are so big and so disruptive, that in true Fresh Prince fashion, they come in and our “life gets flipped, turned upside down”- this is one of those moments. Some disruptions are positive and feel good as they come in and change our lives, like when I got married, or when I passed my licensing exam and officially became a therapist. Others are more difficult and painful in their disruption, like when my chronic pain and health issues left me practically bed bound for almost two years. And others still are more complex in their disruption because they are a bittersweet mix of both joy and sorrow; positive and difficult; beneficial and challenging- like when I decided to give up my fertility and have a total hysterectomy in order to give myself a shot at a less painful life. It meant giving up having a biological child of my own, but it enabled me to get out of bed and pursue our dream of traveling the world (which we did for the last two years). I think this pandemic is one of those events- our lives are currently flipped, turned upside down, and after this, things will never be the same. But do you know what? It’s okay.

What I have learned about these double edged, earth shattering shifts is that even in the unpleasant wake of destroying our previous way of life, they make room for new ways of existing, new growth, and a new way of being that we may never have imagined possible. It doesn’t mean you have to enjoy the process or ignore how uncomfortable or painful the shattering part is. In fact, honoring that part of the process and feeling those feelings is super important. Change and growth are uncomfortable bedfellows, and there is a reason they call them, “growing pains”. It’s because it sucks and it hurts like a bitch. So where does that leave us as so many of us lay here, shattered, broken, hanging by a thread, wondering where this upheaval is going to leave us and our futures? What are we supposed to do now? Well, fortunately, this is not my first earth shattering rodeo so I have some tricks up my sleeve that may help us get through this, if not better, then at least on the road to recovery. And let’s face it, sometimes, that has got to be good enough.

Surviving & Thriving Tips:

Process Those Feelings: This is an easy phrase to just throw out and I know there are so many articles and resources out there on this particular topic but I want to share with you what it actually means (in plain English) and give you some ideas on the various ways you can dig through and deal with those emotions. Firstly, what we mean when we say “processing your feelings/emotions” is two-fold: (1) identifying the emotions that are coming up; and (2) deal with them in a healthy way. I honestly don’t know which is harder but they are both easier said than done. Think of your emotions as a sounding board for your needs- very similar, in fact, to our bodily functions and the cues they give us when they need to be dealt with, like feeling uncomfortable when your bladder is full, or your tummy growling when we are hungry. Our emotions are our bodies cues/communication when we are either meeting a need, like feeling joyful when we are hanging out with friends, or not meeting a need, such as feeling irritated when we are not being appreciated, or angry when we have been ignored/disrespected. In order to deal with these emotions that come up we have to first be able to identify them and then determine what they are attempting to communicate to us about our needs. True, we sometimes just experience emotions that don’t seem to be attached to anything in particular or aren’t signalling anything specific, other than needing to be expressed, but most of the time, there is a source so try to identify what that source could be. Check-in with yourself about your needs (met and unmet as these are most often the source of those challenging emotions like hurt, sadness, anger, frustration, irritation, joy, contentedness, calm, anxiousness, and happiness) and then once you have identified the emotion(s) you are feeling and why you are feeling them, then you can do something about it. I don’t know if you have ever noticed this, but once I identify my emotions and figure out what they are communicating to me, they seem to have less power over me and I am less at their whim. Although I will share my go-to’s for processing emotions, I highly recommend you add to this list and make it your own:

• Journaling - which is a great way to just get your thoughts and feelings out of your head and down onto paper. This is your safe space to just put it all out there.
• Move Your Body - Our emotions are stored in our bodies (especially those difficult oneslike anxiety, frustration, worry, anger, hurt, etc) and when they go unaddressed for too long, they start to communicate louder and in physical ways in the form of muscle tension, intestinal distress, sleep disturbances, headaches, decreased immune function, lower labido, fatigue, and other fun issues. Moving your body in healthy ways can help the body release endorphins and other hormones and natural “feel good” chemicals. Moving your body also helps release and ease muscle tension and improves brain and body functioning. It can also improve the quality of your sleep which is critical to health and wellness.
• Get Your Need(s) Met - If you have identified a feeling and have traced in back to an unmet need, or personal boundary violation ask yourself what you can do to get that need met and/or what you need to do to address the violation. This may mean sitting down with someone and letting them know that your feelings got hurt; your trust violated; or possibly that you need some more quality time to connect. Whatever it is, it is important that you do what you can to communicate your needs clearly, non-confrontationally, and as openly and honestly as possible. For example, if you are angry because you feel you need more help with the household responsibilities, you could sit down with them and share that you have been feeling overwhelmed lately and would appreciate it if they could help with the dishes for at least one meal a day. The other person may choose not to make amends or meet your needs but at least you will have done what you can to address it and can then put your energy towards other issues and/or finding ways to get those needs met in other ways.
• Use A Creative Outlet - There is something so healing and magical about the creative and expressive arts, and the name tells you everything you need to know right there. They are expressive arts because they not only trigger emotions, they help you process them. So whatever your particular penchant is, do it! Draw, paint, bead, sing, dance, color, write, collage, just do something and do it often!

Self-Care Is Your New Best Friend: I am not going to go into too much detail here since I already did an entire article on this one (which you can check out here ), but suffice it to say that in order to have the space to acknowledge your feelings, identify your needs, and process your emotions, you have to give yourself permission to take care of yourself. Self care isn’t an indulgence, it is a necessity if you want to maintain health and wellness.

Utilize Your Support Systems or Get One: For those of us lucky enough to have an incredible support system of safe and supportive family and friends, we know how truly blessed and fortunate we are. To have a person or persons we know are there if we need a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, a non judgemental person we can open up to, someone we can call day or night and they would be there no matter what. It is a rare and beautiful thing, and for many, it doesn’t exist. For those that have it, use it- call when you are down, ask to get together when you are lonely, vent to them when you are overwhelmed or frustrated, text when you need a reminder that they are still there for you and love you. Don’t worry that you are a bother, or an annoyance, or that you are going to scare people away by being vulnerable or expressing your needs. Let them support you when you need it. Let your loved ones be there for you, as you would be for them. For those that don’t have that support system, find ways to build one- join hobby groups (one of my biggest support systems is with my old Vocal Ensemble Group! I’m not even in the group any more but we are all still connected on Facebook and they are amazing!); join online support forums. There are so many out there if you look- Facebook has a group for pretty much every type of support you might need so you might start there. The quality of the groups differs based on the moderators and participants but I participate in several that are great. Another option if you are religious is to talk to a religious leader- a Pastor, Priest, Rabbi, Apostle, Elder, Preacher, Yogi, etc. Where these supports have not been able to provide the support needed or you're just wanting to dig a little deeper, a professional therapist or counselor is always an option. For a list of all video and telehealth mental health providers listed by State, check out Pandemic Therapists.

Make Space for a Metanoia Experience: The concept of metanoia is one I was introduced to in my Undergraduate Studies in a Systems Theory class and is one I have never forgotten. “Metanoia” means “a transformative change of heart” and in my class it was used by author Peter Senge, in his book, The Fifth Discipline (2006) and was used to describe a “fundamental shift of mind/thought”. This concept has stuck with me over the years and feel particularly relevant right now as we stand on the brink of a new world. Right now we have a unique opportunity to shift the way we see ourselves in our personal lives, as fellow humans, and as stewards of our Earth. Things are changing right now and I know for me, times of great upheaval provide a perfect opportunity to re-evaluate my beliefs, my values, my priorities, my personal and professional goals, and even my life path. For some, this whole pandemic experience will be nothing but a blip in their memory bank- a short lived (well, somewhat) annoyance that once it sorts itself out, they will return to exactly the same life they were living before all of this went down. But for some of us, for those that are open to the possibility of change and who see obstacles as personal growth opportunities, and are viewing this experience as the beginning of something new for our lives, this is a metanoia experience- a time for reflecting on what we want our life to look like after all of this, and are willing to make changes to experience our lives and relationships in new and more meaningful ways. Neither option is necessarily better or worse- for those that were happy and content with their lives before COVID, getting that back, or at least, something like it, makes perfect sense. For others, the idea of building on and expanding their previous life and redefining it may have more appeal. And for others still, they may just be in survival mode right now which is also completely fine. Sometimes it is hard to have ah-ha moments or even get a chance to reflect on what is happening when you’re in the midst of it. I guess the important thing to ask yourself is, “what do I want my life to look like after all of this?” “Are there changes I/we have made during this time that I want to continue?” “Are there issues that came to light about the way we have been living that I want to do differently moving forward?” “Are there things I have learned about myself in this process that I want to work on, continue, improve, keep, change, or nurture?” “Are there dynamics within my relationship(s) and/or parenting that benefited from this experience or got worse?” Regardless of where you are at, one thing is for sure- nothing will ever be the same again, and that is okay.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ― Rumi

Written By: Kacey Wehr, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist & Mental Health & Wellness Specialist.

Over the last several weeks I have heard it joked about that this time of quarantining is going to result in a lot of baby making and/or a lot of divorces and while I am all for increased sexy time I am hoping to help people avoid the latter. Having spent the last twenty-seven months with my husband (24/7) as we traveled the globe, I want to pass along some of the things I learned about being a good partner and how to avoid needing a divorce lawyer or killing each other. Since this is Part 2 of this article let’s just review the tips from last week before we move on to the new stuff:

• Learn to let go - That means no grudge holding or keeping tally of good or bad behavior and pick your battles wisely .
• Repair rifts - This means quickly acknowledging when rifts occur and our part in causing the rift, asking for forgiveness, and then snuggles/hugs/kisses given and forgiveness can commence. When you are together 24/7 holding grudges or stewing on past hurts and/or wrong doings will drive everyone mad.
• Turn towards each other - Refers to the behavior of responding to your partner’s need to connect in some way. We all have needs to connect- we want to feel heard, understood, needed, cared for, thought of, adored, desired- so this is all about learning to recognize your partner’s bids for attention and connection and responding to those (check out Part 1 for some ideas on how to increase those connections) as well as how to create those opportunities and initiate deeper connection.

Okay, and now that we are all caught up, let’s build on these with some new ones!

More Tips For Keeping the Love Alive:

• Be grateful & express your gratitude - Gratitude is so important in a relationship and an element I think gets minimized or forgotten in the humdrum of daily life. Because we know we deserve to be loved, cared for, supported, and nurtured we come to expect it and stop acknowledging the efforts of those around us (especially our significant other). Gratitude as a daily practice in a relationship means you are staying mindfully attuned to all the ways your loved one(s) are showing their love and support and are openly acknowledging them for it. This means thanking whoever made or prepared our meals that day (after more than thirteen years of marriage we still thank whoever prepared the meal we are eating); acknowledging any thoughtful gestures someone may have done for the other (like making my husband a cup of tea while he does his morning work meeting; or me thanking my husband for opening my car door, which he always does); appreciating each other for any contributions and help with household tasks/chores; calling our partner’s out (in a good way) when they help with child care or rescue us when we are obviously in over our head or need a break; and thanking each other for all the other various ways we are loving and supporting each other day by day. It helps us feel seen, loved, appreciated and our efforts acknowledged, which can be a big deal the longer you are together. The last thing you want in a relationship is to begin to feel unappreciated and like your efforts and the ways you are trying to care and show your love are expected and even worse, unnoticed. If daily mutual gratitude isn’t something you and your partner currently do but would like to start doing, chat about it during a meal together or some other time when no one is distracted and let your partner know that you would like both of you to start practicing gratitude throughout the day. You can even start by thinking about something you appreciate your partner doing that day and acknowledge it outloud and ask that they do the same. Start small and the next day, try to begin doing it as it is happening (for example: yesterday my feet were hurting quite a lot and I had just gotten tucked into bed with a heating pad to take a break when I realized I hadn’t refilled my water bottle. When my husband popped into the room to grab something I asked if he could please refill my water bottle for me, which he did. When he returned with it, I gave him a kiss and told him I appreciated him doing that for me even though I know he is busy with work stuff.) Gratitude in a relationship is not a noun, it is a verb.
• Take ‘you time’ when you need it - Although this may sound counterintuitive to maintaining connection and a healthy relationship with your partner, the reality is that we cannot bring the best we have to offer to our loved ones if we are not first taking care of ourselves and our own needs. You may be thinking that this sounds obvious when put like that, but the reality is that this particular topic is one of the tougher ones to practice (especially for us ladies and even more so for those that have little ones to care for). When I first became a step-mom and wife it felt like my world suddenly and abruptly spun out of orbit- all of a sudden, my life wasn’t just about me. I had these two other people who needed me- my time, my love, my attention, my thoughtfulness, my effort, my presence, my everything. Suddenly, not even my thoughts could be my own- I had to think about these two and how everything I did or didn’t do now impacted them too. It was equal parts overwhelming, terrifying, anxiety provoking, and wonderful. I went into wonder-woman mode trying to ‘do it all’ and be what I imagined a perfect wife and mother to be, but between that and trying to go to school and work I kept crashing and burning. Literally. I kept getting sick because I was running myself ragged. We later learned that I had numerous health issues which were exacerbated by these unrealistic expectations I put on myself and I had to learn quickly how to pace myself better- how to say “no” to offers that spread me to thin; how to let my daughter figure some things out for herself, be bored, and even let her just be dissapointed (which sucks when it’s directed at me but I learned as a parent was super critical to her building resilience and build her own skills); how to delegate and share household chores/responsibilities; and how to, you guessed it, take me time. Me time is just another way of saying “Self-Care”, so if you need some pointers on that topic, check out my previous blog for more on that.

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it be rather a moving sea between the shores of your souls.” – Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

• Make time to reconnect with your partner every day - Do you remember the days when you were first dating your partner? How fun that was- how much you looked forward to seeing each other, to the flirtatious texts and calls, and how you looked at each other (like they were the bees knees- wait! Do bees even have knees? And if they do, are they super sexy or what?!)? Do you remember when those feelings and that energy with which you first pursued each other began to fade or even stop all together? I don’t, and do you know why? Because we never stopped pursuing each other. We knew (and had discussed) that if we were going to make it as a couple and a blended family, that we would need to make our relationship to each other, a priority. This meant that we continued to date each other and found ways to reconnect despite how busy our lives got between my college courses, work, parenting, and my husband’s start ups and hobbies. No matter what, we made time to reconnect- sending flirty texts or messages to each other just to let the other know they were loved or thought of; flirty patts on the butt while getting ready in the morning; thoughtful notes or silly cartoons slipped into books or planners; meeting up for lunch during a busy work day; and regular date-nights were a regular occurrence, and that’s great, but if we’re stuck together in the house 24/7 how does any of this help, you might be wondering. Honestly, it matters even more right now. When you see each other all the time, or in this instance, are stuck together 24/7 it’s important to keep the ‘dating goggles’ (as I will call them) on. This means, mindfully seeing your partner as the best version of themselves (the way you did when you were dating) and making that extra effort to reconnect as a couple (not just as hostages stuck together). This means planning at home date nights (whatever that looks like for you right now) at least once a week if you can swing it, and daily quality time where you can just check-in with each other and connect as a couple. Do something enjoyable together every day- drink a cup of coffee while doing the crossword puzzle; make a meal together; play a game together; watch a movie; snuggle up and read together; drink a glass of wine and reminisce about the crazy things you did when you were dating; spend some time planning out a trip you want to do in the future (after all this craziness is over); put some sexy music on, light some candles, and have some adult play time; just do something everyday that moves you towards your old, dating selves where you put effort into yourselves and each other. You are worth it, and so is your relationship.

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” - Mignon McLaughlin

Written By: Kacey Wehr, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist & Mental Health & Wellness Specialist.

What is the longest consecutive time you have spent with your significant other?

Pre-pandemic I think most couples would say the longest they spent with their partner was a week or two while on vacation once or twice a year, which I think with the 9-5 grind and juggling family is pretty typical. For years when my husband and I first got married we were like two ships passing in the night- between me going to school and working, him working in various start-ups some of which required him to go out of town for business, and raising our daughter, it felt like we hardly ever got quality time alone together. On weekends we would try to reconnect and maybe do a date night here-and-there and then family time on Sundays but it never felt like enough. Does this sound familiar to any of you? I am guessing if not all of the details, then certainly the main part is pretty relatable. Busy life = not feeling like you’re getting that quality time together and wishing you could - but here’s where my story takes a significant detour and becomes completely unrelatable and rather fantastical!

After raising our daughter and helping her launch into adulthood I quit my job as a counselor, we sold and got rid of almost all of our possessions, left our friends, family, hobbies, everything and decided to spend two years traveling around the world. In our twenty-two months of traveling we visited twenty-seven countries and stayed in more than fifty cities all over the gobe! “Well that’s pretty awesome” you might be thinking, “but what does that have to do with the quarantine?”. More than you might think, actually.

We went from our normal life and routine where we saw each other a few hours a day (usually in the evening after a long day when we were both exhausted) to being each other's traveling pants 24/7 for two years straight (and counting) - that’s more than 17,520 hours together non-stop! In the last two years I have learned a lot about what it means to be a good partner, how to deal with constant change and transition, how to deal with grumpy days without taking it out on my partner, and how to honor my feelings and communicate my needs. It doesn’t mean we’re perfect all the time and we definitely still have bad days, but I want to share with you the things I learned that helped us not only keep our love alive while traveling together, but deepened our relationship even more.

“The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.” - Audrey Hepburn

Tips For Keeping the Love Alive:

• Learn to let go - Every time I see or hear this phrase the song from Frozen comes up for me and I get the urge to burst into song. But in all seriousness, learning to let go is a must if you want marital and/or partnered bliss. That means no grudge holding or keeping tally of good or bad behavior. It means picking your battles and picking them wisely - when you are already mentally and emotionally depleted or on edge it can be oh, so tempting to pick fights (if for no other reason than you want to vent out all those overflowing feelings and are extra irritable) but fight that urge and really step back and ask yourself, “is this something that really needs to be addressed and dealt with or can I just let it go?”. When you’re stuck together (pandemic style) this may mean taking a lot of deep breaths and just putting the toilet seat down yourself; or wiping up the messy kitchen counters after your partnered “helped do the dishes” but basically flooded the counters and floors with dirty dish water; or picking up your partner’s stinky, sweaty clothes off the floor and depositing them in the laundry basket adjacent their laundry pile; or letting the snide remarks go; or letting your partner help with bath time with the kids even if that means you’ll be mopping up the bathroom floor afterwards… Just, let it all go… Right now, during this stressful time we have to recognize that nit picking, picking fights, and bearing grudges or keeping tally of all the wrong-doings is going to help no one and will do more harm than anything. Just take lots of deep breaths and if it helps to sing the song (it does for me), do it- “let it go”...
• Repair rifts - In any relationship, rifts are bound to happen, especially when emotions are running high and when life is extra stressful. I know, for me, when we were traveling, there were just days when one or both of us woke up on the proverbial “wrong side of the bed” and it didn’t matter what either of us did or said. On those days, nothing was going to feel ‘right’ and I was likely to end up in tears and he was likely to end up sulking or irritated. What we learned pretty early on in our travels though was that we couldn’t let those rifts go without sorting them out. If someone’s feelings got hurt, or one of us felt wronged, unsupported, disrespected, or otherwise wounded in some way, we needed to personally identify what caused the rift, share how we were feeling and amends needed to be made as soon as possible. For us, that usually meant someone or both of us needed to acknowledge our part in causing the rift, ask for forgiveness, and then snuggles/hugs/kisses needed to be given and forgiveness could commence. When you are together 24/7 holding grudges or stewing on past hurts or wrong doings would drive us both mad- there was just no room for that. In order to be a good partner and traveling companion we had to heal and repair rifts quickly and then let them go and in a lock-down quarantine situation like the one we are in, the same holds true. And if you are just having a “bad day” and find yourself unreasonably irritated, emotional, fragile or whatever, let your partner know what's coming up for you and let them know what you need. (for example: “Honey, I am just super irritated today for some reason. If I snap at you, I am sorry, it’s not you, it’s me, and I may need some extra hugs and check-ins today because I am just having a bad one”).

“Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.” - Carroll Bryant

• Turn towards each other - This concept is based on the science and over 40 years experience of working with couples and conducting research by Dr. John Gottman. Although he shares many principles that are worth looking looking at, the concept of “turning towards” is one I think is particularly important, especially during a difficult time, like the one we are all currently experiencing. “Turning towards” refers to the behavior of responding to your partner’s need to connect in some way. This can be as simple as putting down your phone when your partner comes in the room and shares something about a conversation they just had with a colleague; or when you share something your child did while they were playing that day that made you laugh and your significant other asks laughs with you about it. It’s those small interactions where you feel heard, cared about, valued, engaged with, connected, desired, loved, cherished, and seen that make all the difference in the world. After 40 years of conducting research, Gottman says it’s not the grand gestures that determine the success of a relationship- it is all the little moments in between that matter. Here are a few ideas of things you can do to “turn towards” your partner and strengthen that bond during this difficult time (maybe see if you can come up with a few of you own too):

  • You see that your partner looks stressed. Let them know you’ve noticed, and ask them if they’d like to talk about how they are feeling. If not, just let them know you are there for them.
  • Compliment your partner about something they did (it can be anything!). Thank them for something they’ve recently done that you appreciate.
  • Your partner is back from an errand (maybe they did the grocery shopping or picked up some supplies to do a house project during quarantine) and is doing some housework now. Jump in and ask how you can help.
  • Your partner walks into the room where you are watching your favorite show and starts going off about a situation they are having to deal with with their boss- turn off the TV, give your partner your full attention, and reflect back how what you are hearing and validate their feelings. (for example: “That sounds like it would be so frustrating! I am so sorry you have to deal with that.”)
  • Can you think of your own?

“One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life. That word is love.” - Sophocles

Written By: Kacey Wehr, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist & Mental Health & Wellness Specialist.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” - Lao Tzu

At no other time in our nation’s history (at least not in my lifetime) have we been through such an upheaval. Every day brings new waves of fear, change, guidelines, expectations, illness (if not our own, then someone we know and love), and a new “normal”. We are a world in a perpetual state of transition right now. Just as you think you’ve adjusted and recalibrated, some new information comes to light and the proverbial rug gets pulled out from under you yet again. There is no doubt in anyone’s mind that we are living through an experience that is unprecedented and frankly, plain scary and weird. Between the toilet paper hoarding, the crazy grocery shopping sprees, the increased gun sales, the empty streets, the transition of so many jobs to ‘work from home’ positions, the closed down schools, shopping centers, public parks, bars, clubs, and coffee shops, the non-stop news and media coverage keeping the anxiety ramped up nice and high, and our completely understandable concerns for our vulnerable friends and family members, this is a very difficult time for us all. Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines “transition” as, “ (a.) passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another; or (b.) a movement, development, or evolution from one form, stage, or style to another” (n.a., 2020) and as individuals, as families, as workers, as parents, as a community, as a country we are all in a state of transition, so the question is, how do we masterfully come through this? How do we navigate these changes and adjust with the least amount of distress possible?

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.” - Eckhart Tolle

Stages of Transition:

According to Psychologist and author Tamar Chansky (Huffpost, 2012), there are three stages we all go through during a significant transition.

Stage 1: Resisting and Reacting- This stage is characterized by feelings of doubt and discomfort as you are actively objecting and negatively comparing your new situation to your old one. This stage is plagued by thoughts and comments like, “but that’s not how we used to do it!”, or “Things were way better before!”, and “This sucks!”. The problem at this stage is that you are not really objectively looking at the situation but are judging it, and things seldom look good from this perspective.

Stage 2: Adjusting and Exploring - During this stage, you are doing more than just reacting to your feelings. You are gathering information on how to make this work, making plans, choices and decisions, making new connections, asking questions and beginning to get your ‘sea legs’ so-to-speak. This means things are starting to feel less unstable, and ‘change’ is less threatening. You are more in control despite the changes that come up.

Stage 3: Living Well in Your ‘New’ World- Once you have made it to this stage, it doesn’t really feel like a stage any more. You’re accepting and incorporating the ‘new’ so much that it now feels like your new ‘normal’. Once you’ve arrived here, you have, in fact, ‘mastered’ transition like a boss!

But how do we get from Stage 1 to Stage 3?! I wish I could tell you that you just snap your fingers and can be completely content and comfortable with all things new and unfamiliar, but that is sadly, not how it works. According to Tamar Chansky (2012) there are, however, steps you can take to ease the transition and help you navigate those stages successfully.

Quarantine Approved Self-Care Ideas:

• Don’t expect to feel fantastic at first: Expect the opposite - The best way to cut down on your anguish is to not expect that you will have a seamless transition, but actually the opposite. If you expect discomfort it won’t hit you as hard as it would if you expected an easy/happy process. I know this sounds backwards (and it is!) but it really does work. If you can mentally prepare yourself by having a little pep-talk (like, “hey, today is going to be challenging, and that’s okay. Let’s just take it one hour/minute/step at a time.”) then it is less likely to sneak up on you and throw you for a total loop.
• Fast forward to the end (even if we don’t know when that will be) and put a timeframe on your adjustment period - How do you think things will really turn out in the end? Counter any anxious predictions/assumptions with as many facts as you can. Then give yourself a reasonable timeline to accomplish different aspects of the transition (For example: 1 weeks to come up with a new daily routine that incorporates the quarantine regulations; 2 weeks to get a new at-home work-out routine in place; 2 weeks to connect with other moms to set up a weekly online “Moms Happy Hour”; 4 weeks to find a therapist that provides Telehealth therapy; 1 month to make a list of do-able home projects I can be working on during the quarantine; etc.). I know this step is particularly difficult during this current Pandemic situation where so much is unknown and up in the air, but the recommendation holds true regardless. Do the best you can with the information you currently have and don’t let the unknowns be a reason not to move forward.
• Acknowledge what hasn’t changed - Especially during the current pandemic crisis when it feels like absolutely everything has changed (and like the whole world has turned on its axis!) it is important to put things in perspective and acknowledge that many things (or at least some things) about our lives and even our daily routine, have stayed pretty much (if not completely) the same. When we bring this realization to the foreground of our thoughts and acknowledge and call out those things that we do not need to adjust in our lives, it means we have more energy and mental bandwidth to face the things that have changed and demand our time and attention.
• Remember that you have mastered change before - Think back on all of the changes and transitions you have been through before (like becoming a parent for the first time!). How were you able to successfully get through them? It might help to write out some of the biggest transitions you have ever faced personally/as a parent/as a couple and identify some of the things you did that helped you get through it (For example: reaching out to friends and family when I needed extra help; clearly communicating my needs and limits; making time for self-care; having family meetings with my husband to discuss big issues and how we wanted to handle them so we were on the same page; making a check-list; keeping and using a calendar to keep track of things/events/activities/obligations; taking naps when I needed them; making time for loved ones; eating well and consistently; etc). All the experience and tools you have gained from your past experiences with change and transition are at your disposal now. Use them and trust that you will get through this too.

During this difficult time it is important to check in with yourself and ask, “how am I feeling about this transition”? If you are waiting to feel one hundred percent before you start to take these steps, chances are you won’t move at all. It is easy to get paralized with fear or let that anxiety around the unknown dictate our lives, but it is so important to not let it win. Motivation follows behavior, so the more you do, the more confident you will become. So do something. Anything. Start small and take it one step at a time and then build from there. Some of the best and most rewarding things in life come from times of change, transition, and great upheaval. Embrace it and see where it takes you.

“When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.” - Viktor E. Frankl

Written By: Kacey Wehr, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, and Mental Health & Wellness Specialist

What Self-Care Is:

We are living in uncertain and unsettling times. With daily presidential updates on all things pandemic, constant news reports, and an ever lengthening list of things we can’t do state-by-state and city-by-city, we are bombarded by constant reminders all around us of how vulnerable we all are and how our lives will likely be changed forever. Self-care is more important now, than ever before. What started as a therapeutic tool, later became the catchphrase of self-help gurus, bloggers, and stylized ‘wellness experts’ touting “self-care” as a reason to drink too much booze, shop for things no one needs, and make bad decisions that would later, likely be added to a list of regrets. As the term and concept of “self-care” gained popularity it was easy to just tune it out or stop considering what it truly meant, so today I am going to reintroduce you.

Self-care is about nurturing yourself; meeting your own needs; acknowledging your limits; and finding healthy ways to fill yourself back up when life, relationships, expectations, and responsibilities deplete you. Self-care is about helping to restore balance and connect you to the things, people and activities that bring you joy, that help you maintain your health and physical/emotional well-being, and that help you process and deal with strong emotions that inevitably come up during any given day, but especially when life has turned upside down. If you really want to break it down, self-care is very much like teaching a baby or small child how to self-sooth.

There is no ‘right way’ to experience self-care, nor any guidelines about how much self-care you need to be well because this can differ significantly from person to person or based on the level of stress a person is experiencing, or how much support they may have or not have. There are a dizzying amount of websites, magazine articles, blogs, posts, friends, family, etc that have suggestions for what you can do for self-care but ultimately you have to decide for yourself what you need or want at any given day or moment. You may already be doing daily self-care and not even realize it- getting a good night’s sleep, eating three meals a day, getting some exercise and/or physical activity, maintaining healthy relationships, going to see a therapist/mentor/spiritual advisor, and yes, even when you put your favorite song on and sing it at the top of your lungs after a long and stressful day of mommying- all of these are examples of self-care.

The key is to recognize when you are feeling depleted or emotionally imbalanced and choose what you want to do to fill yourself back up. The next step is to do it with awareness (also known as ‘mindfulness’)- knowing that you are doing it because you want to take care of yourself and your needs, and because it makes you feel good, then doing it with intention. You know you have done ‘self-care’ when you are left feeling better than when you started: less overwhelmed, less stressed/anxious, more happy and optimistic, more balanced, feeling better able to help and care for others, more capable of taking on your responsibilities, and/or ready to face the news and oncoming obstacles. If you are not feeling at least some of these things, you may need to increase your self-care and/or reduce the demands on your time and energy while you ‘recharge’. The consequences of continuing to spread yourself too thin without taking care of your own needs and recharging is burn-out which forces you to stop, slow down, and focus on yourself (via getting sick, injured, or just mentally and emotionally ‘shutting down’). Other signs of burn-out are: irritability, fatigue, over or under eating, digestive issues, headaches, muscle tension, and over-sensitivity. Part of maintaining a healthy body and mind during a difficult time is learning how to create balance in your daily life so you don’t have to run yourself ragged and only take time for yourself when you burn out and have to. This is not healthy and not sustainable. This is very much a real life “put your own oxygen mask on before helping others” situation and you have to make yourself a priority because no one else will.

What Self-Care Isn’t:

Although there are a lot of mixed messages about self-care in the media, self-care is NOT about splurging on yourself, over-indulgence or throwing all caution and rules to the wind (despite what popular culture and the media would have you believe). If it negatively impacts you, your health, your relationships, or your financial security then it is NOT self-care. Eating a sweet treat at the end of a long day is one thing but bingeing on an entire container of ice cream is another. Having a glass of wine at the end of the day can be nice and can be a form of self-care but getting wasted because “things are super stressful right now”, is not. Spending a week’s worth of grocery money on an online shopping spree, altering your mental and emotional state with substances, or using food to fill an emotional void are not self-care.

If what you are doing makes you feel bad about yourself, have regrets or have negative consequences as a result of how you are trying to decompress, manage stress, feel good, or treat yourself, then it is likely not self-care, and may in fact be unhealthy forms of coping and signal that it may be helpful to speak with a therapist or mental health professional. So the next time you want to do something for yourself and you want to know if it is self-care or not, ask yourself, “Am I going to regret this later?”, “How am I going to feel about myself and this decision tomorrow?”, “What are the possible consequences of doing this?”, and “Is this good for my body, my mind, and/or my spirit?”. Let your answers be your guide in helping you decide. If all else fails, check out a list of some of my favorites for myself and clients I have worked with:

Quarantine Approved Self-Care Ideas:

• Give yourself a manicure or pedicure (for added fun, pick a funky color you wouldn’t normally wear!)
• Use a planner or a calendar to intentionally schedule “me time.”
• In the morning, listen to music that inspires and motivates you and gets you pumped for your day.
• Write a list of things you’re grateful to have in your life and post it somewhere you can see it often. (With so much going on right now it is easy to focus on the negative, so remind yourself of the good stuff.)
• Go through your closet and purge the clothes you haven’t worn in years. Donate them to a charitable organization.
• Call/Facetime/Skype someone you love and catch up (we need to maintain those important connections right now especially if social distancing continues)
• Take a relaxing bath with some aromatherapy oils, epsom salts, or bubble bath
• Go on a walk and listen to your favorite podcast, book on tape, or music
• Get creative/crafty and don’t care about the results- sew, scrapbook, sketch, paint, arrange some flowers, write, make some jewelry, do some adult coloring, sculpt, etc.
• Make yourself something healthy and super delicious to eat and/or share (I swear by “Black Bean Brownies”)
• Read a book for fun (even if you only read few pages or chapter at a time)
• Write some positive affirmations on post-its and put them up where you will see them daily (Pinterest has some great prompts for these if you need a little Pinsperation)
• Put on your favorite karaoke songs and sing your heart out
• Do some gentle yoga at home (there are a ton of awesome yoga video links right here on the website, so check them out!)
• Meditate, pray or just sit quietly observing your thoughts and focusing on doing some slow deep breathing
• Watch an episode or two of your favorite show/sitcom and get some good laughs
• Take a nap (perhaps when your little one is napping)
• Pick something you have always wanted to learn but have always put off and take steps to start learning (e.g. a new language, how to play an instrument, how to draw/paint/sew, how to play kickball)
• Make a list of goals you have for yourself that you ‘never have time for’ or keep putting off and pick one to work on (e.g. running a marathon, baking a pie, hosting a game night, working on digitizing old family photos, singing in public, taking a dance class, learning to drive stick shift etc)
• Start an inspirational Pinterest board or make an inspirational collage and hang it somewhere you will see it often
• Rearrange a room in your house to try out a new feng shui
• Put on some music and dance like a total fool (this can be extra fun to do with you little one)!
• Say “no” when you need to (practice good boundaries and set limits with others when you need to)
• Make some soothing tea and just sip it and relax
• Sleep in at least one day a week- the world can wait (delegate the morning routine to another qualified family member so you can get a break)!

During these very difficult times, if you do find it might be helpful to speak to a mental health professional here is a link to a list of therapists who provide Telehealth (telephone based therapy) and Videotherapy (online video based therapy) by state (you must select a therapist based in the state you live in). We may be separated during this difficult time, but you are not alone. Take care of yourself.

About the Mom on the Move series: Our Moms on Maternity Community Storyteller Shannon Handy Grassi highlights Moms by sharing their expertise, tips, and encouraging words. The hope is to inspire others looking (and often struggling) to find a balance.

In this installment of Mom on the Move, we introduce you to Deanne Gustafson. She is Mom of two girls and a former television journalist turned business owner. She and her husband run Kombucha on Tap, a beverage distribution company.

Shannon: Hi Deanne, Please tell me about yourself....how many kids, ages, your path to being a mom?

Deanne: I have two little girls. A two-year-old and a six-month-old. I had two under two for about four months and that was intense. My path to being a mom has been somewhat traditional. Got married in my early 30’s and we started trying about 2 years after. I honestly thought getting pregnant would happen fast but it took us almost a year and half. I went to an acupuncturist who really helped! If that didn’t work, I was going to start the process for adopting. For our second daughter, we weren’t trying but we weren’t preventing. They are a year and a half apart. In an ideal world I would have spaced it out maybe six more months, but all good! I feel really blessed to be a mom!

Shannon: I understand you and your husband started a company....tell me about that. How are you able to find a balance between starting a company and being a mom?

Deanne: We started Kombucha On Tap when we were engaged. We saw a window of opportunity in the market and took it. That was six years ago. Our business is actually older than our marriage! Really it’s our first baby. Kombucha On Tap is a healthy beverage distribution company that delivers kegs of kombucha and cold brew coffee to businesses, offices and homes throughout Southern California. We have 10 employees, an office in Vista and one in LA. If you had told me 10 years ago I’d be a beverage distributor, I would have said you are crazy! I definitely couldn’t have predicted it.

The balance between being a mom, a boss and a wife is really hard! I actually took a big step back in our company around our second year of running it when I noticed it was affecting our marriage and stressing me out. Marriage and family will always come first. When I became a mom, I took an even bigger step back to be a stay at home mom who also works from home. I basically work after 7:30pm when the kids go to sleep, unless I’m totally burnt out and just need to netflix and chill. I’m very part time with career right now and more of a consulting role with our company after our second was born. My husband is the CEO and still works 60+ hours a week. I support him as best I can. I also jump on conference calls and stop by the office about once a week for a couple hours. My balance is tipped towards mom life. I’m in the thick of it and one day “balance” might be back but that day is not today.

I do have help. My toddler goes to daycare two days a week and my parents and in-laws help sometimes too. I don’t think you can balance it all. Trust me, I try! You just have to pick what your priority is going to be. For me, that priority is being able to be with my girls at home and I’m working on finding peace with intentionally slowing down work-wise.

Shannon: What’s the one piece of advice you wish someone gave you before becoming a mom?

Deanne: Oh man, only one piece of advice? Hmmm. No one told me you might have a child who fights diaper changes. I had no idea that would be a thing. Or that nursing hurts like hell with the first baby (at least it did for me). Or that you’ll oddly love sitting in traffic if you are driving alone. I did have a friend tell me you’ll hate your husband for a year…that might be the best mom advice anyone ever gave me. The other best advice is when you can’t get your baby to stop screaming in the carseat after trying everything, get on the freeway, crank up the music, throw your hair in a bun and roll down all the windows. It will either put the baby to sleep or at least drown out the cries.

But really, I think there isn’t anything I wish someone told me ahead of time. I think the beauty of being a mom is that you learn as you go. There is no manual. We are all just winging it. Some days are hard and some days are easier. I try to choose laughter or hugs as a reaction whenever possible. Show love, teach kindness, and take time for yourself. Also take a million pictures and videos, time does go fast and you’ll be glad you documenting it.

Shannon: What’s been your biggest struggle as a mom? What has helped you through it?

Deanne: My biggest struggle as a mom is probably losing a bit of my own identity to take on the mom identity. Pre-kids I did whatever I wanted on weekends…not so much anymore. What has really helped me is finding a mom community and mom friends. Whatever I’m struggling with, other moms are struggling with as well. Realizing it’s normal or that I’m not alone has been the biggest help. The support moms give each other is one of the coolest things I’ve ever witnessed. You really don’t understand that until you become a mom.

Shannon: How has befriending other moms helped you navigate being a parent? What resources have you turned to? (Moms on Maternity, etc.)

Deanne: Befriending other moms has been so needed in this journey. I’m lucky to have a few close friends who were already moms to help me navigate being a parent. Locally, I’m in the Fit4Mom stroller strides community in Carlsbad, I have mom friends at MyGym Carlsbad, I’m a contributor for San Diego Moms Blog and I just learned about Moms on Maternity and super excited to get more involved.

Thanks, Deanne!!!

Written By: Daphne Delvaux, The Mom Attorney

As an employment lawyer and a mother, I hear many stories about mom bias at work. Moms are denied promotions, lucrative clients, and bonuses, while non-pregnant employees with less seniority and worse performance are given all of these opportunities. Moms are given eye rolls when they ask to attend parent-teacher conferences or when they ask for a flexible work schedules. Moms are forced out of their jobs after they give notice of their pregnancy, or right before or after maternity leave. Moms are denied the maternity leave they’re entitled to because their bosses “only took six weeks off.” Moms are told, “That’s what you get for hiring women.” Moms are told, “Your upcoming leave is an inconvenience to the business.” Moms are told they are using the restroom “too often” when they experience morning sickness, or are sent to the restroom to pump.

But MomAttorney, isn’t this discrimination? Isn’t discrimination illegal? Why does it still happen? And what do we do when it happens to us? I’ll cover the answers to these questions in this article.

1. WHAT IS PREGNANCY DISCRIMINATION?

Under the law, a pregnant woman may not be treated differently or adversely on account of her pregnancy. Employers may not refuse to hire, select for training, promote, and may not terminate an employee because of pregnancy, breastfeeding, or pregnancy-related conditions.

An employer may not discriminate or retaliate against a parent for taking leave. An employer cannot use a woman taking maternity leave as a negative factor in decisions such as hiring, promotions or discipline.

An employer will rarely tell the mother that the reason for the different treatment is her pregnancy or maternity leave. It will usually be about “revenue problems” or “not meeting performance expectations.” That does not mean the bias isn’t there. The way to recognize discrimination is to look at how the employer will treat other non-pregnant workers. Are they treated better than you? Were you treated better before your gave notice of your pregnancy or need for maternity leave or accommodations? Are you suddenly reprimanded for things you did a long time ago or are you disciplined for things other employees do without repercussions? Is there a pattern of comments such as, “You better not leave us hanging,” or “Once you have that baby you probably won’t come back?” These are all signs of pregnancy discrimination. Be vigilant.

2. WHY DOES PREGNANCY DISCRIMINATION STILL HAPPEN?

Many people can’t fathom someone discriminating against a pregnant woman. After all, doesn’t everyone love babies? We were all babies once after all, though many seem to have forgotten. But it does happen. The motivation behind pregnancy discrimination is not in the fact that the woman is pregnant. Many of these bosses are parents themselves. Instead, the frustration lies with the upcoming absence, and the employer’s obligation to find replacements and coverage. There’s also frustration with having to give the woman back her job when she returns from leave, and the employer’s conflicting interests to ensure staffing continuity for their clients or customers. Often, the discrimination seeps in with the second or third pregnancy, as if the mother has exhausted her privileges. We call this “Second Baby Syndrome.” Yes, there’s a term for it because it happens so often.

Mom bias is based on a deep-rooted belief that it’s better to have employees without obligations at home. Many employers will treat workers who are 100% focused on work better than those with family obligations. There’s an assumption moms will no longer be devoted to the job after the baby is born. To preempt the mother leaving the workforce, the employer may intentionally or unintentionally create a situation where the mother feels unwelcome and unsupported, in an attempt to get her to leave the job. Sadly, many mothers do. But we shouldn’t have to.

3. HOW DO I AVOID THE “MOMMY TRACK”?

The “mommy track” is the track of less opportunities on the sole basis that you are a mother. When an exciting new project comes through the door, the mommy track prevents you from receiving this project because your employer is concerned you can’t attend late night meetings. When a selection is made of who will present a new product at an important conference, mommy track will prevent you from being picked because your employer assumes you cannot travel. Mommy track is the presumptuous belief that you are less interested in the job and no longer fully capable of performing at the same level as the other employees, and therefore less deserving of professional advancement.

As all moms know, this is a myth. In my experience, moms are very committed employees. They come in, get the work done, and go home without wasting anyone’s time. They can work under pressure, they are master organizers, and are used to chaos and stress. They are resilient. When they show up, it means they made a choice to leave their children so they could work, either for financial reasons or because their work is important to them. How is that for proof of loyalty?

The mommy track will not go away any time soon. But there are tools to stay off it:

Know Your Rights

If you feel like no one is helping you, you can take comfort in the fact that the law is on your side. When you know your rights, you will also know how to use them. Does this take confidence? Yes. Is it scary? Also yes. Mama, I know you’re worried about losing your job. But knowing your rights will give you courage and it will give you a roadmap.

Educate Your Employer

Do not assume your employer is giving you accurate information about your rights. These regulations are complicated and change every year. Many HR professionals are proficient in these regulations and know how to enforce them, but some don’t. Many HR professionals take their job of protecting the employees from abusive managers very seriously, but some will stay loyal to management regardless of their actions.

There are a lot of misconceptions about moms’ rights. In California, many moms are given less maternity leave than they are entitled to, because employers do not understand the rules about stacking leaves. Mothers working for employers with 5 to 19 employees are entitled to 4 months of maternity leave, but mothers working for employers with 20 or more employees can stack an additional 12 weeks on top of these 4 months if they are eligible (with up to 18 weeks of state benefits at 60-70% salary).

Upon return from leave, parents have to be immediately reinstated to the same or a comparable position. Mothers have to be provided a break to express breastmilk. If a mother needs an accommodation, the employer must grant it as long as it’s reasonable, not an undue burden, and the mother can still perform the essential functions. Reasonable requests are a chair, a temporary work-from-home arrangement, additional breaks or a finite extended leave of absence. Unreasonable requests are daily cookie deliveries by Ryan Gosling or a nap pod (If only…)

Remember that we are changing the status quo. This takes time. While it’s important to educate your employer on your rights, don’t assume your employer does not want to work with you to figure out any misunderstandings. The basis for any breakdown between the employer-employee relationship is this: women are afraid to ask for accommodations because they don’t want to get fired, the employers are afraid to give accommodations because they are afraid the mother will not return to work. Often, this will result in the mother leaving this job, even though she may have been able to stay if there would have been better communication.

Framing Your Request: Be Patient and Understanding

Don’t barge into your boss’s office saying, “I’m entitled to…” or “You owe me…” Framing is important: “I really enjoy working here and I have a few ideas to increase visibility for our company. As you may have seen, a lot of companies are creating family-friendly workplaces in an effort to retain talent and reduce turnover. I’ve created a ramp-up plan for parents returning from parental leave. Research shows that many parents are forced to leave their jobs in the first year of parenthood. This plan would be a temporary accommodation for new parents where they could perform part of the work from home. I propose we try it out for six months. If it doesn’t work, we can still return to the original policies of 100% on-site attendance. If it does work, I promise I will talk about your efforts to help parents in every professional network, and I will submit articles about the success of this plan to local business groups.”

You have to frame your request for accommodations in a way that it will benefit the employer. You also need to acknowledge your employer’s fear: “I understand you are worried that parents will take advantage of flexibility, but everyone will still be expected to perform their duties. We can set up meetings through zoom. We can do monthly in-person assessments of the workload.” Be creative!

Seek Allies

Try to find other parents who would benefit from your requests. It is always more likely for an employer to grant a collective request instead of an individual request. If you are the first mother, you have an opportunity to be a trailblazer and create new policies for all women. How amazing is that!

In Case of a Breakdown, Talk to Someone

Sometimes, a mother can do everything in her power to keep both her boss and her baby happy, but she still ends up without a job. As a mother myself, these stories make me thunder with injustice. Being forced out of a job when a woman is pregnant or just had a baby is scary. While she should be enjoying her new baby she is laying awake worrying about bills and healthcare. The stress can cause depression and anxiety in an already demanding time period. Right when she’s at her most vulnerable, she now has to worry about finding a job or fighting for her job. Many moms tell me they still mourn that the difficulties with their employers tainted their bonding time with her newborn baby.

In my opinion, discriminating against pregnant women or new moms is an emotional robbery of a stress-free maternity leave. This is a sacred time. We have a collective responsibility to welcome new babies into this world by making sure mom feels safe and secure. We have to be conscious of mom bias in hiring, promoting, and firing. We can’t assume moms can’t handle the job as well as an employee without kids. But still… mom bias is real. It’s not all in your head. If you are being subjected to mom bias, make sure to talk to someone. Don’t minimize the experience. Talk to friends, family, woman’s advocates, or counselors, and most importantly, other mothers.

Mama, you are not alone.

For more information about your rights as a mother or to talk through a challenging situation at work, visit www.themomattorney.com

written by, Miriam Bloom Williams and Tara Elwell Henning | co-founders of Bloomwell

The startup environment requires constant and ruthless prioritization, and in most early stage startups, parental leave policies aren’t implemented until the need arises. This means that expectant moms and dads often find themselves in a unique position: the first person at your startup to have a baby. As if things aren’t hectic enough, you’re acutely aware that your decisions may impact the new parents that come after you. We’ve literally been there – so we’ve put together a step-by-step approach to help you get it done, regardless if your company even has an HR department yet!

1. KNOW YOUR RIGHTS & SHARE BENCHMARKS

Many executives are looking to do “the right thing” but aren’t certain what that might be. In addition to knowing your state and federal rights, providing benefits benchmarks is crucial to establishing a policy that is perceived as fair, generous, or even best in class.

Federal laws: The Family and Medical Leave Act, or FMLA, is a federal program that guarantees your job – unpaid – for 12 weeks after baby.

State laws & Short Term Disability Insurance: Eight states and D.C ( California, New Jersey, Rhode Island, New York, Washington, Massachusetts, Connecticut and Oregon and D.C.) have additional laws to support families, including short term disability insurance that allows you to receive a portion of your salary while you’re on leave. Many progressive companies complete the gap. For example, if CA law covers 45% of your salary, a company may want to offer coverage of the remaining 55%.

Benchmarks: Many companies go above and beyond what is legally required. Both Glassdoor and Fairygodboss offer visibility to the leave policies of major corporations. Consider not just the length of time, but what portion of your leave might be paid, or can be taken unpaid.

This stage is also a great time to remind the leadership team that parental leave policies are an amazing recruitment and retention tool.

2. PARENTAL LEAVE POLICY TEMPLATES

Whether or not you’re in HR or the legal department, this is an all hands on deck kind of situation. You can find examples on Workable and SHRM.

3. CONSIDER RETURN TO WORK RESOURCES

While we all love a onesie with the company logo, we love some even more powerful ways to show support for the growing families.

Make food preparation easier: A gift card to Blue Apron, Doordash or Uber Eats.

Ease back to work with a 4-day work week for the first month.

Drop-in or emergency child care benefits can take some stress off two-income households when unplanned issues arise with childcare providers.

Institute flexible work policies including Work From Home, ensuring that all meetings take place between core work hours of 9 to 4.

For jobs that require travel, consider a partnership with Milk Stork.

4. TAKE YOUR LEAVE. AND ENCOURAGE MALE COLLEAGUES TO DO THE SAME.

We love the stories of new fathers Alexis Ohanian (Reddit co-founder, married to Serena Williams) and Adam Rhuberg (Director of Analytics, UpWork), acknowledging that family leave is essential for both parents … and confirming that both parents share and enjoy childcare duties. Remind your male colleagues that taking their full parental leave sets a positive precedent for others in the company who might want or need the support.

Miriam Bloom Williams and Tara Elwell Henning are the co-founders of Bloomwell, a new maternity apparel brand for boss moms. They met over a decade ago working at Louis Vuitton, and both spent time at high growth retail technology startup, Narvar. Tara was the first employee to have a baby at Narvar, and helped shape the leave policy. They are moms to Alexandra (4), Taylor (2) and David (2).

written by, Tatiana Mone | Founder of Tatiana Mone Fitness

The hustle and bustle of everyday life can often leave us feeling drained. Between dropping off the kids, working and attempting to remain sane eating well often falls off the list. For me life is all about planning. If it is not written down, it is not going to happen. There I said it aloud.

Meal Planning or Menu Planning has been a game changer in my wellness journey. While my time and energy is limited, it is important for me to make sure I am feeding me and my family well.

Now everybody loves a laid back Sunday. Sunday for me is a day to regroup and prepare for my week. This coveted day of rest can also be an essential first step towards a highly productive and healthy week, with just a little planning.

Ok you still aren’t convinced you should give up your weekend to plan your menu for the week?

Read on to see my favorite perks of meal prep and tips to make your Sunday cooking session easy and convenient for your busy life!

1 – COOKING RELIEVES STRESS

If you’re like me, the kitchen can provide a wonderful outlet for serenity and creativity. It’s a place where you can let go of the negativity and stress in the world and solely focus on the task at hand. Cooking is also the perfect place to try something new – whether that is a recipe, a technique or a spice that you’ve never used before. I challenge you to shake it up in the kitchen and add your own personal flavor to your favorite meal prep recipes!

2 – MEAL PREP SAVES TIME AND MONEY

When your week is dedicated to kids, work, personal fitness and everything in between, figuring out what you want to do for lunch and dinner can be a hassle. This uncertainty is also a gateway to overspending and overeating if you choose a restaurant over a home-cooked meal. Do something good for both your wallet and your body by preparing healthy options before your alarm goes off Monday morning, and you’ll be pleasantly surprised at the time and money you save on food. Plus, you’ll be able to choose what goes in your kids’ lunches so you can rest assured that they are getting the nutrition that they need throughout the day.

3 – PRE-PLANNED MEALS HELP YOU ACHIEVE YOUR FITNESS GOALS

If not for the above benefits, plan your meals on Sunday so that you can slim down and stay healthy. When I’m rushing in between meetings and school activities, it is so much more tempting for me to stop and grab something on the go. Those little cheats add up and in turn, throw me off balance in the course of my journey towards holistic wellness. That’s not to say that a little cheat here and there isn’t welcome, but pre-planning balanced meals ahead of time will certainly empower you to stay on course and accomplish the health milestones that you work so hard to reach.

And hey, who’s to say that perfectly wholesome meals can’t be delicious too? ?

Now that we know why meal prep is important, let’s talk a little bit about how to successfully abide by this plan. These tips work for me and my crazy life, so I hope they add a little convenience to yours too.

• Chop your own herbs and veggies to avoid overpriced pre-cut produce
• Stick to your shopping list – don’t let junk food sneak in to your cart!
• Try and stick to the perimeter of the grocery store since processed foods live in the aisles
• Include play around with herbs in your recipes for added flavor and nutritional benefits
• Don’t forget about drinkable meals – smoothies are a great way to boost breakfast!
• Mix up recipes every week to avoid repetition and boredom
• Need ideas on where to start? Check out two of my favorite recipes below:

Overnight Oats

(Serves 1)

1 cup of your favorite non-dairy nut milk

2 tbsp chia seeds

¼ tsp vanilla bean powder (can sub out 1/2 tsp

pure vanilla extract)

½ tsp cinnamon

2 tbsp unsweetened coconut flakes

Sea salt to taste

2 chopped dates

¼ slivered almonds

½ sliced banana (frozen is great!)

Optional toppings: cacao nibs, berries, pumpkin seeds, fresh fruit

Put all the ingredients in a mason jar, refrigerate overnight, and enjoy in the morning!

You can add in more fruit or a drizzle of honey or maple syrup if you want more sweetness

Pro tip: Mason Jars

One-Pan Chicken Fajitas

(Makes 6 servings)

1 tbsp chili powder

Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper

3 large yellow and red bell peppers, sliced and

seeded

1 large yellow onion, sliced

2 tbsp avocado oil

1 1/2 pounds boneless, skinless chicken breast,

cut into tender-sized slices

1 lime, juiced

(your choice of toppings: salsa, avocado, goat

cheese, pepitas)

Line a baking sheet with foil, and preheat the broiler to high

Mix the chili powder, 1 tsp salt and 1 tsp pepper in a small bowl.

In a larger bowl, toss the peppers and onions with 1 tbsp of oil and place on the baking

sheet. Season with half of the chili powder mixture. Broil for about 10 minutes, until they are soft and starting to char.

Toss the chicken with the remaining spice mixture and 1 tbsp oil. Add to the baking

sheet with the charred veggies, and broil for 5-8 minutes, until the chicken is cooked

through and beginning to brown. Drizzle with the lime juice and add salt/pepper to taste.

Remove the oven and put on a serving platter, with your choice of toppings.

ABOUT TATIANA

Tatiana Mone, is the owner of Tatiana Mone Fitness. Above all else, she is a mother, and also a certified health coach and personal trainer. She holds an MBA and her experience working in corporate America and as a military spouse helps her relate to clients. Tatiana works with busy, everyday women, and specializes in prenatal and postpartum wellness. Her passion is helping women develop a plan that fits their goals and lifestyles. Tatiana doesn’t believe in fad diets or extremes. The goal is sustainability.

Instagram: @TatianaMoneFitness | Facebook: Tatiana Mone Fitness | Website: www.tatianamonefitness.trainerize.com | Email: tatiaana@tatianamonefitness.com

written by, Ali Glinsky | Moms on Maternity New Parent Educator

I have never had a hard time making friends, but it takes work to meet and connect with people. As a New Mom moving across the state, starting over seemed daunting. I barely had time for my husband, between our work schedules and his work travel I felt like there was no time for anything else.

I was pregnant with my second when we moved to Northern California. I am from a neighboring town, but most of my friends from growing up had dispersed. Since I was working part time when we moved and I was 5 months pregnant, I found myself savoring the last solo summer with my first child. Time flew by, as it does, and once I got out of the new baby fog I looked up and there I was, seemingly alone and I realized I had put my own needs for female human connection, for other mom friends to the side, just to get through the days.

I realized how much I needed that connection and community. While it was always built-in in Los Angeles, I had to work for it up North. After spending countless hours on my phone during breastfeeding sessions, I went down an Instagram rabbit hole where I found a few Mom related accounts. Some about working moms, some just general mom stuff and I hit follow on a few that caught my eye. Those little squares and captions that started to pop up in my feed made me feel seen, heard and not alone. I love the daily reminder that we are all going through it with young kids and no one has it all figured out. There are also some hysterical moments right when you need them.

I knew I had to take my need for community seriously. I once read something that said ‘just start’ and I have come to live by this recently. Once you start something, you have no idea what can be set into motion and develop. I have seen it many times over in my own personal growth and development. Just start, take one tiny step in the direction you want to go in and it can lead to another and so on.

I joined a small baby group at my local community center with my second baby. Although the group only met twice per month, it allowed me to dip my toes into a community I was longing for without over committing myself. I slowly have become more involved. I have joined an advisory board and have met some great moms to connect and share with. I have learned, you have to know yourself and know what you need for YOU. If you start small it is easier. Start small, and don’t be afraid to try something new or different and to be a little uncomfortable.

written by, Shannon Handy Grassi | News Reporter KFMB TV

When I found I was pregnant with our first born, I was happy……but scared. We had only tried for a couple months. In that regard, we were very fortunate. But, I had mentally prepared myself to try for a lot longer, given what so many of my friends had been through. So, when it happened as quickly as it did, I panicked. It wasn’t for the reasons you’d expect. Of course I wondered how we were going to raise another human. More than anything, I was scared to give up the life I had. I was being selfish.

I thought about all the things in life I enjoyed, without having to make concessions for someone else. Together, my husband and I love to travel, hang out with our friends, go out to dinner. Independently, I look forward to daily workouts, happy hour with my girlfriends….basically, the freedom to do what I want, when I want (when work doesn’t get in the way). I thought a baby would change all that.

Siena Grassi was born in April of 2017. We experienced what all first time parents do….sleepless nights, confusing scenarios. Ultimately, we hit our stride, even if it didn’t coincide with what other new parents would do. We took our newborn out of the house almost immediately. We introduced her to various sitters (we have no family nearby). We did date nights. We traveled (with the baby). We tried to keep a schedule, but if it didn’t work out, we dealt with her crankiness and moved on (especially when venturing to a different time zone). Basically, we refused to stop living.

To this day, my husband has weekly boys’ nights. He continues to play in his various sports leagues. He’s taken boys’ trips. I workout six days a week. If I want to meet my friends for dinner or happy hour (virgin drinks—I’m pregnant with our second), I coordinate with my husband, or a sitter, and make it happen. Does this sometimes mean spending less time with our daughter? Yes. But, I think it’s the best thing we can do for her….and ourselves. Remember, when you have a baby, that little miracle came into your lives….you didn’t come into theirs. Yes, changes need to be made. But, you don’t need to give up who you are, or the things you enjoy doing. You need to have balance. Even if that means taking a few minutes for yourself everyday…make it happen. If your partner, a relative, or a sitter aren’t options…reach out to a friend who’s willing to take over for an hour. That’s what’s going to keep you sane, and happy. A happy parent makes for a happier baby. In other words, it’s ok to be selfish.

written by, Aimee Cruz | Moms on Maternity Founder & CEO

Businesses, like babies, grow up. If you are reading this, it means our new website has launched. I started Moms on Maternity when my second son was two months old – he is now two and a half! I wanted to meet more career-oriented, like-minded women who also just had a baby and were planning to go back to work or build a business. With my first son (who is now almost 5!), I did not take the time to make many Working Mom friends during my maternity leave, and I knew this was my chance with my second son. I was blessed to not have to go back to work until each of my boys were five months old thanks to a combination of living in California and working for Deloitte and Touche.

This business started as a series of events. Each month, New and Expecting Moms would attend with their babies and we would have a guest speaker on a topic related to Baby, Self or Career. The real magic was in connecting with each other, however, and leaving with new Facebook or Playdate friends. There have been so many women who have connected because of Moms on Maternity events and we are very honored to have had a role in building community for New Moms who can, at times, feel isolated.

We all need connection. Humans are wired to feel part of something bigger than themselves. We want personal fulfillment, love and strong family relationships. We want to be great parents. We also need to work (well most of us do anyway) for economic reasons.

After having my first son in 2014, I had much fear about going back to work. I networked internally at Deloitte and found a new role where I could work from home 100%. After 6 months, I realized the role was not for me and returned to designing and delivering client workshops in major USA cities. I still was able to work from home but also went on the road for 1 – 4 nights at a time monthly or every other month. I ended up hiring a nanny for my boys as I did not realize how long the waitlists are for daycares near my house for babies.

I think a lot of women are scared to go back to work after having a baby. I wanted to build a community of Working Parents where we could see each other, talk and realize we are not alone in needing to work and wanting to be amazing parents.

The days are long but the years are short and Moms on Maternity has now after two years hit a new and major milestone. This is our first ever rebrand with our new logo and enhanced mission to fight for National Paid Family Leave. How is it that America is one of the only countries to not guarantee workers paid family leave; there are only five states that do.

Aimee Cruz

Founder and CEO Moms on Maternity